If anyone is still with me, Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, it goes without saying that I've been withholding information. And by that, I mean, suppressing my blogging to the point where I've practically stopped blogging. This has to stop. For my sake, and for yours, I'm just gonna spit it out.
Life, as far as I'm concerned, has an uncanny way of throwing the most difficult circumstances at you. In my case at this very moment, the most difficult circumstance on my plate is an unknown force. I think I may possibly be going through chronic depression, or as one doctor pinpointed, possibly Bipolar Disorder Type 2.
I have become a recluse. So much, in fact, that I haven't spoken to relatively anyone in my life.
So here goes nothing.
I haven't spoken to anyone because I'm furious. I'm depressed and furious. Last time I recall feeling this down about anything, was my Dumpee Diaries period, circa Spring 2009-Spring 2010. But back then I was just mopey. Now, I feel mopey and apathetic. I have massive issues getting out of bed in the morning to the point where if it were up to me, I'd stay under the covers- raccoon eyes and all. I drag through my day, not particularly excited about anything. And hell- I can cry through massive amounts of tissue, for no apparent reason at all. What makes this different is that in spite of feeling mopey and apathetic, when I do get feelings, they're feelings of anger.
I see people who make it very obvious that they're ignoring me and I don't exist. I see Facebook statuses, feel awkward silences, blatant stares and people who are going out of their way to make me feel as if I am non existent. It seems like no matter where I go, I can't escape it either. School, work, home... nowhere is safe.
Not too long ago, someone broke into our apartment. They didn't steal anything but they sure as hell rammed in our door, messing up our deadbolt and scaring our dog. Three days later, they keyed JJ's truck extensively and attempted to slash one of his tires. So not only does someone not like me, but they're going through extensive lengths to make this point perfectly clear to me.
Every time I see someone walk past making a face in disgust or completely ignoring me, I resist the urge to yell out "HELLO, I EXIST!" at the top of my lungs or let out a sarcastic "Nice to know my presence bothers you" as they walk past but no. I hold it in. I say all of this mentally and let them go on with their ignorance. In high school, when I was at my softest point, I would have taken this personally and gotten morally offended and/or sad that people weren't talking to me. Now it just irks me because the entire thing feels so immature. And more so, because I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does.
You know, in spite of all my issues eating me up alive for the most part, I'm starting to feel this burning underlying. The burning of wanting to get up an live. I find myself to be highly unsatisfied with letting life pass me by at this point. My main question is, what's next after this?
I've basically burned myself to the ground and I'm at square one just with more knowledge. I guess this year is all about starting from scratch again.
Starting with this blog that badly needs attention again.
Posts
