"Together We'll Ring in the New Year" 2011 Edition

"A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compelling situation or challenge, and each marked off by some intense experience."

-Wallis Simpson

Christmas came and left without so much as the bat of an eyelash and I find myself in a very similar position as I was last year: sitting in a dark bedroom, typing my thoughts away on my laptop. Now that my resolutions have been said and done, my plans have been made for ringing in the New Year, and I've said and hoped that this year will be different, the truth is that asking a new year to be different than the last isn't so difficult.
I think about where I was last year (enamored and confused about Mr. Gay-or-European) who turned out to be a nice distraction. I was miserable and frustrated with the world. In 2011, as big of a flop as it was (in terms of my Sophomore year) I met some great people, let some others go and hell I FINALLY got to see Switchfoot in concert! All I can say is that maybe if I get the chance to look back on next year with different eyes, I can see that this is the start of something (or the end) but as long as I see change.

The Life, Love, and Why Letter Project

Now while I've been horribly absent, this is my goal and my chance to bring back my moxie of Jen used to have. I'll admit, as great at 2011 was for me, I lost faith in myself. Here's a chance to discover my story. This is supposed to be the year it all ends. Now to see where it goes
This is my challenge to write a letter every week to these people, as well as update regularly. 

 Week 1,2,3,4 — Your Best Friend (Manny, Juan, Brian, Alex)

Week 5 — Your Crush

Week 6,7 — Your parents

Week 8,9 — Your sibling (or closest relative) (My brother Rami, and the sister I haven't met yet)

Week 10 — Your dreams

Week 11 — A stranger

Week 12 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Week 13 — Your favorite internet friend

Week 14,15,16 — Someone you wish you could meet (Jon Foreman, J.K Rowling, Marilyn Monroe)

Week 17 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Week 18 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Week 19, 20 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain (Mark, David)

Week 21 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Week 22 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Week 23 — The person you miss the most

Week 24 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Week 25 — Someone from your childhood

Week 26 — The person that you wish you could be

Week 27,28 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Week 29 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Week 30 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Week 31 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Week 32 — The last person you kissed

Week 33 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Week 34 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Week 35 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Week 36 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Week 37,38,39 — Someone that changed your life

Week 40 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Week 41 — Your reflection in the mirror

"Breathe (2 AM)"

 "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table..."

For the sake of explanation (and the fact that I think my blog is starting to develop cobwebs) I am making another attempt at writing: a sincere one.
As of recent, I've began to think about alot of things in my life. I've always accepted that there will be a series of moments that constantly fluctuate. I am the queen of winning a race against yourself at a million miles an hour (and the fact that I haven't been able to write on this blog in ages exemplifies it. This has been my busiest ever and I'm feeling it. However, what happens when life slows down and priorities change? I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself because I've never been one to stick around and really let myself slow down.
Eat. Sleep.Career. Life. Repeat. That's the way it's always been. I've always had to take care of myself, brace myself to be rejected by others and somehow do it all with a smile on my face and a seemingly never-ending amount of energy. I am somewhat stunned to report that now, things have actually changed. My boyfriend, the guy I almost didn't give a chance to is making me see things a little differently. He's leaving to London to study abroad next semester. Studying abroad has always been one of my biggest ambitions and something I've sadly accepted as out of my reach (I can't afford to go to school here, much less in another country)
Life isn't exactly people friendly and it has a tendency to catch you off guard, but it's the adrenaline- the passion, love and positivity that keeps up going even in the darkest and most grim of moments. As of recent, it's only dawned on me to wonder.Do life, love and sanity all keep the same company? Is it safe to even think that you can have all three?
I start with myself. As a single person, I was able to keep my life in check, minus a few petty snags. I was able to control my thoughts and even empower myself with the ability to decide where I was going. But I didn't have love. I didn't believe it. However, now I'm in a relationship and a damn good one. Now, my goals have changed. I find myself dreaming at night, actually dreaming which I haven't done since my years in high school when my biggest goal was to be able to wake up in a dorm room I call home. Now I dream of actually owning a home, calling something mine. I want to settle down and I would personally be okay with the idea of getting married and having kids. (Yes, you read that correctly.) The feminist bachelorette who GAGGED at the idea of being married, and shunned at kids now wants a house and to settle down! I KNOW!
My life isn't the same as it used to be and I've actually dropped having a hectic and busy life for just being a student, just being a sister, and just being a girlfriend/ Still somehow, I haven't been able to keep my life in check, and hah, my sanity's taking a vacation.
Just as I'm starting to finally appreciate a well-deserved relationship, my mom brings in unnecessary drama into my life, making me feel guilty. Yet my boyfriend is still here, and I'm just the one that can't handle it.
I'm trying desperately to make sense of how my career is at a downward spiral (I've retired from singing thanks to Mark , The Asian Who Must Not Be Named   a former good friend of mine who got a lucky break and I've tanked at everything since) and in all the insanity, my boyfriend is still here, in spite of everything. And much to my blessings, my constant through this entire story has stuck around too. I just don't give him the credit he deserves sometimes.
Back in February I met someone I was not expecting to get close to. I was drunk, and miserable (and again, single) yet he saw me at a party, not knowing who I was and made sure I got home safe. Something about that night lead to us going from strangers to acquaintances. I've listened to him, and helped him with his life and he was there for me when everyone else abandoned me. He helped me when I tried to kill myself this year (and nobody else knew except for JJ and him) This guy (unlike those before who've promised friendship and ended up hurting me) has actually called me his best friend before I even said it. Hell, he's the reason I have my boyfriend (mostly because I was too much of a moron to admit that JJ liked me for ages but whatever) Yeah, Manny. I'm talking about you. :P
I bring him up because as of recent, every conversation we have makes me think about how love, life, and sanity don't keep the same company. He gave up everything for a girl, and his life didn't work the way he wanted to but just when he took the plunge to try and chase after new dreams (with a new girlfriend) it fell flat. I hate seeing him kick himself at night, questioning his every decision. At the same time, I see alot of him in myself. To the outside, he doesn't approach people and the fact that he's so misunderstood gives him a bad name yet he's honestly the best person (aside from JJ) I've met in college. I want him to be happy and while he's confined himself to simply accepting the current, does that mean I'm doing the same. When JJ leaves for London, what's going to become of me? Am I going to survive, or am I going to spend my nights crying and balled up under my bed waiting for him?
I guess I've learned now that you can't let your life revolve around one person and you can't spend your days assuming the worst is coming. You have to embrace the beauty of it. Overall, you just have to take a moment and breathe.

Rise Above It

"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other."

Rainer Maria Rilke

As of recent, things have become so much more lively, exciting and interesting. Life is just beyond words. And I guess I've seen it coming for a long time now, but I'll just finally admit it.
As of October 18, 2011, I am in a relationship and for good this time. His name is JJ. He is my best friend. He is also my boyfriend and I honestly couldn't be more thrilled.

 

Want to know how he popped the question? Well... you know that die-hard love I've had for Switchfoot, which basically spans from the name of this blog to my tattoo and then some? Well I finally saw them in concert, accomplishing a life-long dream of mine. He drove a good six hours to take me to see them in concert. We left for the day, just the two of us. He held my hands, talked to me on the road. We laughed about stupid things, sang along to the radio... it was one of those escapes you just dream about when you're having a really bad day.

I made a poster, and my own shirt, and we (thanks to my stalking of the Switchfoot message boards) was able to help at the merchandise booth. I got in early and a free t-shirt! It was seriously exciting. I met fans from everywhere. There was this guy who had seen Switchfoot 8 times in the last 10 days and a girl who was on her 27th Switchfoot concert! (THAT is an accomplishment!) I was so excited by EVERYTHING and people were so supportive in this being my first Switchfoot concert!

My ticket and Merch pass!

Seriously, it was the most surreal experience of my life to even be at the arena. I was in the very front!! I sang along to EVERY SONG and though I was hoping they would play "Souvenirs" from their new album, they did play "Restless." and THAT is where it gets interesting.

JJ held my hand and kept me close and somewhere in between the song, he reached in close from behind and whispered in my ear, asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend.
I literally turned around, stunned and gave him possibly the biggest hug I've ever given anyone. This is a video of the performance. I can't see myself in here because I was in the front but I remember the moment :)

He held me close for the rest of the night and it was just so comforting. The concert was simply epic!

Jon Foreman singing "Restless" :)

Yes, I was this close to Mr. Foreman!

My awesome poster! (If you're a SF fan like me, you'll get it! :D)

My homemade shirt (with a lyric from an OLD Switchfoot song. 

JJ and I :)

That was pretty much everything I needed. Seeing my favorite band live, being with someone special, it couldn't have gotten better! We ran for the merch booth right after the show and helped up with selling shirts.

 and just as we were packing up and finishing everything, I saw something incredible. Right off stage, Drew Shirley (the guitar player for Switchfoot) was helping pack up. I squealed like a little girl and got horribly starstruck remained composed and asked the merch guy if I could go get my poster signed. Instead Drew came to the booth. I almost died in excitement, no lie.

The second Drew got there and said hi, I went into a rant that sounded like this.

Drew: Hi, nice to meet you! Glad you came to see the show!

Me: OMGGGGGG I'm a HUUUUUUUGE FAN! It's SO COOL TO MEET YOU!!!! I like have a Switchfoot inspired tattoo and my pet fish is named Romey [after Gerome Fontamillas, the keyboard player] and I have EVERY SINGLE CD and recording you can imagine and GAAHHHHHHH!

Drew: Wait... your fish is named Romey? *chuckles* I'm gonna have to tell him that one.

After my geekness subsided (and everyone had a good laugh) I asked Drew is he could sign my poster and take a picture with me.The picture above is proof! You can see the clear grin on my face and funny enough, as I was taking this picture, my new boyfriend (bless his soul) was a bit peeved about it (even after he found out all the guys were married and twice my age.haha)

Then we drove back home,pretty much in a daze. We got home at 5 AM and while I paid the price by having to get up for work 2 hours later, it was well worth it. This concert has inspired alot of things and it's one of the best experiences of my life.

As for my new relationship... it's hard to explain. He gets me without really trying. I feel safe and he just brings a smile to my face I can't describe. So all I can say is things are looking up! :)
I promise I will write more later! I've been trying to finish this entry for days and my boyfriend wants to see it. lol

Feeling Good :)

"If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud."

-Emile Zola

October has begun, my favorite month of all but aside from that, all I can say right now is my month is looking up.
I have some good mood swagger.
Let me start with a couple of things. October has alot going on for me! I'm going to travel to see Switchfoot, my favorite band after six years of not being able to go see them in concert and that's in 2 weeks! :D

Also, something really unexpected happened to me that turned out to really work out. When I came to college, one of the first people I met was my friend JJ. He introduced me to Sigma Delta Lambda (my sorority) and became one of my closest friends. He's always been there for me and I know I can count on him for anything. Lately though, I've noticed that our friendship's gotten different. We got really close over the summer when I was working at Applebee's and he would pick me up (since we got out around the same time) and as of recent, I've noticed how he's become one of my best friends. Well this last week, he got strangely awkward all of a sudden and I started to wonder if I had done something wrong or if he was mad at me (since I kind of lied about my weekend two days ago when I said I was in Austin instead of a sister's birthday bash like I was actually at)
I stayed pretty much confused but sure enough, to my luck, I discovered it wasn't my fault!
It turns out that JJ was working up the nerve to have "the talk". He showed up at my apartment late one night asking if we could take a walk and maybe talk about a few things.
A normal person would think nothing of it and go outside.
I am not a normal person. I panicked and thought he was going to get mad at me (for what, who knows but whatever). And I quickly threw my hair up and went outside. 
I was kind of taken back when I found out I wasn't in trouble; he asked me out on a date! And I said yes :)
We went out and surprisingly there wasn't a single awkward moment at all. It was a great date and I'm definitely excited about the second one!
I woke up the next day with a smile on my face and some leftover excitement and today I'm walking like I own the places. It's like I have this rejuvenated energy. Everything's looking up and I'm absolutely thrilled. I'd never really looked at him as more than a friend because both of us have sworn up and down that we are JUST FRIENDS and there's never been a reason to doubt it but now, it's just different. It took a turn and it doesn't feel forced or awkward at all. As a matter of fact, it feels like just a growth of our friendship. Who know where this is going- it's definitely far from an actual relationship. I'm perfectly okay with just dating and going out here and there to see where it goes. But I like how life is going so far. :)
Might just be my best October yet! 

"Souvenirs"

"Life was just happening..." - Souvenirs, Switchfoot

As of now, my blog's been taking a depressing turn. That's not me and I suppose part of it is based on neglect on my behalf so allow me to fill you in.

I'm starting from scratch.

My name is still Jen, no more no less. Still a college student in Texas, but much has changed about me since then.
Over the summer, I became a different person, still me in many facets but far from it in others.
I had a boyfriend, whom I left because I was unhappy being in a relationship. I became more devoted to my sorority, the one I spent an entire year trying to get into. I've come to terms with myself and the fact that different is beautiful. I've realized that people in my life come and go, but the ones that come will definitely brighten your day and make things better, especially when the ones who go bring nothing but darkness.

What am I searching for now? Me. And if I happen to find someone who gets me along the way, 
Day by day, I live life and while I'm still trying to get the cadence of a routine, every day is more different than the next

"Restless"

There comes a point in your life where in spite of being given every reason not to trust or even come out of your shell. Too many things just come up at once and you just want to scream and let everything out so it no longer consumes you.
Consider the following to be my statement, told at the top of my lungs for all to hear.

Mark, for everything you preached, you hurt me. I forgive you, though. 


Mark stopped speaking to me. He kind of betrayed me and while he's a good guy and while I wish him the best, he's no longer my friend and I am no longer his. We haven't spoken since the beginning of the summer. I am terribly hurt and I've avoided talking about him or even mentioning him. The truth is that I'm done pretending like it didn't happen. It did, and now- it's done.

I'm done hiding behind my past.
I'm done letting people run my life.
I'm done allowing myself to feel miserable.
I'm not going to listen to the insecurities of my past anymore

I Will Learn To Love Again

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." - Marilyn Monroe

"I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless."

More music stuck in my head today, but this time my body is finally getting a message across: I am EXHAUSTED. This morning, I literally woke up and started teary eyed because my body wanted to stay and get the sleep it needs and it couldn't. I'm no stranger to stress and I've been through physical endurance before but right now, I want to cry. I need a day to sleep and relax and actually remember that I'm not made of steel.

Lots going on at the moment, both good and bad.
But right now, I have a headache, and the person giving it to me doesn't even know he does. I also know that I shouldn't even be frustrated about this. You'd think that after two years, I would learn that you can't go looking for love or putting myself down about never attracting someone because I'm the sarcastic, cynical, sharp tongued, ugly friend out of the group who refuses to sit in the background and look pretty. I don't understand guys and their mind games. I don't know how to flirt and be subtle to save my life. I do have an incredibly thick wall that I never let down. And somewhere in that, I'm still vulnerable and hoping that someone will be the brave soul to try to get close to me but knowing no one will.
And of course, slowly but surely everyone is starting to pair off, my sisters and friends included. I've noticed that pretty much, I'm the only single person left in my circle of friends. My co-workers are all dating someone or married (my closest friends at work are actually dating each other, lol) and my sisters, including the ones I'm closest to are mostly in relationships and Mark, who I haven't consciously thought about in a while is apparently going on dates, as someone decided to enlighten me about today. I'm here sitting on campus while my sister is eating lunch with her new boyfriend a couple of hundred feet away from me and while I'm trying to mind my own business and let them do their own deal, I see so many people around me and so many faces but not one of them is the one I'm looking for. Not a single person here is the face I'm looking for, nor am I the face anyone's looking for.
I know I should stay positive and maybe a part of me wants to be, but then there's the part of me that's trying not to get my hopes up and remind myself that this is the real world and more likely than not, I'm going to get hurt and I'm going to be waiting for the right person to come into my life.
Didn't Rapunzel ever get lonely at the top of the tower waiting for someone to come along and go through the trouble of climbing the tower?

"Drowning in tears that wont be me
I will soon be free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it wont be long till I regain the strength to know
I can go on
I will find my way through the heart break I will not give up on love
I believe

I will learn to love again I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to
Learn to love again"

"Melody"

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." 

-Aldous Huxley

Maybe it's been too long but considering I haven't written in ages (not just this blog, but my book as well) I'd like to attempt to catch up. I find that it's getting trickier though, as I literally wake up, go to school, eat while studying and rush to work to only get out late, sleep four hours and do it all over again. One thing that has remained consistent is music, and while I've always said that it keeps me sane, I think the fact that I'm thinking in song is causing some insanity.
These are my thoughts at this very moment.:
"I like the universe, but she messes with my words.
I'm not talking planets or galaxies
and the distance just makes it worse..."

"...So, how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California king"

"Antes que pase más tiempo contigo amor
Tengo que decir que eres el amor de mi vida
Antes que te ame más, escucha por favor

Déjame decir que todo te di
Y no hay cómo explicar pero menos dudar
Simplemente así lo sentí, cuando te vi." 

 "When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder"

"All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come  alive in my identity"

 

I've got song lyrics left and right in my head. I go to sleep with melodies in my head that remind me of people. I have memories flooding my head, good and bad. Great and deafening. In a time where literally I only come back home late at  night (or early morning, depending on your point of view) to sleep and I don't have the luxury of being able to say things. 

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say..."

I'm dying to sing at the the top of my lungs. I'm looking for an escape where I can run, get to say everything that's building up in my mind like unopened letters in my mailbox.

"I'm feelin' like I keep on talking,
I'm repeating,
Myself, my words, lost all meaning,
I keep talking,
I repeat myself...
I just wanna run, hide it away,
Run because they're chasing me down,
I just wanna run, throw it away..."

At this rate, my thoughts are just songs on a playlist on my iPod or cherished songs from the jukebox at work, lyrics that say everything I want to and yet no matter how loud I turn up the volume and no matter how into these songs I get when I sing them under my breath... they're still my secrets. And my memories. And right now, that's all I can ask for. 


"No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got 'da da da' inside my head
And I play songs back to back until i got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There's no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It's the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

& I find that I'm never alone
& I find that my heart is my home
& the music within makes me whole
A world that I built on my own

& I know that I'm never alone
& I know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody"

 

 

"But I Do Love You"

"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."

-Charles Caleb Colton

Today was Independence Day, my first away from my family since I moved out and while I was lucky someone wanted my shift, I missed my family. I missed my friends. I missed alot of things. Even more so, I couldn't stop thinking about alot of things. While I was originally going to spend it with David's family, my sisters instead invited me to a cookout, where I sat relatively silent, enjoying dessert my sister Leanna and I made while thinking about life. I got a call from a really good friend today so it was a nice thing to be thinking about (and to know that he thought to call me too.) Still, I couldn't help but think about lots of things in my life.

I don't like...
spending time away from my family
walking into a room and knowing that people are thinking so many things about you
having to think about school and work on a day off from both
missing people I shouldn't
missing people that don't deserve it 
being the ugly friend
being overshadowed and ignored
the nagging feelings of being single 
missing fireworks displays

I like...
the calls/texts that start my day
spending the day with my sisters
baking and taking my stress out on Devil's food and homemade frosting
 hanging out with people from work and making new connections
 

Revisiting the Past

"When you hit rock bottom, you can either take the shovel thrown at you and keep digging or you can throw that shovel back and make your way to the top." -Me

I wrote this way back in 2008. I'm still trying to make sense of it all but I guess that's just me.

December 20, 2008

This has been on my mind recently, but now I actually feel like sitting down and discussing this.

 From the moment I was born, I was given a heart to listen to, a mind to think with, and my own skin to live in. All my life I have made the best of it and decided to make my own path. It appears that some of my choices in life haven't been socially acceptable for the most part in my life because up until very recently I was a social outcast.I grew up an ugly looking child, a loud, wordy, and highly ignored child that translated into a different young adult. I listen to music no one hears regularly, I speak differently than alot of girls, read books that no one picks up and as most of the world knows, stand up for my beliefs to the fullest and wind up with my heart splintered, shattered and permanently changed. 

What I'm getting at is that for the past 16 years of my life, I've seen girls that glided through adolescence, never experiencing a true bad hair day, or rejection by a guy or the possibility of stress. All they've ever seen is late nights, parties, the undying devotions of boys all around, loving parents, designer clothes, absolute perfection and teenage years that would make Barbie jealous. However, (for the most part) while they appear to be perfect, they have nothing going for their futures and nothing in their minds. They have blank minds with more concern over new trends and how they want to get wasted and have a good time tonight rather than the state of our country or the many people in need on this Earth. Then I wonder... what would have happened if these people had grown up the way I had?

What exactly would have come of them if they were ugly as children and didn't feel comfortable with themselves until their late teens? What if they got a pimple the day before school photos? What if they got a bad haircut that left them scarred for years? How would they react if they themselves were the rejected instead of the rejectors? Would they be able to handle it? The mere idea of these possibilities might frighten these girls but as for me, it's nothing new. That was my life. That continues to be my life.

I had one hell of a childhood, one that is nothing like a funny sitcom on tv or a "reality show" designed to make adolescence glamorous. While I absolutely HATED everything that happened to me growing up as a kid, I'm surely thankful for it now. Being the ugly girl in elementary made me realize that beauty is only skin deep. Because I lacked beauty, I developed a personality, focused on having a mind, and also made me appreciate the moments when I do look and feel like a princess. Being rejected by and dating so many boys and losers made me realize what to look for in a guy and how to hold on to something good and enjoy it while it lasts. Being studious by default made me a very knowledgeable person, one with thoughts and ideas to share with the world and make the world a better place. By being teased and mocked for 13 years made me develop a thick skin and also taught me that the world is not always going to be pleased with you, so by living for the world, you waste your time. I live for myself now, and I'm comfortable being myself, knowing that being different is so much better than being the same as everyone else.

So for now, let these girls live their perfectly blessed lives with MAC lipgloss smiles, Coach purses, and Daddy's wallet. I'll be perfectly fine away from the worn down path.

Broken Heart

"There can't be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

-Henry Kissinger

I'm used to losing everything good in my life. My grandmother, when I was 8. Those pretty silver butterfly barrettes I got for my 17th birthday. My iPod, my cell phone at work, my pride, love, joy, anger... all things easily tossed around like the earrings that constantly go missing from my jewelry box every so often. Well, in this case, I've lost several things at once. I lost a good friend, one I was there for and cared for like family, I lost my sense of morality considering I no longer care about who's right, who's wrong, and where I fit into all of it.
Because I've lost one person in my life, I've gained so much confusion and thoughts that have spiraled into insecurity and questioning whether everything was really a lie.
I know for a fact that I'm not me anymore, well at least not the me that came fresh out of high school.
I take forever to get to sleep and sleep through mornings. I'm tossed around like a toy, because I'm not good enough to talk to, to be nice to, much less be someone's good friend. I'm silent and moody. I go out to get lost in music. I come home to get lost in silence.
I want to figure out exactly where everything went wrong and why it did. I no there's no such thing as perfect timing but by writing out this soliloquy, I hope to at least grasp the reins and make something better out of all this.

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Te Busque

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. - Amberose Bierce

Okay, enough moping and picking myself up of the floor (again)
How anyone has this much patience with me is beyond me but time to get writing. Summer is finally here, and having survived my first year in college, I can say I've learned many things this year, some from my classes and others from living on my own.
Like the fact that I can live on my own. This summer I'm staying with my Big sister Helen (and mind you my mom is pooing bricks about it because I actually got the nerve to say I'm not going home) and so far it's been an interesting experience to live in an apartment with someone who's not family but it's been pretty good. We don't have cable or internet so finding stuff to do is getting interesting, considering that it's just me, her and sometimes her boyfriend. But I've found things to do on my own with my sisters as well as myself. This summer is going to be defining somehow.
Like now: Mark and I aren't speaking anymore.
I got a job, as a hostess.
I'm taking summer school.
Oh, I also went out with friends for a night and came back with a phone number.

Let the summer begin.

"Keep Your Head Up"

"A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compelling situation or challenge, and each marked off by some intense experience."
-Wallis Simpson

 
You know, you'd think that maybe as time passes by insecurities would fade and just maybe luck would change but it doesn't always work that way now does it?
In my case, it's more reminiscent, almost like a reminder that nothing can ever be perfect just because it's me.
Anyhow, I'm stuck in a rut.
I think Mark and I are spending too much time together because we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Well correction: I'm getting on his nerves by the looks of it. One thing he's told me recently kind of hit home really hard. "Well it's not like I'm your boyfriend, Jen. I'm Just your best friend"
He's absolutely right in that sense. He's not. But, at the same time, I have been leaning on him alot more than I should. He's my best friend but I rely on him way too much like a boyfriend.
I can sense it. I'm annoying, and clingy and irritating. No one wants anything to do with me and I'm lonely as hell because of it. You know, I would much have rather taken a class on "Social Etiquette in the 21st century" rather than Fundamental Music Theory.
I;m not gonna lie, my feelings are all bent out of shape not just by what Mark said but just the fact that it's been accumulating for a long time, not just from him but of years of not being around people and this feeling of being unwanted.
This is why I've been single for so long. No one wants anything to do with me.
I should just go hide under my rock now. Everyone wins. right?

Why Can't I?

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

-Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Hello, hello ladies and gentlemen.
I'm baaaack!

It's been so long and it feels weird having abandoned my blog for such a long period of time. Let me just say, sit down folks. This is going to be a loooong entry.
First thing's first. Mark and Sergio are no more. I would rather not get into details as to what happened and how I managed to get stuck in the middle of it but I will say that things played out the way they did and I'm glad that Mark is safe and that we're close again.
I was kind of afraid of blogging again because he was once a fan of my  writing but after a fiasco, one which involved him publicly bashing me AND my blog, I decided to lay low for a while plus, more happened to me in the last two months.
Allow me to explain finally with pride that after a year and two attempts at the rushing process, I am finally a sister of Sigma Delta Lambda sorority

 It was one heck of a semester but I finally made it and I'm so glad to have wonderful sisters who are there for me through everything and Greek life is something I am happy to partake in, especially now that I can. lol
In other news, Glee showcase was AMAZING! We got tons of compliments and I'm glad it's over and done with. Gives me more to work towards next fall. :)

Which brings me somewhat to the present now, with three blog drafts and a cold turkey stance on my Facebook gaming addictions.
Where am I now?
Well I'm in Finals week, I also won the "Freshman Excellence Award" which recognized me as an outstanding fishie. I'm moving out of my dorm and it's hard to imagine that I'm ending the year already. I don't intend on going back home and my mom threw a fit but I need to grow up.
Oh the things I've done this year...
I got a tattoo
went to TWO concerts (for free)
I joined a sorority.
built an organization from the ground up
took care of myself without having to beg for major help
I attended three major auditions
met some of the best friends I could ever ask for

And now, I'm moving out on my own, with my Big sister. I also have a crush on somebody and THAT is an issue on it's own considering I haven't told Mark but within time, I'm sure it'll spill out.
 Well, Leanna (my line sister sitting next to me as I FINALLY write this) is concerned that Mark is going to ask questions but to be honest... I'm like 99.999999999% sure he knows who it is and why I won't tell him (and he's using reverse psychology to give me a guilt trip so I can spit it out and just admit it already)
Either way, that is another issue.
UPDATE: I told Mark and spat it out. I was right. He already knew but I was wrong in the sense of relief I was going to get. I'm more antsy. My stomach is in knots. Sheesh!

Hopefully, I'll get over it but for now I have to pack up for moving out.
There WILL be more to come! :)

"I am a Good Girl"

Okay, so
I'm nice
talented
driven
intelligent
determined
not promiscuous
nor a cheater.
I'm not shy
I'm the kind of girl you'd bring home to your mother
I'm loyal

Dare I say it, but I'm pretty and confident in myself
I'm happy with who I am, just the way I am and I'm not afraid of being silly or seen with flaws

I'm a good girl, the kind I hear all my guy friends looking for. I keep it real and sure I talk more than I should sometimes but for the most part, I'm pretty okay. Why is it then I have the worst luck with guys?

Why can't I meet someone who's kind and intelligent and fiercely passionate about his ambitions? Why can I meet a good guy I'm not ashamed to introduce my friends and parents too? Is it too much to ask for a human being who is sane and normal and romantic and wonderful to have around? Is it too much to pray that I want to meet someone who genuinely cares about my personality and doesn't want to get into my pants? Seriously, is it so bad that I secretly wish I met a guy who pays for the bill on dates, opens doors and remembers the little things.
I'm experiencing a serious frustration with the male population!! Mark says I shouldn't focus on dating and I shouldn't get distracted from my goals and ambitions but two years has been too long for me being alone. I hate cooking for 1 and hearing details about my friends' love lives. I hate hearing that I'm selfish because I want to be in a loving relationship and being called picky because I refuse to settle for guys that are obviously wrong for me. I'm tired of being told that I've got low standards because suddenly nice guys are low standards.
What's sooo totally wrong with me that I've been undatable for two years, to the point where no one's tried. I just have this guy on my case on trying to get some when I clearly know he doesn't care about my feelings or if I'm interested in a relationship or not based on his personal satisfaction.
I'm fed up.

"Lost"

 

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."

-Confucius 

I LOVE how fate has a twisted sense of humor.
The world is in an uproar, and I am in my own right.
Why am I in an uproar? David and I are speaking again, particularly, he's gotten himself into an issue that is even more screwed up than my life. Do I even want to get into this?
Not really.
I haven't seen Mark in ages, and part of me thinks Sergio is keeping it like that. It worries me but what am I supposed to do about it? NADA.

So now, why is the world in an uproar exactly?

I got a tattoo. Yes, you read that right. After 3 years of research, contemplating and thinking, I finally got my tattoo and I am in love with it and sooo happy that I waited on it. But for some reason, me getting a tattoo makes everyone think I got it on impulse when in fact it was the total opposite. Either way, it's quite the chaos as of recent. Clearly, the comments I've gotten most are "What did your mother say?!" and "What were you thinking?!" and in all honesty neither concern me (because my Mother was there when I got it and I thought it through the entire way)
I suppose right now I'm writing from a very cranky and worn out state which only leaves me to hope that 5 weeks from now (After I can say that I survived my Freshman year) that I'll be a better writer.
Even so, I can't help but feel like I'm blaming my lack of writing on my stress, which really I can say I bring on myself but from my perspective in life, do things ever get easier as you get older?
Does this feeling of being lost and distant from society ever go away? I'm starting to wonder when exactly I started going on autopilot and stopped doing things because I honestly remembered and enjoyed them. Anyhow, it's all just a bunch of rambling at this point, isn't it?
For me it is. The soliloquies of my life known as my blogging can only be a certain type of productive and I should really consider keeping a cohesive story line other than vague mentions.

"The Twist"

"All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much. "

-George Harrison

Another year has come and gone and funny enough, 19 has been one of the most event packed birthdays I've ever had particularly because I had to schedule everything, right down to the location and time.
I spent the weekend with my girls, the friends I've made this semester that have brightened my life and got to go see a hockey game.
But really, all I did was think.

My mom surprised me with a visit for the day since I decided not to go back home for Spring Break (and I got roses and a new fish since Foreman died during midterms) I was greeted with 2 birthday cakes, a TON of Glee stuff... and a visit from a surprising friend.
I've been sitting here for Spring Break and all I can do is THINK and that clearly never does a girl any good, now does it?
The adult voice I have is telling me to shut up and not think but the little girl in me that keeps asking questions.

"Landslide"

 

 

"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact."

 -William James

Just when it seems like sometimes my weeks are showing promise and I might be getting things together, something has to happen. No one can get everything they ask for all the time and if you do, something has to happen. My proof? This weekend. I had a TERRIBLE Glee Club rehearsal where everyone got terribly frustrated. It took us a good hour and a half to get a simple harmony of three words down and my officers and I were frustrated beyond belief. They went and drank and did what they had to do. I stayed home... and cried.
Basically I've questioned everything that has lead up to this point. Then when I finally did get to sleep, I got woken up by a drunk Sergio.
Apparently I did something that got him totally irked and now he hates my guts and I SERIOUSLY did nothing for this one (and when I get sleep I will explain this further) but seriously, this week everything kind of added up on me.
I bombed my Music Theory midterm (which if it goes as well as I think it did -and it didn't go well at all) then I can give up my dreams of being a voice major.
I'm going up against the grain trying to get my Glee Club going.
I was literally so tired today that I not only went to the wrong class on the wrong day but accidentally picked up someone's order at Starbucks and then forgot the words to the song I was supposed to sing at work today.

Maybe there's more coming my way but I can't help but think that I almost totally forgot about my birthday this Saturday. Another year has come and gone. Two years of being single. One year of being in college. I remember blogging about it last year and contemplating what my year of 18 would be like. Never did I think I would forget my own birthday, or much less have to schedule it. I'm realizing now, that I'm getting older and more worn. I'm wondering if when I look back 365 days from now, if life will make any sense.

We'll see how that goes but until then, cheers to my last day of being 18 years old: the end of one very long year.

"Semi-Charmed Life"

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”- Carrie Bradshaw

Last night, I had a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw type of personal revelation. Considering that it's one I didn't seek willingly, it should have some significance into my life.
Have you ever wondered why there's a big number of Mr. Wrongs, hellbent on making you miserable? What if you never find Mr. Right? What if he vacated the premises with that hoochie you refused to be?
Love and it's insane ups and downs can seriously make a person wonder what makes us so compelled to love and be loved in the first place. My Friday night brought me to this revelation. When I get time off, I try and go to a hockey game and my aunt got sick this weekend so suddenly I went from going to a hockey game to having no plans at all. I for some reason ended up watching Sex and the City, that episode where Samantha discovers Smith Jerrod, Carrie is dating Berger and Charlotte becomes engaged to her divorce lawyer. I noticed how amazingly awesome Berger really was and how although I'm a Mr. Big fan, I would have totally dated a guy like Berger. And then after a somewhat quiet dinner and sleep, I was awoken by my first ex, a guy I ended up being on and off again with for most of my high school career. We started talking and for some reason he inquired as to why I was single. He's always referred to me as the girl that got away and the one he was never able to catch up to. It made me think about how much I really wanted in someone and how I really wasn't getting it.
I'm here trying something casual with no expectations: just meeting with someone when I want to talk and same with him. I know he wants nothing serious. His friends don't know about me and I'm pretty sure this is going nowhere. My friends don't know either and I'm more than sure they'll throw a fit too because I'll end up hearing, as I usually do, that I deserve better and deserve someone who's going to commit to me. And I know I do but don't we all deserve things we never get and get things we don't deserve.
We deserve to get that A but get a B while that person who crammed at the last minute got an A+. We get the single nights of making dinner for one when the vapid girls with no hope get the great guy and treat their men like crap. I suppose maybe I'm settling when I could find something better but just where is this better I've heard so much about and just exactly what is it?
I find myself questioning love and it's motives now, especially since our creative director picked Love as the theme for our Glee Club's semester showcase (which by the way is the single most exciting and worrisome thing on my mind for this semester. If I can't pull this off, I'm doomed but if I can, I'll be a legend.
I just have to put my best effort forward and hope that this, unlike my love life and my numerous things WRONG with life at the moment works out for the better.
Life isn't life without love and why that's so, I don't know. But it's worth a shot trying to find out.