Revisiting the Past

"When you hit rock bottom, you can either take the shovel thrown at you and keep digging or you can throw that shovel back and make your way to the top." -Me

I wrote this way back in 2008. I'm still trying to make sense of it all but I guess that's just me.

December 20, 2008

This has been on my mind recently, but now I actually feel like sitting down and discussing this.

 From the moment I was born, I was given a heart to listen to, a mind to think with, and my own skin to live in. All my life I have made the best of it and decided to make my own path. It appears that some of my choices in life haven't been socially acceptable for the most part in my life because up until very recently I was a social outcast.I grew up an ugly looking child, a loud, wordy, and highly ignored child that translated into a different young adult. I listen to music no one hears regularly, I speak differently than alot of girls, read books that no one picks up and as most of the world knows, stand up for my beliefs to the fullest and wind up with my heart splintered, shattered and permanently changed. 

What I'm getting at is that for the past 16 years of my life, I've seen girls that glided through adolescence, never experiencing a true bad hair day, or rejection by a guy or the possibility of stress. All they've ever seen is late nights, parties, the undying devotions of boys all around, loving parents, designer clothes, absolute perfection and teenage years that would make Barbie jealous. However, (for the most part) while they appear to be perfect, they have nothing going for their futures and nothing in their minds. They have blank minds with more concern over new trends and how they want to get wasted and have a good time tonight rather than the state of our country or the many people in need on this Earth. Then I wonder... what would have happened if these people had grown up the way I had?

What exactly would have come of them if they were ugly as children and didn't feel comfortable with themselves until their late teens? What if they got a pimple the day before school photos? What if they got a bad haircut that left them scarred for years? How would they react if they themselves were the rejected instead of the rejectors? Would they be able to handle it? The mere idea of these possibilities might frighten these girls but as for me, it's nothing new. That was my life. That continues to be my life.

I had one hell of a childhood, one that is nothing like a funny sitcom on tv or a "reality show" designed to make adolescence glamorous. While I absolutely HATED everything that happened to me growing up as a kid, I'm surely thankful for it now. Being the ugly girl in elementary made me realize that beauty is only skin deep. Because I lacked beauty, I developed a personality, focused on having a mind, and also made me appreciate the moments when I do look and feel like a princess. Being rejected by and dating so many boys and losers made me realize what to look for in a guy and how to hold on to something good and enjoy it while it lasts. Being studious by default made me a very knowledgeable person, one with thoughts and ideas to share with the world and make the world a better place. By being teased and mocked for 13 years made me develop a thick skin and also taught me that the world is not always going to be pleased with you, so by living for the world, you waste your time. I live for myself now, and I'm comfortable being myself, knowing that being different is so much better than being the same as everyone else.

So for now, let these girls live their perfectly blessed lives with MAC lipgloss smiles, Coach purses, and Daddy's wallet. I'll be perfectly fine away from the worn down path.

Broken Heart

"There can't be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."

-Henry Kissinger

I'm used to losing everything good in my life. My grandmother, when I was 8. Those pretty silver butterfly barrettes I got for my 17th birthday. My iPod, my cell phone at work, my pride, love, joy, anger... all things easily tossed around like the earrings that constantly go missing from my jewelry box every so often. Well, in this case, I've lost several things at once. I lost a good friend, one I was there for and cared for like family, I lost my sense of morality considering I no longer care about who's right, who's wrong, and where I fit into all of it.
Because I've lost one person in my life, I've gained so much confusion and thoughts that have spiraled into insecurity and questioning whether everything was really a lie.
I know for a fact that I'm not me anymore, well at least not the me that came fresh out of high school.
I take forever to get to sleep and sleep through mornings. I'm tossed around like a toy, because I'm not good enough to talk to, to be nice to, much less be someone's good friend. I'm silent and moody. I go out to get lost in music. I come home to get lost in silence.
I want to figure out exactly where everything went wrong and why it did. I no there's no such thing as perfect timing but by writing out this soliloquy, I hope to at least grasp the reins and make something better out of all this.

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Te Busque

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. - Amberose Bierce

Okay, enough moping and picking myself up of the floor (again)
How anyone has this much patience with me is beyond me but time to get writing. Summer is finally here, and having survived my first year in college, I can say I've learned many things this year, some from my classes and others from living on my own.
Like the fact that I can live on my own. This summer I'm staying with my Big sister Helen (and mind you my mom is pooing bricks about it because I actually got the nerve to say I'm not going home) and so far it's been an interesting experience to live in an apartment with someone who's not family but it's been pretty good. We don't have cable or internet so finding stuff to do is getting interesting, considering that it's just me, her and sometimes her boyfriend. But I've found things to do on my own with my sisters as well as myself. This summer is going to be defining somehow.
Like now: Mark and I aren't speaking anymore.
I got a job, as a hostess.
I'm taking summer school.
Oh, I also went out with friends for a night and came back with a phone number.

Let the summer begin.