"I
start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness
is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight
for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel
Today's the first chilly day of November, quite an accomplishment for Texas weather, in my opinion. While there isn't much of an update in terms of weather besides this, I feel like everytime I see myself in the mirror, I age at least a few years more and more. Don't know if it's exactly a good thing but it is worth noting.JJ and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We actually reached the milestone I'd completely feared my entire life. One year always meant serious and permanent, and now knowing that JJ and I have been in a relationship for that long brings me to think that things may be different. Being in a relationship for a year, while seen at first as a suit starched crisp, reeking of assurance and authority now feels like a well fitting sweater I've worn everyday.We've grown so much over the last year; I'm starting to feel like our good times are coming back again. Though not perfect, he is exactly the man I'm glad to have in my life.
My parents are getting a divorce. I've been praying for this moment for over ten years of my life and relished in these moments for what seems like my entire childhood. What I didn't prepare for what what life would be like after the divorce was announced. What I got as a result of this as more than I bargained for. On one hand, I have my stepfather. Cocky and arrogant in his ways, he's certain my mom is going to come back to him, almost to the point of extreme denial. Then I have my mom, who called for the separation, who's overwhelmed, short-tempered, confused and exhausted. Times ten. My bother is stuck in the middle of all of this and in between all three people comes me. I'm trying to be supportive for my mom and sympathetic to my brother as his big sister but let's face it: my life hasn't always been a walk in the park but now, it's just downright confusing for my entire family. All I can really do is sit and wait, which really pisses me off immensely (just to put it nicely.)
Among the news of joy, I was transferred to a new department! I now get my own computer and my own desk in a shiny new part of campus with co-workers I actually really like! Work stress has gone down to zero and I'm pretty psyched about the change of scenery. With my new job has come a new circle of people and an actual sense of privacy that I actually enjoy.
Then comes the thing that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I'm no longer on medication for my anxiety. I've recently begun training for a beauty pageant for JJ's fraternity and I've discovered that I actually like working out, not to mention that the exercise I've been getting has made me feel loads better. Since I've changed my habits, I feel more productive and cautious, and again, a good sense of isolation from the world that allows me to come to my senses.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I still can't help but feel a little isolated. JJ and I live a comfortable life with our dog and he makes me happy but what I miss the most is the companionship of friendship. I don't really have a best friend at the moment, much less a confidante who I lean on. My friends have their own lives and have gone in their own directions. While I appreciate the people in my life, I still feel... empty. There's a void I'm not entirely sure exists.
I've been blogging since 2008. I've had boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, friends and family come and go in my life. I've been alive for 20 years, knowing that there are other circumstances in the world that thankfully God has not placed on me that are far more worse than I could ever understand. I just wish I had a friend who was genuinely going to stick around that doesn't rely on membership, class participation grades, or money to do it. *sigh*
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