"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table..."
As of recent, I've began to think about alot of things in my life. I've always accepted that there will be a series of moments that constantly fluctuate. I am the queen of winning a race against yourself at a million miles an hour (and the fact that I haven't been able to write on this blog in ages exemplifies it. This has been my busiest ever and I'm feeling it. However, what happens when life slows down and priorities change? I'm not exactly sure what to do with myself because I've never been one to stick around and really let myself slow down.
Eat. Sleep.Career. Life. Repeat. That's the way it's always been. I've always had to take care of myself, brace myself to be rejected by others and somehow do it all with a smile on my face and a seemingly never-ending amount of energy. I am somewhat stunned to report that now, things have actually changed. My boyfriend, the guy I almost didn't give a chance to is making me see things a little differently. He's leaving to London to study abroad next semester. Studying abroad has always been one of my biggest ambitions and something I've sadly accepted as out of my reach (I can't afford to go to school here, much less in another country)
Life isn't exactly people friendly and it has a tendency to catch you off guard, but it's the adrenaline- the passion, love and positivity that keeps up going even in the darkest and most grim of moments. As of recent, it's only dawned on me to wonder.Do life, love and sanity all keep the same company? Is it safe to even think that you can have all three?
I start with myself. As a single person, I was able to keep my life in check, minus a few petty snags. I was able to control my thoughts and even empower myself with the ability to decide where I was going. But I didn't have love. I didn't believe it. However, now I'm in a relationship and a damn good one. Now, my goals have changed. I find myself dreaming at night, actually dreaming which I haven't done since my years in high school when my biggest goal was to be able to wake up in a dorm room I call home. Now I dream of actually owning a home, calling something mine. I want to settle down and I would personally be okay with the idea of getting married and having kids. (Yes, you read that correctly.) The feminist bachelorette who GAGGED at the idea of being married, and shunned at kids now wants a house and to settle down! I KNOW!
My life isn't the same as it used to be and I've actually dropped having a hectic and busy life for just being a student, just being a sister, and just being a girlfriend/ Still somehow, I haven't been able to keep my life in check, and hah, my sanity's taking a vacation.
Just as I'm starting to finally appreciate a well-deserved relationship, my mom brings in unnecessary drama into my life, making me feel guilty. Yet my boyfriend is still here, and I'm just the one that can't handle it.
I'm trying desperately to make sense of how my career is at a downward spiral (I've retired from singing thanks to
Back in February I met someone I was not expecting to get close to. I was drunk, and miserable (and again, single) yet he saw me at a party, not knowing who I was and made sure I got home safe. Something about that night lead to us going from strangers to acquaintances. I've listened to him, and helped him with his life and he was there for me when everyone else abandoned me. He helped me when I tried to kill myself this year (and nobody else knew except for JJ and him) This guy (unlike those before who've promised friendship and ended up hurting me) has actually called me his best friend before I even said it. Hell, he's the reason I have my boyfriend (mostly because I was too much of a moron to admit that JJ liked me for ages but whatever) Yeah, Manny. I'm talking about you. :P
I bring him up because as of recent, every conversation we have makes me think about how love, life, and sanity don't keep the same company. He gave up everything for a girl, and his life didn't work the way he wanted to but just when he took the plunge to try and chase after new dreams (with a new girlfriend) it fell flat. I hate seeing him kick himself at night, questioning his every decision. At the same time, I see alot of him in myself. To the outside, he doesn't approach people and the fact that he's so misunderstood gives him a bad name yet he's honestly the best person (aside from JJ) I've met in college. I want him to be happy and while he's confined himself to simply accepting the current, does that mean I'm doing the same. When JJ leaves for London, what's going to become of me? Am I going to survive, or am I going to spend my nights crying and balled up under my bed waiting for him?
I guess I've learned now that you can't let your life revolve around one person and you can't spend your days assuming the worst is coming. You have to embrace the beauty of it. Overall, you just have to take a moment and breathe.
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