"Together We'll Ring in the New Year" 2011 Edition

"A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compelling situation or challenge, and each marked off by some intense experience."

-Wallis Simpson

Christmas came and left without so much as the bat of an eyelash and I find myself in a very similar position as I was last year: sitting in a dark bedroom, typing my thoughts away on my laptop. Now that my resolutions have been said and done, my plans have been made for ringing in the New Year, and I've said and hoped that this year will be different, the truth is that asking a new year to be different than the last isn't so difficult.
I think about where I was last year (enamored and confused about Mr. Gay-or-European) who turned out to be a nice distraction. I was miserable and frustrated with the world. In 2011, as big of a flop as it was (in terms of my Sophomore year) I met some great people, let some others go and hell I FINALLY got to see Switchfoot in concert! All I can say is that maybe if I get the chance to look back on next year with different eyes, I can see that this is the start of something (or the end) but as long as I see change.

The Life, Love, and Why Letter Project

Now while I've been horribly absent, this is my goal and my chance to bring back my moxie of Jen used to have. I'll admit, as great at 2011 was for me, I lost faith in myself. Here's a chance to discover my story. This is supposed to be the year it all ends. Now to see where it goes
This is my challenge to write a letter every week to these people, as well as update regularly. 

 Week 1,2,3,4 — Your Best Friend (Manny, Juan, Brian, Alex)

Week 5 — Your Crush

Week 6,7 — Your parents

Week 8,9 — Your sibling (or closest relative) (My brother Rami, and the sister I haven't met yet)

Week 10 — Your dreams

Week 11 — A stranger

Week 12 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Week 13 — Your favorite internet friend

Week 14,15,16 — Someone you wish you could meet (Jon Foreman, J.K Rowling, Marilyn Monroe)

Week 17 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Week 18 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Week 19, 20 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain (Mark, David)

Week 21 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Week 22 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Week 23 — The person you miss the most

Week 24 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Week 25 — Someone from your childhood

Week 26 — The person that you wish you could be

Week 27,28 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Week 29 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Week 30 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Week 31 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Week 32 — The last person you kissed

Week 33 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Week 34 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Week 35 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Week 36 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Week 37,38,39 — Someone that changed your life

Week 40 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Week 41 — Your reflection in the mirror

"Breathe (2 AM)"

 "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table..."

For the sake of explanation (and the fact that I think my blog is starting to develop cobwebs) I am making another attempt at writing: a sincere one.
As of recent, I've began to think about alot of things in my life. I've always accepted that there will be a series of moments that constantly fluctuate. I am the queen of winning a race against yourself at a million miles an hour (and the fact that I haven't been able to write on this blog in ages exemplifies it. This has been my busiest ever and I'm feeling it. However, what happens when life slows down and priorities change? I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself because I've never been one to stick around and really let myself slow down.
Eat. Sleep.Career. Life. Repeat. That's the way it's always been. I've always had to take care of myself, brace myself to be rejected by others and somehow do it all with a smile on my face and a seemingly never-ending amount of energy. I am somewhat stunned to report that now, things have actually changed. My boyfriend, the guy I almost didn't give a chance to is making me see things a little differently. He's leaving to London to study abroad next semester. Studying abroad has always been one of my biggest ambitions and something I've sadly accepted as out of my reach (I can't afford to go to school here, much less in another country)
Life isn't exactly people friendly and it has a tendency to catch you off guard, but it's the adrenaline- the passion, love and positivity that keeps up going even in the darkest and most grim of moments. As of recent, it's only dawned on me to wonder.Do life, love and sanity all keep the same company? Is it safe to even think that you can have all three?
I start with myself. As a single person, I was able to keep my life in check, minus a few petty snags. I was able to control my thoughts and even empower myself with the ability to decide where I was going. But I didn't have love. I didn't believe it. However, now I'm in a relationship and a damn good one. Now, my goals have changed. I find myself dreaming at night, actually dreaming which I haven't done since my years in high school when my biggest goal was to be able to wake up in a dorm room I call home. Now I dream of actually owning a home, calling something mine. I want to settle down and I would personally be okay with the idea of getting married and having kids. (Yes, you read that correctly.) The feminist bachelorette who GAGGED at the idea of being married, and shunned at kids now wants a house and to settle down! I KNOW!
My life isn't the same as it used to be and I've actually dropped having a hectic and busy life for just being a student, just being a sister, and just being a girlfriend/ Still somehow, I haven't been able to keep my life in check, and hah, my sanity's taking a vacation.
Just as I'm starting to finally appreciate a well-deserved relationship, my mom brings in unnecessary drama into my life, making me feel guilty. Yet my boyfriend is still here, and I'm just the one that can't handle it.
I'm trying desperately to make sense of how my career is at a downward spiral (I've retired from singing thanks to Mark , The Asian Who Must Not Be Named   a former good friend of mine who got a lucky break and I've tanked at everything since) and in all the insanity, my boyfriend is still here, in spite of everything. And much to my blessings, my constant through this entire story has stuck around too. I just don't give him the credit he deserves sometimes.
Back in February I met someone I was not expecting to get close to. I was drunk, and miserable (and again, single) yet he saw me at a party, not knowing who I was and made sure I got home safe. Something about that night lead to us going from strangers to acquaintances. I've listened to him, and helped him with his life and he was there for me when everyone else abandoned me. He helped me when I tried to kill myself this year (and nobody else knew except for JJ and him) This guy (unlike those before who've promised friendship and ended up hurting me) has actually called me his best friend before I even said it. Hell, he's the reason I have my boyfriend (mostly because I was too much of a moron to admit that JJ liked me for ages but whatever) Yeah, Manny. I'm talking about you. :P
I bring him up because as of recent, every conversation we have makes me think about how love, life, and sanity don't keep the same company. He gave up everything for a girl, and his life didn't work the way he wanted to but just when he took the plunge to try and chase after new dreams (with a new girlfriend) it fell flat. I hate seeing him kick himself at night, questioning his every decision. At the same time, I see alot of him in myself. To the outside, he doesn't approach people and the fact that he's so misunderstood gives him a bad name yet he's honestly the best person (aside from JJ) I've met in college. I want him to be happy and while he's confined himself to simply accepting the current, does that mean I'm doing the same. When JJ leaves for London, what's going to become of me? Am I going to survive, or am I going to spend my nights crying and balled up under my bed waiting for him?
I guess I've learned now that you can't let your life revolve around one person and you can't spend your days assuming the worst is coming. You have to embrace the beauty of it. Overall, you just have to take a moment and breathe.