"Listen"

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."  

-E.B White

For some, defining moments come at the right place and at the right time with the right grandeur attached to it. For others, it comes unknowingly and only after much later does it become apparent how much of your life can change because of something so seemingly harmless. I am one of those people. When things get thrown my way, I don't realize how much of an impact it might make until much later. I'm only human and flawed at best so it's only natural for I as well as everyone to be oblivious to what may as well be some of the more character defining moments of our lives.
When I started writing a year and a half ago, I never imagined it would lead to a book and everything that followed.
When I got stuck at a school I had no intention of attending, I had no idea I would discover how much I loved music.
Also, the decisions of others, can make a big impact in someones life as well. Like now. After 3 weeks of pure and absolute silence from not only me but the other party involved, you-know-who and I have managed to become what I once foresaw but never thought thought would come from him. I guess I'll admit I was so damn proud that I thought it would come from me rather than from him but being that Fate brought me to here of all places for college and the fact that I ended up in his stomping grounds, it only makes logical sense that he would do this before me. But for once I can tell that this just might be something that comes back later, either as a defining moment or to haunt me. I'm not sure what yet but I've decided to embrace the fact that I'm free of alot of things now. I'm going to search for my own voice again, the one that's been muddled by school, my life as it was and how my life may be for the rest of my days.I've forgotten how to speak and really speak. Everything is just noise at this point in time. It's time to add words and quality to it.

On a Day Like Today

Life has become an insane roller coaster and so it seems like just maybe things are stressing me out sometimes but I've managed to find a few things that have relaxed me but also a few things I've found to be very interesting along the way.
I went on a date last week... I think... lol
In case you're wondering why I said I think, it's because of how I had just walked into it. It was late, I had just finished singing (and he's gone to see me every week at Resident Idol) and he just out of the blue, invited me to dinner. No beating around the bush, just like that. "Hey, let's go to dinner."
And this is the guy I thought I couldn't like... I honestly thought he was gay. Turns out he's not. And well, I actually had a good time. We talked for hours, I didn't have to pay any part of the bill OR tip, and he actually brought me home like a gentleman (and I'm aware how sad it must sound to have not paying the bill be the bonus of a date but thus far, most of my dates have required that and it was a MAJOR bonus to not have to pull out money for once) So he took me out to dinner, dropped me off, kissed the top of my head before I got off the car and sent me on my way. That's been the best time I've had on a date ever, and it's been the simplest date thus far. I was still kinda glazed over by everything for the week afterward, thus why there's a big gap of lacking explanation. My friend Kevin keeps conspiring that we'll end up dating seriously but hey, it was one date!
And so now I've reached a point in my life where I'm in middle ground. I can teeter totter on insanity or stability but it's all good I suppose. One example of this is well... David himself. haha
We haven't officially spoken in almost 2 weeks now simply because he just doesn't answer my calls or reply to my texts which I suppose is liberating so imagine my surprise when he texted me tonight about his mom bringing the tv they wanted to lend me because of the concern that I've been running to the dorm lobby weekly to station myself and reserve the tv for hours for Glee episodes on Tuesdays. (Yes, I'm that much of an addict that I will stalk the tv for hours to watch a new episode) Being that i'm close to the family, they lend me a spare tv to watch. That doesn't mean David doesn't have some kind of passive agressive nature to him which kind of makes me laugh as I think about it now. He just handed it to me and said "Here." One word in 2 weeks. Sure, I hauled it up a flight of stairs to the second floor and more than likely would have refused out of my own pride to let him carry it no matter who or what was protested but yup, his curt behavior immediately registered in my mind and thought ," Yup this is David, the guy who used to be one of my best friends alright. Now he's handing me a tv with one word responses."
So now it seems like when it comes down to the tightrope they call life I could fall either way but for now I'll just keep on walking. Maybe I'll get 2 word responses someday. :P

Oh and before I go, a shoutout to Kevin Courtois! He and I have been talking since I've been attempting to wrap up this entry (because I'll be honest, I started writing this 2 weeks ago) and I managed to finish it finally. Thanks, Kevin! (:

"White Flag"

"I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent. "

— Marilyn Monroe

I'm scared to admit what I'm about to write for many reasons. 1) Because it would reveal so much vulnerability on my part 2) I'm not sure how things would work if anyone realized what I was talking about and 3) It scares me more than it will scare anyone else.
Here goes.
With every day that passes by, I find myself getting more and more lost within myself. I find a sense of panic. I don't know myself anymore, and my health is starting to take a toll like it never has before. I'm used to stress. As a matter of fact, it was a welcome factor that reminded me I was alive. Now, I have no idea what's going on. My skin is reacting in weird ways, pointedly by looking like I'm sunburned when I'm not. Everything is sensitive to it and it's weird in patches. I cry at random moments for no reason and cry because I feel helpless and because I have no one to go to that I can trust. I toss and turn in the middle of the night. I'm restless, I have no idea what's wrong with me and it scares me. School is going great but personally I'm a mess. My mom's harping from home, I've got financial woes, I can't stop eating, and I don't get why.
And then, there's something I'm scared to admit.
I've met someone here on campus. I can't say who, I can't say where. I can't say anything. But I'm starting to think that there could be more than friendship... and I can't let that happen. He's great but I can't. There are reasons why I can't and I'm aware of them. Everyone says my reasons are silly but I just know it wouldn't be right to let myself like him or even let him know how I'm starting to lean. He's a great person with a really understanding heart. He's there sometimes and gets me so well. But it has to stay platonic. I can't let it go further. For the first time in a long time... I have feelings for someone who's not David and while that's a good sign, I just can't be with him. I. Just. Can't.
Maybe its perfect timing too because David's not answering my calls and at the moment, no one's more relieved of that than me. Michael's right... I put David on too high of a pedestal sometimes. Still, maybe it's because I had no one else to put on it and now that I do, I can't let myself. *sigh*...