"Raise Your Glass"

"Welcome be ye that are here,

Welcome all, and make good cheer,

Welcome all, another year."

- New Year's Toast, Author Unknown (but more than likely drunk), 1949

The last day of the year... Has it really been 365 days already?
I find it so hard to believe considering the first 6 months dragged like nobody's business and the last 6 months went by too quickly for me to enjoy. lol
But I suppose it's official. My stepdad's family is here and there is, as expected, an overabundance of food. We had a cookout for lunch, are expecting menudo for dinner and will be having turkey (God help my poor stomach) tomorrow.
The booze is flowing and fireworks are causing a fire hazard in my backyard (and I being the weirdo college student who doesn't drink or believe in arson, am staying inside behind a laptop curled up with my chihuahua. Sergio and Mark are coming tomorrow and that's been the highlight of my entire Winter Break so hopefully I can start the year off right!
2011... Can't believe it's here. Each New Year's has been different from the last. When I welcomed in 2008, I was a Sophomore in High School, I was in the preliminary stages of blogging as I wrote in my now defunct "Pandora's Shoebox" blog. I welcomed in the New Year watching reruns in Christmas pajamas while my parents were at a neighbor's party.
 In 2009, I was with David's family, where the running joke was his brother "drinking his sorrows away" while we watched a movie and I became integrated into the family on the first holiday I spent with a family other than my own. I dressed nicely, resisted the champagne and saw a hell of a lot of fireworks.
Last year, it was a quiet New Year's, seeing as my stepsiblings were with their mom and my stepdad was working so my mom, brother and I watched Telemundo ring in the New Year on TV and we went outside to watch other people light up the night sky. 2009 was a particularly difficult year for me so I was more than glad to put it all behind me that New Year's Eve.
Which brings me to now. I can honestly say 2010 was eventful. It had it's uplifting moments but mostly, 2010 represents freedom to me. Freedom from heartache, society's limits, personal boundaries, normalcy, the freedom to see who I am.
To my fellow citizens of the world, I salute you. Cheers to the potential to a wonderful year. :)

What Are you Doing New Year's Eve?

"Lead, follow, or get out of the way."- Laurence J. Peter

The clan has arrived.

No, I am not referring to any racism extremist groups (because that would be kink of ironic thank you very much.) My stepdad's extensive family is here. While my immediate family is already extensive (a brother, a stepsister, a stepbrother, my mom, my stepdad and me) the extended family is bigger. Waaaay bigger. On my mom's side I have my aunt who has 2 kids and a disowned uncle. I have great-aunts, second, third and possibly fourth cousins. I have people that I know are family but don't know how exactly they're related and will probably never know because it's rude to ask. On my dad's side, I'm still putting the branches of my family tree together. Since he's a bit on the estranges side, I don't know much about my dad's family. To the best of my knowledge I have 2 aunts, 2 uncles, with 8 first cousins, 5 second cousins and two second cousins on the way. Then I think I have 2 half sisters but I'll never be sure and I'm sure I have more uncles and aunts on that side. I'm just not all too sure.
And don't get me started on my stepdad's side of the family. His mother is one of ten so I gave up trying to keep up with his family. But I know that for sure he is one of three. His sister has two kids and his brother has three and he has... us. lol At any cost, part of the clan came today. His sister, her husband, the kids and my stepdad's parents came for New Year's which means 12 people under the same roof.
You know, in the middle of nowhere, I just knew I was never going to get a sense of privacy and when I belong to a family where just going to dinner means calling the Fire Marshall, it only makes the solitude and isolation of my dorm that much more inviting.
Well, on the positive, it's family and the end of 2010 is fast approaching. Also, my favorite couple Mark and Sergio (you know, the couple that doesn't make me want to throw stuff at them?) are coming for New Year's Day. My mom wants to take Sergio to the casino (oh yeah, I live in the town that has the only casino in Texas. Blame those Native American loophole laws) Then before you know it, I'll be headed to Dallas to see Brian with my two high school friends Victor and Sonia.
A whole year of prospects and this is just what I need right now. So much in fact, I'm already thinking of what to do for my birthday in March and as of last night, I have a date on Valentine's Day. Crazy, huh?

You have no idea.
Happy New Year's everyone! :)

Superman

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

With only 3 days left in 2010, I've begun to realize how much has changed within 365 days. I think about where I was at this point on December 28, 2009 and it just doesn't compare to now. Not even close.

I certainly thought that by 2010, I wouldn't have set foot in this town ever again. Back in the day when I wasn't a permanent decoration/resident in my dorm room that I now fondly revere as my home, I was a kid stranded in the bane of every nerd's existence: high school. Even before then I was the subject of some serious bullying. It just got relatively worse in high school. Simply put, I was Rachel Berry minus the animal sweaters and slushies but you get the idea.
 I've never been one to shy away from being who I am. From the get-go, I knew what I wanted, where I was going and acted like an adult and I got a hell of alot of shit for it.
People advised me to change everything about myself. They advised me that a new haircut/ new wardrobe/ using smaller words/ not singing all the time/ not answering questions in class/ speaking quieter/ not liking Harry Potter would save me a world of trouble and by just blending in, things would be easier. I could no sooner do any of these things than they could grow six inches taller at will. And I suffered for it. My passions and my personality made me a whole lot of enemies and rumors sprouted as a result: I was stuck up because I used "big words" and "talked down to everyone" with my vocabulary. I was insane because I enjoyed singing and looked for every chance to perform in front of a crowd. I tried on purpose to be different in order to attract attention.
Naturally, my peers tried to "punish" me. The Class of 2009 (the year before I graduated) staged a walk-out during my performance in the Junior talent show. It was commonplace to get my things stolen, to get my things moved, to have my house egged... anything just to get under my skin. At some point or another, I wondered why I put up with everything in the first place and didn't graduate early. Simple: my parents' patience was wearing thin. They didn't get it, considering down to this day, I still get harassed at home for not being perfect/smarter/more outspoken. This was my battle for 14 years.
 In 2009, during the Fall of my senior year in high school,  I went through one of the most life changing and defining points of my life: I was a guest on Tyra Bank's now defunct talk show. The subject? Kids in the arts who are made outcasts. What was meant to be a quiet trip to New York turned into something much bigger than I ever realized. I told nobody that I was leaving until right before I boarded a plane because nobody needed to know. My mom and I boarded the plane and from there it seemed like the entire world found out. I met amazing people and discovered that there is indeed a bigger and better world out there than the small town I was living in and that there was no reason for me to go through the hell I was going through. I got treated like a celebrity and met the cast of Glee, and it was AMAZING! The cast was humble and seeing Lea Michele in person was nothing but inspiring. It was a nice reminder to keep moving forward.

But that being said, when I got back, it got worse. Much worse. People suddenly started complaining that I lied to get on the show and that I was never picked on. They started a trending topic on Twitter and message boards about me online. For once my parents saw it but they still didn't get why I wanted to leave to an out of state school or why I don't want to come back here ever again. For me, it's alot more psychosomatic. I can't sleep. I get panic attacks when I remember certain events. I question everything and don't talk to people much.
And today I saw that one of my attackers mentioned me on Twitter and I got an anxiety attack from it. I am definitely in a much better place when I am away from here and while my family and friends live here, I can't stand to be here anymore. It just feels like a step back more than a step forward.

Bullying should never be tolerated and it's not right for someone to feel threatened or unwanted where they should feel safe, especially at school and in their hometowns. Suicides are at an all time high and I understand all too well how teasing can affect you. No one helped me and no one listened. It wasn't until my appearance that people really had an idea of what was going on.
Alot of states don't have proper bullying/cyberbullying laws and it's not right.

2011 should be a year where I as well as every other person shouldn't feel afraid of being somewhere. We're all human and the feelings of others should never be undervalued.

"Ain't Nothing Gonna Break My Stride"

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

-Robin Williams

I went out last night.
I straightened my hair, broke in my awesome makeup brushes (thanks again, Mom) and changed outfits several times, jammed out to Naya Rivera's rendition of "Valerie" and actually got picked up and driven to a restaurant with silverware and enjoyed the night with a handsome suitor and had a wonderful time. Who was my wonderful date, you may ask? None other than my awesome friend Brian, my date to the Prom, the most influential man in my life thus far, the owner of my domain name for my blog, and a true gem to have in my life. And ladies and gents, he's the first gay guy I officially met. (And I really had you going,didn't I?) ;) (Note: Although I've known Angel, my childhood best friend for much longer and he's gay, I had no idea he was gay until he came out my Sophomore Year in High School) Brian and I have a long friendship that spans from my early adventure in junior high when I was just a kid with a contraband CD player in her backpack and a notebook full of lyrics to now as a girl with a notebook laptop and an iPod.

This is us at his senior prom :)

Bri graduated a year before I did and he went to school in Dallas which means I don't get to see him very often anymore. When he offered to go catch dinner and a movie while he was in town, I was more than thrilled to see him. We went to eat at a new seafood restaurant in town that opened when Applebee's used to be (and where I think 3 or 4 restaurants have replaced it and all closed down) We were delighted with comic relief when what is supposed to be a nice dining establishment turned into something that only my hometown could get away with. We were first greeted with menus in Spanish that had 1/3 of the listings with English translations underneath as if English speaking was in the minority... In Texas... a part of the United States... a country first settled by Englishmen but MOVING ON!

Then the things that were translated were translated in a horrible manner. They misspelled "chicken" and "coffee"...  We were then given a bowl of tortilla chips (at a seafood restaurant of all places) and at my request for lemonade (they spelled that right btw), I was greeted by a thick glass goblet that looked like a fishbowl with a straw sticking out of it awkwardly. I could have put Foreman (my Betta) inside of my drink and aside from the ice, you'd think that was an actual bowl.

All English fails aside, we nibbled on the tortilla chips and started talking about life and how so many of our friends have changed and yet how for the most part we've retained our original selves. We talked about school and how our diets have changed due to meal plans (and yes, tamales came up in that conversation. lol) We discussed my upcoming trip to Dallas where I will put alot of things on the line  and auditioning for Glee in the national casting call (and staying with Brian). And we discussed his potential budding relationship (which I desperately hope I don't jinx by mentioning in this blog) and how that's going.

Then we mulled over our dinner (and laughed at the horrible mistranslation of Brian's order. He read stuffed shrimp. He got big shrimp wrapped in bacon.)

I got two more refills of my fishbowl and soon we wrapped up dinner. He paid.

Brian has always had a tendency of acting like a gentlemen and respecting women and treating us girls better than straight men. In high school, he always got me something for Valentine's Day since we were both always single on Valentine's Day and even bought me something when I was with my ex during my Junior year and dinner was proof that he was still the same gentleman. He seemed to remember the same thing when he jokingly said, " I really hope I don't end up with a girl this Valentine's Day like I always do. I think no girl should be alone on that day but I need a man."

Well said, Brian. :)

On the ride back, we said our goodbyes and he even walked me to the door. I had a blast at the movie and got my fair share of laughs. And true to this small town's standards, I was home promptly at 9:45 because nothing is open past 10 other than Wal*Mart and maybe McDonald's if you're lucky. I also only paid $5.50 each for movie tickets, the least I've spent on tickets in the last year, even with a student discount. But with every high comes a low and I got mine 5 minutes later when I was taking off my makeup in the restroom and

...

Let's just say I made it to the sink in time. Clearly food isn't agreeing with me this year for the holidays. Romance either but that's another story. I'm going to keep a good face though. My promise ring is supposed to arrive from Tokyo any day now and pretty soon I'll be back home in my dorm... where the food hopefully will go down alot better. :)

"Food! Glorious Food!"

"So this is Christmas..." - John Lennon

Now the wrapping paper has been tossed and the tamales have been eaten (and any Mexican knows to take food with 3 different types of lard and margarine in it very seriously).
Christmas has come and gone. Might I say it was a great holiday. I woke up dazed and confused and in spite of not waking up until the early afternoon on a normal day, I was the first person to wake up at 8-ish. Except I woke up nauseous. The cause? Tamales.


Mexican food is VERY heavy and tamales are no exception. If made properly, eating 4 tamales feels like nothing but by New Year's (and after an average 80 tamales), everyones' pants don't fit and this is either due to excessive heartburn/bloating or the unfortunate survival heartburn that means solid weight gain. This doesn't include the rest of the excusable eating and epic portion servings (and mysterious amount of leftovers that come even after the holidays are treated as a trip to an all you can eat buffet)
When it comes to gluttony, Mexicans take the cake! The Italians, Greek and French may be renowned for their food-centered culture but when you learn from an early age about manteca, lard, margarine, Crisco, and butter and how many foods all these lovely fats go into, we take the cake in unhealthy massive eating!
VIVA LA RAZA!
Anyways, back to my point. In spite of this heavy eating, being in college has somewhat lightened up my grease intake. Most of the fat in my diet came from my love affair with Pizza Hut and the pizzeria on campus and the campus cafeteria (due to its lack of delectable options) has resulted in me eating mainly sandwiches and salad when I did eat on campus. So when I came back to my parents' house and was greeted by three heavy meals a day, I was so stuffed, I've cut down to 2 meals a day. And on Christmas eve, my mom perfected her tamales recipe which means... TAMALES! (and at LEAST 100 of them in 4 flavors)
I had 4, and went to bed.
On Christmas morning.... BLEH!
I woke up and ran STRAIGHT for the sink. False alarm.
Still the first one to be up, I lied on the couch, feeling my stomach turn on itself. Two anti-acids later, I subdued the beast and woke up my brother. He was dazed and confused as well but nauseous he was not.  My brother made his way to the presents. He has the iron gut and isn't as susceptible to heavy food as I am. My stomach turned on itself AGAIN. Lovely way to spend Christmas morning. I eased myself onto the floor and waited for my brother to wake up everyone. At the ripe age of 18, slowly creeping on the big 19, I'm too old to get my parents out of bed. My brother is 8. He doesn't understand the value of sleep yet so it's his turn to get the fun of waking up my parents.
I slowly saw two adults with bags under their eyes get out of bed.... two adults who left the Christmas lights on all night (and left me to listen to the music synchronized Christmas trees outside my window play a medley of Christmas carols with bright LED flashing all night) watch the wonder in my brother's eyes. Then I saw them reach for tamales. Aside for feeling my gut jump again, I grabbed a tums but not before I grabbed a present.
What did I get? A new iPod! (and 160 GB so I can't bitch about not having enough memory) I also got a framed Marilyn Monroe print for my dorm room, some professional makeup brushes, new makeup in a mass quantity, the Glee, Volume 4 CD, an iPod stereo, a necklace and earring set, a spa bath kit, a subscription to Allure magazine, an IOU for perfume (my mom didn't find one she liked), and to satisfy my mom's OCD nature in my dorm room, a vacuum cleaner. In pink.
With A Christmas Story playing on loop with the sound muted, I watched my brother get excited about his Christmas presents and mentally shuddered at how much my parents spent (considering how as a broke college student, I spent a pittance on Christmas)
and like that, the holiday was done. My dad went to assemble the XBOX 360, I took another Tums and took a nap and my mom enjoyed her new eyeshadow pallete I got her for Christmas.
Later we watched "A Charlie Brown Christmas" on Hulu and after that it was just a normal day.
Except everyone ate tamales. I made myself a sandwich and called it even. Since next week in New Year's day, menudo is next. D:


Cheers to MORE heartburn!
Merry Christmas everyone! ♥

"Happy Christmas (War Is Over)"

"And so I'm offering this simple phrase,

To kids from one to ninety-two,

Although its been said many times, many ways,

A very Merry Christmas to you."

-Nat King Cole

Christmas has crept up upon us all and somewhere in between my family's up and downs and all arounds, it's Christmas eve. Only one more day until the day when wrapping paper all over what used to be a perfectly clean house is excusable, when the songs we love to listen to once a year are placed back in storage for the other 11 months of the year, and when watching "A Christmas Story" for 24 hours on a loop on TBS isn't so strange. For my family, that last part is tradition, even if it drives my mom absolutely nuts to watch that movie. I didn't ask for anything this year seeing as I've somewhat outgrown begging for something on my Christmas list (although I DO have a wishlist webpage that I update annually to keep up with the seasons. lol)
Even now that Christmas has actually arrived (and I have a legitimate reason for being in town), it's dawned on me at how 2010 was quite a year. I marked several milestones in 2010 from start to finish.
I graduated high school, celebrated a year of being single, turned 18, registered to vote, moved out of the house and this town for good, closed and started a blog, started a book, purchased a promise ring, won a singing competition, went clubbing and made peace in many ways with my past, present and possible future... and kind of screwed over my gaydar by meeting a grand total of 6 gay men in one semester. I can clearly call it a year.
So from my crazy year to your wonderful Christmas, I wish all my readers, loved ones and friends a Merry Christmas and outstanding 2011. I'll be writing a few more entries I hope before 2011 but trhat's not a promise. To close off this entry, I leave you with the song that's been at the TOP of my playlist lately. Don't ask me why though. I'll leave that story for later. ;) ♥

Woman In the Mirror

"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.” -Christian Morganstern

As a girl (and a self admittedly complicated one at best), I've always found myself to do and act almost entirely on emotion. I make lots of decisions, concur revelations, and make random observations... all more than likely influenced by my emotions developed and gathered by a life of experiences. This makes my highs moving, my lows defeating and my regrets more real.Everything becomes as vivid as a motion picture sometimes and the emotional scars of my heartbreaks and triumphs, victories and upsets and everything people simply refer to as the past adds up but just like the ocean, it ebbs away to a peaceful and dormant rhythmic existence.
This year, the holidays are a constant reminder of what I used to be and how in four months I have been on a marvelous adventure. The small dreary town where I live still doesn't excite me. It still doesn't enthrall me to beat down the door and come every weekend. On the contrary, it makes me thankful that I have a chair to curl up in when I go back home to my dorm, and best of all, a home I can take care of. Domestic stability is something many people take for granted but after never feeling home anywhere, it's such a relief to finally call something mine. Even if my neighbors play video games and make tons of noise and even if I spend more time by myself than anyone else, I absolutely love it.
This revelation, while one that brings me comfort has also turned into a catalyst for many other things. By finally having a comfortable home, I've begun to feel comfortable with myself. It takes alot to think about who I am and where I'm going but the fact that I finally have a home just might make it more worthwhile.
I lastly leave you with this. A video that has helped me see things differently. :)

"Oxford Comma"

"A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it, A song's not a song 'til you sing it, Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, Love isn't love 'til you give it away!"

-Oscar Hammerstein III

For the first time in a week, I went out into society into my hometown. My mom dragged me into town to go Christmas shopping and it wasn't too bad. I went a record of 7 minutes before I saw someone I knew. Not bad considering I usually get spotted either in the parking lot or withing 3 minutes of stepping in the store (and yes the town is that small)
but of course it wasn't anything disastrous and I survived. Then right after I left Wal-Mart, I got invited to my old high school's band Christmas Concert and I surprised myself by actually going not only into civilization but by going into the hearth of what made me miserable and again I was surprised that nothing bad happened but instead I was bombarded by tons of people who claimed to miss me. Funny stuff, huh?
All people aside and all small adventures in my hometown, there's something I've kind of involved myself into and a decision I have made. And it all starts... with a ring.

It’s safe to say that there can be many things to seal deals. Words can determine a break-up or make-up. Gifts can result is delight or disaster and in the most common way, a ring can be the biggest factor in everything.


I’m writing about two rings today: both promise rings but each one important in their own respective sense.

The first is one who’s original owner is a Mr. Sergio : (AKA Mark’s boyfriend) He has a what looks to be either a titanium or platinum band with a single diamond in the ring. This ring was originally purchased with the intent of signifying promise to wait for the right person to date and not settle for less. The ring now rests on Mark’s finger. While I am absolutely thrilled for both of them, this ring not only now represents the promise and potential to what looks to be a loving and beautiful relationship but it also symbolizes the bond of two people- not three.

Mark is happy and I figure it’s time I stop being a tagalong so I’ve decided to stop calling and being around all the time. So my third wheel days are done and while I love Mark dearly for the second family he is to me, he could use some space so I will miss our weekly glee sessions and our spending every free moment together. He’s a taken man and he can’t devote his every moment to me. I’ll always be open to hang out… I’ll just provide the space he so lovingly needs.

Which brings me to the second ring in question.

The second ring is a white gold band, topped with a cubic zirconium stone held on by the white gold in a heart shaped encasing. It’s a size 6 and the owner is one Miss Jenner (AKA Me). I’ve decided to make the act of being single a more permanent establishment by splurging (white gold is a bit pricey but I can live with cubic zirconium) on a promise ring for myself as a Christmas present. It’s not a chastity promise ring (since I’ve made that decision on my own minus the jewelry) but a relationship promise ring. If I’m going to be single for a while, I may as well have a reminder of how much I’m worth and how I should live each day to its potential. I’m guessing I’m going to be single for at least 3 more years and when the time comes and I do get into a relationship, it should at least be worthwhile.

The ring should be arriving soon. (I blame my fixation on Etsy, the arts and crafts online market where I purchased most of my Christmas presents for this gift to myself)

Either way, there’s love all around and promise for all. And that just might be the one thing to hope for.

"Dog Days Are Over"

"Your aspirations are your possibilites." - Samuel Johnson

I really need to get into the habit of waiting to see how things turn out before I start writing blog entries, seriously because things just keep getting more and more interesting. As you know, the Fall semester is over and while most people would be running for the door to go back home, I'm not one of them. I'm kind of reserved over the idea of being back in the [False] Promise Land that is my old hometown and personally I'd rather stay in my dorm but I owe my mom a visit. So I packed up my bags on Saturday, but not before a share of amazing things. For one, I spent the morning with Mark and his awesome roommate for breakfast and then to the mall we went. One thing I should probably mention (in case some haven't figured it out) is that I'm Hispanic. I also speak Spanish along with a good 98% of the Hispanic population. Mark is Filipino. While he is talented and gifted in many ways, he can't speak Spanish to save his life. This usually sets him up for spectacular language barrier flops. Well after breakfast, Mark invited us to go to the mall so he could buy a Christmas present for his potential boyfriend, Sergio. On the way there, Mark, his roommate Erik (not to be confused with Erick, the pain in my ass ex), and I were discussing how to say Mall in Spanish. Erik gave the correct translation (which evades me at the moment) while I said, "Personally, being that I'm lazy and apt to using Spanglish more frequently than accurate translations, will just say Mol y ya." [Note: Mol y Ya is not a correct translation. It's just a Spanish sounding pronunciation of the word Mall combined with the real word in Spanish y ya which means "and that's it". In the context I was using it, the "translation" would be "mall and be done with it"]
Mark then had a confused look on his face and then proceeded to say "Moliya? How come I've never heard that before?"
By then, all three of us were confused as to where he got the word Moliya but then it dawned on me what he was trying to do and I immediately started to burst into a fit of laughter.
By then, Mark was really confused.
Mark: "Why are you laughing?"
Me: "BECAUSE! The phrase I was trying to say was three words. You combined it into one. Plus you made it even more of an off translation than mine."
Erik and I: LMAO
Mark: -____-'

And so our joke of the day (with at least 3 Facebook mentions and a Tweet from Mark and I each) was about our day at the Moliya. At the Mall (or Moliya, depending on if you got the joke or not) Mark spent the good part of 2 hours gift shopping and price checking. It wasn't until he got to Macy's (the best price for what he wanted) and came to a revelation. A few friends and I with Mark included have been planning to go to Dallas, Texas in January for the Glee open casting calls (Yes, the hit show Glee. The very show I'm obsessed with) and we've been saving money for the big day for hotel and gas expenses. However, in spite of Mark's job, resale of textbooks and everything,  none of us can deny that being a college student isn't one of the most broke professions anyone can take on. And so he was left between going to Dallas or buying Sergio a Christmas present: he immediately looked at me. Without a doubt I said, "It's going to be awfully quiet in Dallas without you. And so he purchased it and was estatic. I was then greeted with the biggest hug I could ever get. Honestly, I don't mind at all. I'm all for happiness and if he's happy then so am I. And the look on his face said it all. so I am thrilled.
After we got back to the dorms, I was 1) Texted by a friend who wanted to hang out at the mall. and 2) surprised by Mark when he stopped by my dorm.
Since we all knew I was eventually going to get dragged against my will to go back home, our mall adventures would be the last time we would get to hang out. And so while I was getting cleaned up to go to the mall yet again, Mark stopped by with a Christmas present... for me, behind his back.
For behind him, he pulled a book called the "A Photographic History of Marilyn Monroe."
For years, I've been in serious admiration of Marilyn Monroe but I've never been able to purchase any memorabilia and here was a book for me. I wanted to cry and I did, ruining my makeup for one of the nicest things anyone has ever bought for me. He then notions me to read inside the book and sure enough, here is the inscription he wrote: [Note: Alot of these are inside jokes so if you don't get some, that's expected. lol]

Jen!!

My GLEE-loving-I.T.S-auditioning-Tyra-Show-participating-"mariachi: it's a regional thing"-ing- Resident Idol winning- Professional Third Wheeling- Pink loving- tostada making- ruffle dress wearing- we will deck out our apartment in James Dean and Marilyn Monroe- Darren Criss swooning- cockblocking because of shoes- guardian angel- Pied Piper of gay guys within a two mile radius- will become famousthrough her blog and Twitter- awesomeness in a box, amazing friend and inspiration, not to mention fellow grammar Nazi.

'your aspirations are your possibilites.' - Samuel Johnson

With the spunk of Marilyn Monrow, the voice of Lea Michele, and the heart of Barbra Streisand, Jen, you're an amazing kid and I'm glad you're in my life! Thank you!!

Mark

By this time I was really crying. Yeah, I know. I'm a sap. lol I was so touched by this whole thing that it really sank in on how much of a family I have away from my parents and also how one little gesture can mean so much. I was pretty pensive about it the entire time. Even when I went to the mall with my friend and went out for a late lunch, I was pretty silent. Then my nice little bubble of obbservance was popped. My mom called. She wanted to go back home and NOW and was wondering where the hell I was.
Like I wanted to go back.
At any cost, my mom sounded peeved. (Plus she threatened to disown me) so  I had no choice but to make my way back home and pack up to the Land of False Promises: I've made my way to my old hometown. You'd think I was a convict trying to sneak my way into the country by the way I've smuggled myself into the town relatively unnoticed. I haven't told anyone I'm here, mostly because I don't want anyone to know that I'm here.
I literally drove into town and I felt my shoulders tense up. Everything seems so much smaller, so empty and so... apathetic compared to my college existence. And so we drove in.. and I'm not all that thrilled to be here. But my mood changed when I helped unload the car and came back inside and saw I got three texts.
Two were from Twitter:
Mark and Sergio not only made it Facebook official but made it Twitter official. They're a couple. Aaaand this all happened within the two hours it took me to leave civilization and be dumped in this hellhole.
...
Really guys? lol

At any cost, I'm absolutely thrilled for them. They are incredibly adorable and I wish them the best of luck (because after all, they are the only couple I don't want to throw shoes at)

But anyhow, aside from this great news, I have 29 days to go (and counting) and I can only hope the next few days are filled with a chance to practice and finish my Christmas shopping.

And even now, I'm still very lucky to be embraced by so many wonderful people who have changed my life. (and I can only hope Mark and Sergio come to visit because I'm going to go bonkers being trapped in this town for so long alone)

and either way, this hole of a place has some great people, particularly Juan the bestie and my high school band chums who actually enjoy the place (a phenomenon I will never understand)

The good will always be that my days of isolation are over... even if I'm single. :)

"I Will Survive"

“Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope.”

I've survived my first semester in college!

[insert clapping sound effect]

And so what do you do when you survive your first semester? If you're like me, how do you celebrate? By  running errands and staying home of course! But in true fashion to my life, not everything predictable works out the way you think it does. And it didn't but it's not all bad.
After my last final today, I went and began the redesign for this blog and must I say, I totally love it! I just need to get the domain name switched in the summer and we should be good. Then I set up my blog's Twitter account and of course Mark invited me to eat lunch with him. And my role of professional third wheel resumed and I got a few "I'm Asian" jokes in (it's a new occurring joke between Mark, his roommate and I)

Then I applied for a job at the bookstore, paid for my Spring classes, and came back home... and got a text just as I was walking into the gates of my dorm. It was none other than His brother. Yup, the infamous you-know-who's brother. I totally forgot that he was coming by to pick up the famous TV I was lent a few months ago. Now that my grandparents bought me one, I only felt it right to return them their TV. Of course they sent his brother to pick up the TV. Now, while you-know-who's brother and I have had somewhat of a very terse relationship, ever since I moved here, we've gotten along really well. So what was supposed to be just the handing back of a TV turned into an actual visit where we talked. I got to how him where I live and actually have visitors which I rarely have these days aside from the random stop from Jess and Mark. And somewhere in between our conversation, he started talking about of all things how a workout is really important. His explanation? Fitness represents survival. If the world were to collapse, it's up to you to make sure you're prepared. If you can stay strong, you'll survive.

And so I've agreed to start working out (okay, more like harassed into working out but still) and even so, I've realized, you know, that I will get through everything and even in an unconventional story like mine, people will always be around.

And before he left, he presented me with the Christmas present you-know-who's family got me: the 2011 Glee calender. My inner nerd was all kinds of happiness and it only makes reaffirmed that this unconventional arrangement may be... well, orthodox... but there are people who understand and who can sometimes make me smile at the strangest times.

So David's family, Mark, Jess, my friends from back home, my own family... by one way or another, they're all connected but thankfully a part of my life.

It's not a cheesy disco song or even a cliche sitcom setting. But it's a start. It's something and even if it means being Mark's 3rd wheel/wingman or being the kid who doesn't want to go home, I have to start working somewhere to be out in the world and if I get going, I'll survive.

"Life and Love and Why"

‎"Whether it's a heart attack or a heartbreak, just like on Broadway, the show must go on." - Rachel Berry ♥

Well, I guess I saw this coming but... I've happily resumed my place as professional 3rd wheel.

Wait... what??

Yes, you heard me correctly. I've become a 3rd wheel again and for the first time I'm actually kinda happy about it.  Mark has met someone and he's AMAZING!!! It's like seeing Kurt and Blaine in real life (that's a Glee reference, folks. Get used to it) And plus, (I'm sure I've said this countless times) but Mark doesn't make me want to throw a shoe at him and I like hanging out with him... and listening to him go on about this new guy. I also seemingly end up being there when they see each other but either way, this is where I belong and it feels so right to not only be helping someone else's romance but also to be in the company of a good friend. It's been such a long time since I've actually begun talking to people and Mark's definitely gotten me out of my shell that after much consideration, I've decided to move forward with something I've never done before.
I've realized that Lyrics, Memories and the Unknown no longer applies to the concept and what I've been writing about and so I've decided to rename my blog and do a complete redesign, so say hello to my reborn blog, "Life, Love and Why", inspired by life and the many twists and turns it throws. From there we'll see how it goes :)

"Positive"

"It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts. "
-Robert H. Schuller

True to my tendencies, I've faced my fair share of trifles , particularly in terms of life and living in the present. This entry is no different from me sharing them.
Apparently, what I confused for dates with the aforementioned guy in my blog are NOT dates. It took a  Mark to let me see that. It turns out I was right: The guy IS gay. Go figure, huh?
Anyways, after what seems like the 6th gay man to come in my midst, I just decided to go with the flow.
Now moving on
I've realized that what will eventually become my late teens and early 20's are resembling what most single women go through in their mid 30's. I am beginning to see my friends pair off. One just had a baby. Two of my other friends are in the process of planning their weddings and one just announced his engagement. I'm happy for all of my friends and I'm sure their respective weddings are going to be great. Juan thinks that maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way and instead of being all torn up about it I should be thankful that I don't have anything adult like that in my life and he's right. I just can help but feel that the car that is my life is stalling and I shouldn't be having this many problems getting back into dating. Hell, I shouldn't be having this many problems even just talking to the opposite sex but I do. Can't help it but I've got to go with the flow.
In other news, it seems like other aspects of my life are falling into place. I've finally made an friend who's not destructive, doesn't burden me with his issues (Ahem, Erick...) and feels like family. He's so amazing that since he's staying at the dorms the entire time for the Winter Break (long story), I'm willing to bring him home with me. Mark is someone that I've mentioned a few times but I can never fully stress how amazing he really is. He inspires me everyday with something new and even though his love life is better than mine, I'm actually happing for him (and not secretly plotting to throw a shoe at him like Erick and other people)
He's got one hell of a story, one that might actually be a bit crazier than mine but... even so, he embraces everything with such finesse and already, I love that I'm blessed to have him as a friend. :)
And trust me. this is saying something since right now it's Finals week and my head just wants to explode. But on the positive, I survived my History final (I just need to worry about Sociology and I can breathe again)

 

This is what I feel like and for the other college students out there doing Finals, lets hope the Chihuahuas in the world and you and I alike can survive. :)

"The Trouble With Love Is"

It's the weekend... finally.
It's been one crazy week full of ups and downs anyway you look at it.
Monday was a great day. Best day of my week. (:
Tuesday...
I watched the newest episode of Glee and I was proud and outraged at the same time. No, I am not dissing on my favorite TV show... it was a great episode but it hit a little too close to home this time around. I've re fallen in love with Darren Criss (of A Very Potter Musical fame, who plays the cool and incredibly adorable Blaine on Glee)
For the first time in my life, I saw a love story that was unconventional, modern and leaves much to be hopeful for the rest of us. While I am very much straight, it was touching to see the gay community represented in mainstream society. . It was touching for many of those that I love and cherish as members of my second family (my close circle of friends) represented in such a beautiful, innocent and real way. I highly recommend watching the episode if you already don't watch Glee.
But for those of you who have seen it, you may be asking: How does this affect me?
Love.
It seems like everywhere I've gone this past week there's been romance involved. I've begun to think that maybe after two years I should just start considering dating seriously again and try being in a relationship but the truth is at best, all I am are damaged goods. It's been two years (quite literally to the day) that I haven't been in a relationship or dared to get close to it. I've felt like somewhat of an outsider, seeing my friends flirt and go on dates and flirt and interact with other people. Alot of people don't realize that something that basic can really make a big difference. Maybe because alot of the people I'm encountering also kind of give me crazy flashbacks of high school, and these aren't flashbacks I like.
But anyways, back to my point. Glee made me ecstatic by showing an unconventional relationship that reflects the changes of the times of modern society in a beautiful and true way.
My only complaint is "Damnit... That's one less person I can relate to." Everyone's pairing off! lol
The rest of the week was better. I got my first A in my History class, the most impossible thing in terms of that class. No one gets high grades in her class. EVER. So that pretty much made my week.
Then came Friday. Hockey day (:
For the first time I actually saw people I knew at the game because my college campus had a college night at the game. But even so, no one solid group I could just go up and hang out with for the rest of the night was there so I sat with the one person I could relate to and understand the most: my speech teacher.
He's no older than 35, is a pop culture geek like me and actually understands what I'm talking about (and loves Glee just as much as I do) He went by himself as well and we had a pretty good time talking and watching the game. (:
Then came the after skate. I was accompanied by Mark, the big man on campus who singlehandedly is probably the most vital person in the student body. He's been all over the US and has doen great things and is very involved on campus. He and I also share one thing in common. We're both single but please folks, don't get any ideas. He's gay.
And so I shared my experience of skating with a great friend. The beginning of ice skating, when they clean the ice, is always tough because you have no friction to fight against so there are always stumbles.In this case, I actually hit the ice. Hard.
But I got back up and kept going and I stayed up the rest of the night. I felt like I was flying and so I soared on the ice. When I got off the ice and to my cell phone, I saw that I not only had a missed call but a voicemail from David's dad. He called to let me know that Switchfoot was on Leno that night and he thought I should know. It was the nicest thing and a great close to the weekend. The next day, I caught up with my favorite band's performance and enjoyed my weekend. It comes down to a crazy week with a chill weekend but at the end of the day, let's face it. I'm single.

"These Foolish Things Remind Me of You"

The week is off to a great start! Monday was upbeat and optimistic. Tuesday (today) got off to a bumpy start but it's not a bad day. Plus, Glee is on tonight and I've got "Teenage Dream" stuck in my head. (: This week is gonna be great and I know that I can push forward and make up for lost time, considering how gloomy it was last week. Even with my sunny disposition though, there's just something that feels kind of funny to me and it borders on foreign.
It all starts with a necklace. Over the years, one signature piece I've always had is a silver necklace. Simple, understated and yet very much a part of my personal sense of balance. I have a tendency to change the pendants and replace them with either the wear and tear of using them daily or just because I found something pretty to wear around my neck. I went back to the original pendant of the chain I'm currently using (a heart made up for aquamarine stones) and very recently and one of the stones fell out. So I quickly had to change charms and the only one I had left was none other than a charm I haven't moved from it's box in almost 2 years.
2 years ago, David gave me this charm for Christmas. It's a silver Christmas wreath made of hollies and was meant to be a part of the charm bracelet he bought me for Christmas. I personally never got to put the charm on my bracelet so it's been in it's little box unused until now. Until I find a new charm, this one is now resting on my neck.
Let me be the first to tell you... it feels weird to be wearing it. I never wore it when we were together because I had every intention of attaching it to my charm bracelet and because I was afraid of ruining it. Now, I wear it because otherwise I'd feel naked not having a charm in its place and it serves as a placeholder. Even so, it reminds me of this time of year in retrospect of last year and the year before last. In 2008, we were just starting out. In 2009, I was single, close to rounding off my first year of being single and fresh off my experience of  meeting Tyra Banks and the cast of Glee. 2010... nada.I'm not so sure if it'll seem like nothing once I experience the year ahead of me but still. I can't help but feel reminded of the last two years of my life just by wearing this necklace. I hope that I can get a new charm soon because even if this is psychosomatic and I'm just imagining all these reminders of what happened two years ago, it still feels weird.
Hopefully this won't ruin the rest of my week. There's a hockey game this weekend!!! :D

"Flight Risk With a Fear of Fallin'"

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. "

-Buddha

Last night, I went to a hockey game with my aunt and her family for my cousin's 12th birthday. I guess that's one of the nice things about coming to where my family lives for college. Even if I live far from my parents, family is always around. Personally, I'm one of those people who loves hockey for the main reason that it's one of the few sports I actually understand. It's not like football with 40 billion penalties and rules and lines. Hockey is simple. A puck moves back and forth. You score by moving the puck into the net. Nothing difficult about that. Add in the difficulty of moving around on ice, the fights on ice, the crowd adrenaline and a bunch of good looking guys and I'm sold on watching. I'm also blessed to live in a town that actually has a hockey team so this made for a perfect outing. I borrowed my cousin's jersey, we ate at Red Lobster then came to the game.

For the first time in years, I caught up with an old friend from kindergarten who happens to work at the arena in the camera crew. He and I haven't seen each other in ten years and so when I went to the game, I stopped by to say hi and kind of catch up. Then after the game, my cousin and I went ice skating, my new secret thrill.

You see, when I was a Freshman in high school my aunt took me to my first hockey game. At first my skates didn't fit right and I kept wobbling all over the ice. Then after trading my skates for something that fit better, I noticed the difference and I got confidence. I skated faster but that confidence came to bite me in the ass when one wrong turn landed me in a wall. Since then, I hadn't bothered to get back on the ice. The crash resulted in a badly sprained ankle that took months to heal, a whole bunch of scratches and a very bruised personal sense of pride. It's only been up until now that I've set foot on the ice again.

I got back on the ice for the first time two weeks ago and I was terrified. I made sure to get skates that fit perfectly and was pretty much glued to the wall. But then I let go and slowly started moving. I would freak out every inch and keep leaning for the wall but never toppled over. That first time back on the ice I moved

at my own pace and even though my blade got caught on the ice every so often, each stumble, though it threatened to knock me down just moved me forward. And thus, it made yesterday much easier.

So I pretty much bumped into quite a few hockey players who were on the ice after the game (one saw me almost slam into a wall and another actually saved me from going facefirst into the ice, to be specific) but I stayed away from the wall. The thrill of feeling the cold and the empowerment of moving on my own was not only liberating but mentally soothing. It's the closest to feeling like I'm flying and I love it. Maybe someday I'll share my secret place of peace and solace... the place I haven't found in a long time that hasn't been taken away from me. Hopefully as time passes, I can get better at my skating... and not attack a professional hockey player while I'm at it. :)

While I'm terrified of falling, it's worth it to get the joy of soaring on your own... this concept could apply to alot of things.

First time back on the ice (:

One of the hockey players I bumped into,

Jarred Mohr, Defenseman for the Laredo Bucks (:

"Real Gone"

You know, some of the best weekends always come from sucky weeks and this one is no exception. I've been kind of down in the dumps with everything that happened but it all came down to an awesome Friday. I woke up early, did pretty well on my in-class essay for my History class, finished my research for Speech, got a free massage (thank goodness for Resident Appreciation Weeks!) and did all my work and then spent the time with none other than the guy who I've gone out with twice already. We went out for a random hot chocolate run and met up with one of his friends and planned for an impromptu trip to the beach next weekend. (Awesomeness!)
But on this awesome Friday a hundred or so miles away from where I am now around the same time, my Alma Mater was celebrating their 5th straight defeat of our [only] rivals. Football isn't and has never really been my thing but I cheered for everyone through a Facebook status post.
This brings me to Saturday. Today. After some confusion, I ended up staying in town instead of going to a performance because they forgot I don't have a car. (The one thing that constantly annoys me is the one thing people forget. Joy.) I called Juan today and we were able to catch up. Aside from all our usual talking, one thing he said really struck out to me. Almost all of the band alumni were at the game. Apparently everyone went except for me.
Why these things?
The reason the comment about everyone being there except me being there and it being noticeable is just the fact that someone noticed. Had I gone though, I can assure you it would have raised questions. I hated high school, almost every single part of it. I hated how so many people gave the last four years of being in secondary education so much valor. I hated the crappy caste system made up of social hierarchy and who was cool. I hated being criticized for every damn thing I did and how no one gave me a fair break to be myself because God forbid it cause some kind of movement forward. It was horrible to constantly feeling like I had to prove myself and be considered wrong and some form or a joke to those around me. That's why I swore I wouldn't go back until I absolutely had to and that's why the only sign of school spirit I had/have are the things I earned based on personal merit and even then, I kind of protested that too. My Letterman jacket (instead of being orange and white like everyone else's) is black and gray and I'm the only senior in my graduating class with it. Also, the stone on my class ring is Pink and not Orange. The place and town left a thorn in my side and a bad taste in my mouth and I was all too happy to leave and not return. Which is why when Juan said I was the only one missing, it made me think. Aside from Juan being my best friend and possibly the only one who missed me at the game, I'm sure me going would have not done me any favors. No one was going to miss me, considering that they spent the last four years of my life doing everything in their power to ostracize me and wish I was gone.  Why do I feel bad about not going then? I don't know but I guess it's too late to change it now and it's better for me to have not gone.
Now I won't be home until Christmas (when I'm being forced at all costs to be home unless I want to be disowned) and I'm still begging and pleading with my parents to come here instead of making me go over there simply because I hate being there so much but considering that we're celebrating Thanksgiving with my grandparents and not at home, they're done with traveling for holidays. I don't plan on sticking around longer than I need to. The first Sunday after New Year's, I'm headed back to school.
Being at school is like the summer vacation I never had and when I think about all the shit I went through at home, I could live the rest of my life not setting foot back in that town again. I hate it that much.
So from great friday to confusing saturday. I wonder what sunday has in store for me....

(but hey... I am proud that I managed to do TWO blogs in one week!)

"Can't Break Her Fall"

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

     This week in general has been a rather rough week for me in terms of events that have happened to me and I guess you could say I walked into alot of it.
      I fell down a flight of stairs last Friday. In spite of the notoriety my clumsiness has, not once have I fallen down the stairs. And trust me, it hurts. And I guess what was more irritating was that I was walking with Erick and Kevin.When I hit the last stair with a bang, Kevin freaked out and asked if I was okay. Erick just stared and said nothing. He didn't even bother to help pick me up. Story of my life: When Life knocks you down - no matter how much it hurts- NEVER expect a man to pick you up. You just get up, dust yourself off and keep on walking. And so I did. I got myself up, limped down the rest of the stairs and limped all around campus until the pain got to be so much, I asked my Speech teacher if I could leave to my dorm early to go rest because on Friday of all days, not only was I expected to walk but strut in a campus beauty pageant. I was then escorted via campus police to the health services center where I was fussed over more than I should have been. I didn't dislocate anything but hell is there a lot of bruising. This brings me to the next surprise.
After almost 13 years of being mocked and called ugly by the majority of my classmates, I competed in a beauty pageant... and earned one of the top 5 finalist spots... there were at least 40-ish girls in the pageant
:O This not only breaks my own deeply rooted assumption that I don't stand a chance in any type of beauty pageant but also changed alot of my heavily ingrained self concept. To believe that I'm not pretty and to be told otherwise by a panel  of judges who not only have experience in the pageant world is mind boggling.
    And clearly, it's beginning to become more accepted that I imagined. That Saturday, I got invited to a party at a ranch that belongs to the family of someone I know on campus. I surprised myself by actually going, knowing I'd end up being a babysitter for my friends more than anything else. And sure enough, I was. But at that party, something happened that was not only beyond my reach but incredibly disappointing. Someone hit on me.
     There's this guy on my floor who I've kind of admired from afar. He's someone I met and he's an interesting guy to talk to. Well, the guy slowly made his moves at that party. He flirted, called me pretty, held my hand... and eventually made his move and when he did, I didn't exactly stop him. I didn't let him do what he wished, that I was pretty adamant about but the fact that a guy called me "pretty" basically twisted with my mind a bit. Guys never call me pretty. And not to be conceited or anything but I'm just so used to being called many other things in the form of compliments about my intellect, or outlook on life that I don't ever expect to hear anything about beauty. If and when I do, I immediately think it's either a cruel joke or some form of sarcasm. Anyway, back to my point.
When I got back from the party, I was in a pretty good mood, filled with confidence and giddiness. That is, until I logged in to Facebook the next morning, when he added me on Facebook and it was there, on my laptop's screen that my mood plummeted. The guy from my floor, who charmed me and made a move and held my hand all night was in a relationship... with someone else. That has been my lowest low ever. And when I asked him about it, and asked him why he did what he did even though he has a girlfriend, he simply told me this:
"Being in a relationship doesn't mean anything. College is about experimenting and having fun. Plus she's hooked up with guys at parties and not told me about it. I should be able to do the same, right?"
Am I the only person who's incredibly bothered by this? Had I known he had a girlfriend, not only would I have stayed away from the guy but I also wouldn't have let him hit on me. Relationships are supposed to mean something and the fact that I got played not only disgusts me but makes me lose faith in the human race a little bit more. I don't agree with the "it's college: experiment and think later" philosophy. That's now how I was raised and that's not even moral. So yes, it's sad and depressing that at the moment no one sees eye-to-eye with me. At that party, I was looked at funny because I was the only one in the whole place who wasn't wearing a skimpy Halloween costume, didn't drink, didn't smoke and still had fun. All my friends got plastered (which is where my role of babysitter came in) Aside from being played, I didn't do anything against the morals I was raised with and not once acted in a way that would draw a negative reputation.
Keep this in mind because the lesson out of all of this is good girls finish last. I'm guilt ridden and have been all this week. I see him on campus all the time and know that every time I do, he's living with a clean conscious and I'm struggling with the fact that it's not right. Little fiascos have happened to me after this weekend. I caused a major spill in the auditorium where my History class is held. Thankfully my friends were there to help me out. I've gotten 2 job rejection letters... a discouraging blow. Then today at lunch, I spilled something yet again, except this time on myself and as a result, I've been hiding in the library, writing this blog entry until the left side of my pants dry, which is why I'm finishing this entry all in one sitting (compared to the week it's begun to take me to get through a blog entry now)
I know there are other people on this Earth who have worse problems than me and I'm not saying "woe is me" either. Each morning I remind myself that everyday is a new day and that hopefully there will be something positive and bright to look forward to. It's not the end of the world yet and I can't act like it. Right now I'm just experiencing a time of trifles, each one just one stumble away from my path.  After all, who said negative thinking got anyone anywhere?

"Listen"

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."  

-E.B White

For some, defining moments come at the right place and at the right time with the right grandeur attached to it. For others, it comes unknowingly and only after much later does it become apparent how much of your life can change because of something so seemingly harmless. I am one of those people. When things get thrown my way, I don't realize how much of an impact it might make until much later. I'm only human and flawed at best so it's only natural for I as well as everyone to be oblivious to what may as well be some of the more character defining moments of our lives.
When I started writing a year and a half ago, I never imagined it would lead to a book and everything that followed.
When I got stuck at a school I had no intention of attending, I had no idea I would discover how much I loved music.
Also, the decisions of others, can make a big impact in someones life as well. Like now. After 3 weeks of pure and absolute silence from not only me but the other party involved, you-know-who and I have managed to become what I once foresaw but never thought thought would come from him. I guess I'll admit I was so damn proud that I thought it would come from me rather than from him but being that Fate brought me to here of all places for college and the fact that I ended up in his stomping grounds, it only makes logical sense that he would do this before me. But for once I can tell that this just might be something that comes back later, either as a defining moment or to haunt me. I'm not sure what yet but I've decided to embrace the fact that I'm free of alot of things now. I'm going to search for my own voice again, the one that's been muddled by school, my life as it was and how my life may be for the rest of my days.I've forgotten how to speak and really speak. Everything is just noise at this point in time. It's time to add words and quality to it.

On a Day Like Today

Life has become an insane roller coaster and so it seems like just maybe things are stressing me out sometimes but I've managed to find a few things that have relaxed me but also a few things I've found to be very interesting along the way.
I went on a date last week... I think... lol
In case you're wondering why I said I think, it's because of how I had just walked into it. It was late, I had just finished singing (and he's gone to see me every week at Resident Idol) and he just out of the blue, invited me to dinner. No beating around the bush, just like that. "Hey, let's go to dinner."
And this is the guy I thought I couldn't like... I honestly thought he was gay. Turns out he's not. And well, I actually had a good time. We talked for hours, I didn't have to pay any part of the bill OR tip, and he actually brought me home like a gentleman (and I'm aware how sad it must sound to have not paying the bill be the bonus of a date but thus far, most of my dates have required that and it was a MAJOR bonus to not have to pull out money for once) So he took me out to dinner, dropped me off, kissed the top of my head before I got off the car and sent me on my way. That's been the best time I've had on a date ever, and it's been the simplest date thus far. I was still kinda glazed over by everything for the week afterward, thus why there's a big gap of lacking explanation. My friend Kevin keeps conspiring that we'll end up dating seriously but hey, it was one date!
And so now I've reached a point in my life where I'm in middle ground. I can teeter totter on insanity or stability but it's all good I suppose. One example of this is well... David himself. haha
We haven't officially spoken in almost 2 weeks now simply because he just doesn't answer my calls or reply to my texts which I suppose is liberating so imagine my surprise when he texted me tonight about his mom bringing the tv they wanted to lend me because of the concern that I've been running to the dorm lobby weekly to station myself and reserve the tv for hours for Glee episodes on Tuesdays. (Yes, I'm that much of an addict that I will stalk the tv for hours to watch a new episode) Being that i'm close to the family, they lend me a spare tv to watch. That doesn't mean David doesn't have some kind of passive agressive nature to him which kind of makes me laugh as I think about it now. He just handed it to me and said "Here." One word in 2 weeks. Sure, I hauled it up a flight of stairs to the second floor and more than likely would have refused out of my own pride to let him carry it no matter who or what was protested but yup, his curt behavior immediately registered in my mind and thought ," Yup this is David, the guy who used to be one of my best friends alright. Now he's handing me a tv with one word responses."
So now it seems like when it comes down to the tightrope they call life I could fall either way but for now I'll just keep on walking. Maybe I'll get 2 word responses someday. :P

Oh and before I go, a shoutout to Kevin Courtois! He and I have been talking since I've been attempting to wrap up this entry (because I'll be honest, I started writing this 2 weeks ago) and I managed to finish it finally. Thanks, Kevin! (:

"White Flag"

"I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent. "

— Marilyn Monroe

I'm scared to admit what I'm about to write for many reasons. 1) Because it would reveal so much vulnerability on my part 2) I'm not sure how things would work if anyone realized what I was talking about and 3) It scares me more than it will scare anyone else.
Here goes.
With every day that passes by, I find myself getting more and more lost within myself. I find a sense of panic. I don't know myself anymore, and my health is starting to take a toll like it never has before. I'm used to stress. As a matter of fact, it was a welcome factor that reminded me I was alive. Now, I have no idea what's going on. My skin is reacting in weird ways, pointedly by looking like I'm sunburned when I'm not. Everything is sensitive to it and it's weird in patches. I cry at random moments for no reason and cry because I feel helpless and because I have no one to go to that I can trust. I toss and turn in the middle of the night. I'm restless, I have no idea what's wrong with me and it scares me. School is going great but personally I'm a mess. My mom's harping from home, I've got financial woes, I can't stop eating, and I don't get why.
And then, there's something I'm scared to admit.
I've met someone here on campus. I can't say who, I can't say where. I can't say anything. But I'm starting to think that there could be more than friendship... and I can't let that happen. He's great but I can't. There are reasons why I can't and I'm aware of them. Everyone says my reasons are silly but I just know it wouldn't be right to let myself like him or even let him know how I'm starting to lean. He's a great person with a really understanding heart. He's there sometimes and gets me so well. But it has to stay platonic. I can't let it go further. For the first time in a long time... I have feelings for someone who's not David and while that's a good sign, I just can't be with him. I. Just. Can't.
Maybe its perfect timing too because David's not answering my calls and at the moment, no one's more relieved of that than me. Michael's right... I put David on too high of a pedestal sometimes. Still, maybe it's because I had no one else to put on it and now that I do, I can't let myself. *sigh*...

Dent

For lack of appropriate titles, this one seems to be the best one at the moment. And it's not a song lyric or title. Instead it's the subject of a message I received in my Facebook inbox yesterday morning and what the message had to say kind of got me straight again.
Sorry if I haven't written all too much or made any sense for the last few entries but I can tell you this much; not much has made sense to me either. I've been stuck in a rut.
Let me start where this somewhat began. (This started after "Caving In", a semi-recent blog entry) By that entry, my self confidence really hit the bucket. It was the weekend and I really needed a confidence boost and so I decided to try something new. It was either between getting the new piercing I always wanted or getting a trim on my hair (I've been secretly dying to get Rachel Berry's Season 2 haircut and if you don't know what that is then for shame on you lol)
In the end I decided on my hair, because like everything so far, my mother would kill me. What a big mistake that was. I walked in and as I explained cautiously that I wanted a TRIM and that I wanted it shoulder length, the hairdresser either misheard me or did what she wanted. She chopped off most of my hair. I have a much shorter cut than I wanted. Then the hairdresser has the nerve to ask me "Do you still want layers?" I wanted to cry. I asked for Rachel Berry and got Lady Gaga in Alejandro (yes, that short!)
The reason I haven't mentioned it is because my mom hadn't seen it and I know how she hates finding things out over the internet and so I basically waited until she came to visit me last week and needless to say she was stunned.
She stayed for all of last weekend and seeing my mom made me think of many things. For one, how seriously I meant alot of things. I swore I wasn't going to come home and I haven't... my mom had to come to me. My brother didn't want to leave my dorm room, my mom didn't talk much to me, and I could feel how much they missed me. I miss them, terribly. And yet she still thinks I don't want to come home because of them. I hate home for deeper reasons than my family. My family was the reason I stayed to begin with but as much as I love them, I can't go back ever again. I have too many scarred and painful memories of living in that town. I need to stay strong and motivated. Yet, as it's clearly been seen, I'm doubting myself alot. I'm also having really lonely nights. While I can keep it together and work through the day, it's getting to become hard doing everything alone. I come home to an empty room (no offense, Foreman but you can't answer back at me or be there for me) I sleep in silence, I think of too many things, and I kick myself for things I can no longer change or have no control over. Yesterday, I had pretty much had enough. Which is why it surprised me when I got this message in my Facebook inbox... from David's dad (and in case you read this sir, it DID surprise me)

Good Morning, was reading your Blog and couldn't help myself to comment on your thoughts concerning How much of a dent you would leave in this word. Wanted to let you know that the Dent that you leave will be as big as you want to make it, unless I'm wrong i guess everyone dreams of someday being someone that left an impression somewhere. You just go ahead and dream big, work hard and success will eventually follow. No one every said that success came easily.


Talk Later,  David's Dad


It lifted my spirits in ways that I really needed but goes to an argument I've had in my head. Is it worth having that everything you've ever wanted with no one to share it with or is it better to be surrounded by people who enjoy your company and love you for who you are, without amounting to anything in this word? I thought about this alot after my breakup with David and I think about it alot now that I'm in college. I hit the books every night, I go to classes and take notes, learning about life with paper and binding as my shield. I eat and observe the environment. seeing other people and their lives. I practice my vocals, do homework, write bits and pieces of my book and talk to friends sometimes. I've got a potential for bigger and better, I'm doing what I love, I'm surrounded by co-workers and classmates who think that I'm desined for great things and that's all fun and dandy but I can't say that I can call anyone if I need to talk, even if its the middle of the night or that anyone would come to my rescue if I felt sad. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that no one is close enough to me to do that. I suppose I should be happy that I have everything I do and that I have to potential to be somebody and make an impact in the world. Sometimes though, I would trade everything just to feel comfortable and safe and wanted by people around me who enjoy my company and enjoy me just the way I am. Sounds like something simple to ask for but you'd be surprised how many prayers, shooting stars,pennies in wishing wells,  birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes and wishbones have been used for this request.
Sure I can make a dent. I can make a crater if I want. I would still trade it all though.

"Sing It Out"

While I've been closing myself into a social shell, my vocal boundaries are only beginning to come out and while it seems like I've been lost this entire time, I have. But getting lost has opened up the chance to figure myself out. How does this make sense? Simple. I've rediscovered my love for music.
It's no secret that music plays a vital part in my life (and I think this blog is a self explanatory example of that) Still, I've secretly been putting music on the back of my mind for the longest time. I've found myself time and time again reprioritizing my singing and my songwriting for fear of rejection. I sang through high school but found myself trying to convince myself that there are billions of better singers out there who have a much better chance at making it big. What kind of dent would I make? Who wants to hear my voice? Every so often I would put myself on a cloud, dreaming of singing for stadiums of people and touring all over the place, finally feeling a sense of love for what I want to do. Then I would remind myself that it's only just a dream, I'm only just a foolish girl with foolish dreams and then go back to writing in my notebook about these crazy dreams. I never sang at home and I was much too reclusive to really sing the way I wanted to in public. Now that I'm here, it seems like my voice comes to me that much easier. I'm singing and finding that its just so much easier to let things out and be myself. I have nothing to hide anymore. I just want to sing it out loud!
Today I'm competing in a vocal competition so hopefully this comes in handy. (:

I swear, I need to write more... There's just so much story to tell and not enough free time.