Ready When You Are

Talk about a serious shift in life planning.

The University of Missouri's financial aid offices couldn't help me. It's been a month of being up and down, calling and praying and waiting. With my scholarship proving to be nothing more than a flop, it's pretty much certain now... I won't be attending the University of Missouri this fall. Instead, I'm moving back home to Laredo for a year. Yesterday I was a mess.
When you spend your entire life dreaming, its a bit unnerving to have your hopes and dreams crash and burn. I feel so let down and so disappointed in this. After years of trying to get out of here, I'm moving back to my hometown. And while no one seems to be able to say anything comforting, my parents are making it worse. By blaming me (for not getting higher grades, for not working hard enough, for not calling earlier, exc.) not only am I kicking myself even more but I'm really not okay with coming back home.
This was also made worse by a doctor's appointment. After my mom grew concened about a mole I have and how its changing color, she booked an appointment to the dermatologist. Personally, I got made fun of at a young age for having it but now I don't mind it but when I went with my stepdad to the dermatologist's office to get it checked out, they suggested that while its normal, we get it removed. Personally, I'm terrified of needles and was already freaked out about the scalpels and needles in the examination room so when they said the word "remove" I panicked. I didn't let them take it off just yet. I asked for some time to think. My parents got pissed. While they did warn me that I would possibly get it removed, they scared me earlier with the possibility of blood work and cancer and a bunch of other worse case scenarios. Then when we left the appointment, they got mad at me for not going through with it and complained about the doctor stating that as an 18 years old, I was legally entitled to make the decision.
I got scared... and as a result I got grounded. No phone, and my parents refuse to speak to me. All because I panicked doesn't seem fair. I'm terrified of needles and would have probably gone back to get it done another day when I wasn't so wired. But the face that my parents got mad over that isn't something logical. While I'm sure it's a normal procedure, it still terrifies me to get rid of the mole and not to mention the other scary side effects that they psyched me out with what I kept being told.
It's like I can do no right. Everything is just adding up and how am I supposed to know what to do or what to say? How can I even be sure that any decision I make or do when I do go to school is going to be right?
These are dark times, times that I can't even tell what might be coming or if things might be good or bad but I can't live like this anymore.
It's these moments where I remember a select song. It's times like this where I remember that maybe no matter what life throwas at me I have to be ready.

"Everything I have I count as loss


Everything I have is stripped away



Before I started building I counted up these costs

There's nothing left for you to take away

Hello hurricane you're not enough


Hello hurricane you can't silence my love



I've got doors and windows boarded up

All your dead end fury is not enough

You can't silence my love."