Us

So about what I said...
What I have said and what I will say.
Maybe my friends are right and maybe I am in denial about everything but you know something?
I believed in love and fate and happiness and maybe even that anything can exist with the right person by your side. And when you left me, it crumbled alot of deeply rooted assumptions and theories about life. Yes, one person changed my life and hell I'm done pretending that you didn't change my life. I hate it and I want to yell about it but hey, that's life right?
I'm done being in denial and trying to pretend it never happened. I'm going to take this face to face. Can you?
I'll be the Tom and you can be my Summer.

September

One lesson that always stings to learn.
"Life doesn't always go as planned."
So Missouri backed out on me and so I've been forced to go to another school, if only for a little while. My parents have been swearing up and down that they're sorry about what happened and they promise they'll get me to Missouri eventually. I know I probably sound spoiled by thinking that they'll never do it. I've been running it through my mind how they're just thrilled, along with everyone else that I'm staying closer to home. They got what they wanted. I lost.
With me being close to home and (ironically enough) in the same city as the infamous ex who changed my life, I'm terrified of never finding my own place in the world or my own freedom in anything. My parents are full of such hypocrisy and such resentment, I find it hard to believe that they'd support me, much less, allow me to chase after dreams when they made it very clear that they weren't going to help me out if I moved.
I've been contemplating doing something stupid that I know is pretty drastic but probably makes more sense than anything to me. I've been thinking about packing my bags, buying a bus or plane ticket to anywhere and never coming back. I want to take out all my savings, change my name, forget everything and life a clear life without anyone in my past. I've been think alot about this since the split, mostly because there are so many things I got stuck with when he left, my emotions included. I've been trying to put myself back together for a year and even so, I'm tired of being held to this pedestal of perfection and greatness. My parents yell at me because I didn't grades to their standard in high school ("because I can clearly do so much better if I wasn't so distracted") or because I'm in my room all day or because I get freaked out at the doctor's. Maybe at some point I was about meeting these high standards but it's not what I am anymore. I'm moody, I'm downright messy. I'm not perfect. I lose interest. I get stubborn and no one gets that I'm not the same person anymore I was after the split. I can't be no matter how hard I try. I mean, there are nights were I stay up late just thinking about who I was and why things happen and how just having one person by your side in your life made things seem easier. Just having him there made me feel invincible.
Now I feel like life is getting harder trying to juggle the earth and moon on my shoulders with everyone trying to tell me it would just get easier if I took their advice. While I try to tell myself (time and time and time again) that he is only one person and I am much better off without him, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that whispers, "if it were... why isn't it right now?" That one person changed my life forever, more than I'm willing to admit. Now I'm trying to make sense of my life. So many people making decisions for me, bounding me by their own personal rules of yes, no , and you're grounded. What happened to the rest of my life and being trusted to make my own decisions? Do I have to pack up and not tell anyone where I'm going to get that part of me?
Just between us though, I might just set aside a suitcase. Just in case that's what it takes.
And odds are that out of all the people to bitch and chase after me in my quest to find freedom, the people who trap and suffocate me the most will be the ones trying to bring me back... and the one who taught me how to breathe will stay with his feet firmly on the ground, apathetic towards it all.

Ready When You Are

Talk about a serious shift in life planning.

The University of Missouri's financial aid offices couldn't help me. It's been a month of being up and down, calling and praying and waiting. With my scholarship proving to be nothing more than a flop, it's pretty much certain now... I won't be attending the University of Missouri this fall. Instead, I'm moving back home to Laredo for a year. Yesterday I was a mess.
When you spend your entire life dreaming, its a bit unnerving to have your hopes and dreams crash and burn. I feel so let down and so disappointed in this. After years of trying to get out of here, I'm moving back to my hometown. And while no one seems to be able to say anything comforting, my parents are making it worse. By blaming me (for not getting higher grades, for not working hard enough, for not calling earlier, exc.) not only am I kicking myself even more but I'm really not okay with coming back home.
This was also made worse by a doctor's appointment. After my mom grew concened about a mole I have and how its changing color, she booked an appointment to the dermatologist. Personally, I got made fun of at a young age for having it but now I don't mind it but when I went with my stepdad to the dermatologist's office to get it checked out, they suggested that while its normal, we get it removed. Personally, I'm terrified of needles and was already freaked out about the scalpels and needles in the examination room so when they said the word "remove" I panicked. I didn't let them take it off just yet. I asked for some time to think. My parents got pissed. While they did warn me that I would possibly get it removed, they scared me earlier with the possibility of blood work and cancer and a bunch of other worse case scenarios. Then when we left the appointment, they got mad at me for not going through with it and complained about the doctor stating that as an 18 years old, I was legally entitled to make the decision.
I got scared... and as a result I got grounded. No phone, and my parents refuse to speak to me. All because I panicked doesn't seem fair. I'm terrified of needles and would have probably gone back to get it done another day when I wasn't so wired. But the face that my parents got mad over that isn't something logical. While I'm sure it's a normal procedure, it still terrifies me to get rid of the mole and not to mention the other scary side effects that they psyched me out with what I kept being told.
It's like I can do no right. Everything is just adding up and how am I supposed to know what to do or what to say? How can I even be sure that any decision I make or do when I do go to school is going to be right?
These are dark times, times that I can't even tell what might be coming or if things might be good or bad but I can't live like this anymore.
It's these moments where I remember a select song. It's times like this where I remember that maybe no matter what life throwas at me I have to be ready.

"Everything I have I count as loss


Everything I have is stripped away



Before I started building I counted up these costs

There's nothing left for you to take away

Hello hurricane you're not enough


Hello hurricane you can't silence my love



I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love."

"What a difference a day makes..."

I've been thinking alot lately now not only about my future but my past. Ironically (at least in my personal sense of irony) there's something unsettling about the present. I always have my mind at least two weeks to a month ahead of what's going on in front of me. I pack for trips at least a week in advance, I plan my life long goals years before they happen and set my mind on doing things and yet when they happen and I actually do them, my ultimate goals are already old memories and new goals take their place. It's like I thrive off of the potential of living and push myself forward to keep advancing.
Yet, it is this way of thinking -while it's been good to me- has also kinda screwed me over, namely in the form of you-know-who and the other exes that have come and gone. Surely I deserve someone who came move forward with me and my goals and so maybe I had a good thing going for a while that just fell apart with him moving to Laredo and me staying here, being a force that just couldn't stop going.
Still, I just never thought that I -the kind of person who lives for years ahead of my time- would have the most life defining person change everything in one day. I was wrong in letting someone get close who may have just not been in it like me. I watched him walk away yet even though there was nothing I could do about it, something I didn't plan changed my life.
Because I was so blind about the present, I received a huge awakening. Now I wake up one morning and see that I'm a high school graduate, unsure of where I'm going with my future. I've got so many deep dreams and desires I've held for so long that have kept me as a believer in faith. Still with the possibility that this one person could warp me again when we cross paths if I end up moving back to Laredo scares me.
For the first time in my life... the future scares me.
For the first time, I don't have refuge in the future, am propelled forward by my past and am unfamiliar to the present. So where does that leave me?
Does the past have to be so unsettling now that I think about it?
I thought I got all these headaches out of my system when we broke up. >.<

"Do you remember when we met? I sure do."

This whole reunion possibility has really changed my outlook. I don't even recognize it. Like today at work, we had a fundraiser and I was outside staring at an air-conditioned school bus while I was on the air... outside. Aside from the famous Texas heat, I couldn't help but admire how blessed I really was. I'm 18 years old, working at a radio station, on the air, and even with so many things going on in the world and with so many things in my life that have happened... I'm still here. I was having a blast with the staff, aside from being the youngest one on the staff, it was so cool to be on a universal level. I'm going to be doing something with my life and while I don't know where life takes me, I hope it's somewhere amazing.
I mean, to have been reunited with my entire kindergarten class after 10 years is not only lucky but a serious miracle for me. I've thought about these people for so long in and out of moments in my life, and here we are, all together once and for all.
Already, I've reconnected with my past and become friends with someone I thought I was never going to ever speak to again...
Who ever thought the past was going to be so great?
And you know something else? I haven't called you-know-who in I don't even know how long... and I don't have any urge to. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is!

Come Back to Texas

You know, for the longest time, whenever I wanted to escape and daydream I would always think about the future. I survived high school with the concept of imagining myself walking across a huge campus or heading to my dorm for a tv marathon with my roommate.
Lately though, my college situation has been stressing me out so much, I lost my daydream desires. Now thinking about college freaks me out because I don't know where I'm going.
However, true to form, something amazing happened that never in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought was possible. Someone from my kindergarten class added me on Facebook... and from there, we've all seem to have reconnected with one another and now after so long, we're all catching up.
It's soooo surreal but now instead of thinking of my future, I'm instantly caught up in the past and all those good memories.
Haha, all of me and Angel's early years when he and I were kids and I was waaaaay taller than everyone else. (Now, at 5"4, I'm used to being called midget. :P)
If there's a reunion, I'll be super stoked. This is just what we all need before we go our separate ways. (:
Anyways, I'll see tomorrow. I have to go take care of some things. ;)

Sittin', Waitin', Wishin' [and seriously prayin']

It's Monday.
Today I was supposed to hear about my chances with Missouri but alas no such luck.
It's getting tough to wait but again, I'm still hoping something will come through. Hoping for some miracle is better than no miracle, right.
I can only hope something pulls through. ANYTHING at this point. Let's keep hoping, folks. I have until Wednesday...
And if anything, I at least got a little mild comfort by watching Glee videos on youtube.
Bonus points for this one featuring a song from my favorite band:

The Summer Wind

So um... my Facebook friends are in a bit of a uproar today. Who would have ever thought that a simple change in one small detail would make a huge difference? I sure didn't.
For a few hours I was in a relationship... one that had been coming for a while you could say. In the rush of a moment, my friend Michael decided to ask me out.
But, once he got his head together and kind of saw that we weren't going to be able to see each other as often as we'd like, given that we're going to be in different directions in our lives. So it was over before it even started and of course all my friends are in a frenzy because of my facebook switches, wondering what's going on.
I've been single for a year, so the fact that this woulda-coulda-shoulda didn't fall through doesn't bug me. What gets to me has nothing to do with Michael or anything like that. He's my friend and I understand that because we live far apart.
Really the biggest issue I have is just that I've been single for a year, good with friends and family, but for some reason everyone was in this excited frenzy when I changed my relationship status. Sure, I can understand that I've been single for a long time and it might have made me loopy from time to time. Even so, I think it's better to stay this way for a while. It's summer after all. What serious commitments happen in the summer?
In other news, I should be hearing from Missouri tomorrow. My hopes and dreams are on the line here and again... it's terrifying. If you guys could add some extra prayers, I'd really appreciate it but at any cost, I'm getting out of this town. Where I'm going exactly depends on what Missouri tells me.
If only life was a bit more certain than what it is sometimes...

Daughters

You know, it's only starting to hit me how much my family's perception of college and my intentions are different from mine.
Today my mother and I got into a discussion about what's going to happen in the future- What happens if I can go to Missouri? What happens if I can't?- and I basically told her something I've always been sure of. I will not be returning to this town unless its for a serious emergency.
My mom apparently thinks its because I hate my family, and want nothing to do with anyone when in fact that's the most opposite reason for me not wanting to come back ever.
I love my family and I love my mom and my family but this town just has too many memories, too many bad things... too many tainted things, you know? I want to move forward with a clean slate and just avoid any ties. I can at least go to my hometown and enjoy myself. Here? Not so much. But even so, it makes me think about something my mom's best friend told me.
"Do things with your mom. She's going to take it hard once you leave."
I'm going to take it hard too. I mean its been just the two of us for so long and she's been through alot for so long that living on my own is going to be hard without her. But even so, I can tell how hurt she is by me not wanting to come back. But at this point it's not because I want to leave her forever. It's just that I have nothing left to lose at this point. I've been through so much that all I want to do is look forward to the clean slate in front of me. I need to grow up and get going, right?
While I'm sure mothers and daughters have had this issue before mine seems to take this awful hard.
"... and now she's left cleaning up the mess he made..."

Everything Comes With A Price

"And everything comes with a price

But how much can you sacrifice

You feel when you win you still lose

And no one else is in your shoes."

So I didn't get the scholarship for Missouri...

and this terrifies me.

Without it, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do to pay for it.

I was really counting on that scholarship to go to to school and now I'm at wit's end. While trying to calm down, I'm working on looking at any options that might be left. If any, I hope to find something. And for the first time in a long time, my mom has some faith in me. And I appreciate that. But I just don't know what to think anymore...

Once again, hello unknown.

Fuck you hurricane.

"Hello, hurricane you're not enough.

Hello hurricane. You can't silence my love.

I've got doors and windows boarded up

All you're dead end fury is not enough.

You can't silence my love."

Pray for me if you don't mind. I'm leaning on faith and hoping it pays off this time.

Clarity

I've been writing and writing all this week, almost to the point of filling up 6 pages front to back. :O
Why? Too much going on, but I need to simplify things and kind of get it out my way. Here's what's going on. lol (It's not really in order though.)

1) In case you couldn't tell, I now have my own domain name now! Much love to my awesome friend, Brian for purchasing it as a graduation gift. Expect some design changes in the future! (and btw, if you want to see his webpage go to http://www.dontgogentle.com/ )

2) Steph got out of town yesterday. Her time here and as a part of my summer had to end, but even so, I miss her already. (You know ily Steph ♥)

3) I have come to the realization that I over analyze everything. How did I come to this realization? Let's just say it involves the one guy I really need to let go of... guess who.

4) Erick is going to American Idol... God help him. God help me...

5)Hitting a snag with Missouri but PRAYING that things work out.

Having all this written down really seems to put everything in perspective as to why my mind is swimming but ironically I find that it proves that Clarity is a bit overrated. DX

I leave you with this though. Sorry for such a crappy entry but this is a quote from my Facebook, realized from the perspective of #3.

"He says I couldn't guide a camel to water. Oh, I could, I know I could. But in my quest to guide the camel, he'd find water and I'd die of thirst because I can't guide myself to save my life."

I'll leave you with that. ♥