"Marching On"

 "The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things."

-Henry Ward Beecher

Ladies and gents,
My summer has officially begun! I have once again come full circle to my nights of inspiration that keep me going and may I say this summer is one that is very well deserved. For those of you who have stuck with me through the years, you will know this blog has serves as a no inhibitions place to avoid being judged. I am going to share what's been going on in my life.
My last few blog posts have gotten more confusing and more depressing, and I apologize for that. The truth is that I've been on a spiral of depression, anxiety, and loneliness for quite some time and it was out of my control. When JJ left for London this year, I thought I was strong enough to take it and I thought I had a solid moral support system to help me through him leaving but it didn't take very long to see how wrong I was.
Over the course of five months, I began to crack. I've lost weight from lack of eating, sat in class unable to concentrate, much less study because of how many things were running through my mind. And I never exactly had anyone to turn to. Multiple panic attacks isolated me from really talking to anyone. I distanced myself from Manny and Juan, started going out more often so the music could drown out my thoughts and I discovered how a group of people I thought were going to be by my side until the very end didn't really care whatsoever. The two closest people I thought I knew (not Manny and Juan, btw) and thought respected me were actually the first to throw the harpoon and screw me over. I didn't tell JJ alot of things because I didn't want to worry him but somehow we always ended up fighting. More often than not, it was me questioning his love (and why he left me to suffer alone if he claimed to love me) while he fought that he'd done every damn thing and it still wasn't good enough. I know I've pushed him away but it got to the point where high demands, total isolation and anxiety that I was a walking time bomb.
I literally cracked on April 25th, into the hours of the early morning. After getting sold out, and finding out that someone I trusted had talked about me behind my back and taken it upon themselves to pretend like they knew about my personal life, I snapped. I didn't sleep, spent my time crying in anger and betrayal. JJ had to put me to sleep sometime around 5 AM. I went to work the next morning and somewhere in between working, I had a nervous breakdown while I was working. I began to shut down and I just remember crying and not knowing why. Thankfully the doctor I work for was still in the office. It is on this day that I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and referred to counseling.
Since my diagnosis and that day, I've stayed away from alot of people. I still refuse to talk to the bullies who claimed to be my friends, who have taken it upon themselves to judge me and claim that they were always there to listen when they did nothing but watch me crumble. I'm trying to take it easy and thankfully my mom has been incredibly supportive. She's become my ally and our communication has gotten much better. I'm trying to live one day at a time and for me. I do have people who genuinely care, not people who pretend. I got the most incredible Little this semester who just joined the sorority and she was the breath of fresh air I was seeking in my life. She's managed to stick with her crazy, unstable and exhausted Big and I'm so glad she came into my life as the sister I needed.
Now, summer is upon me. As decided by my parents and I, I will not be taking summer classes. I will keep my campus job and a second job working for housing so I have free Room and Board this summer! Then, in July, JJ and I will be officially living together. No more coming to my apartment 30 minutes before work to change and run out the door! I'm really going to work on piecing things together and like the doctor said, finding my triggers to panic attacks. JJ will be coming home in two weeks. No one is counting down the days like me (well except him but you get my point. lol)
I've been avoiding social events lately because I've learned certain people in my life are triggers as well but I'm finding the people who matter and who don't.
I'm not saying that everything is just fine and dandy. I'm still having nightmares and panic attacks. People still won't back off and I'm still trying to control alot of things. But it's a start. I have this summer to put it all back together.