"Love means to commit yourself without guarantee."
-Anne Campbell
Summer seems to be sinking in just as easily as the rubber of my shoes seem to melt into the 100 degree pavement. I've had alot on my mind lately and while some is positive revelation, alot of it is just loud white noise I can't seem to sort through. JJ is back in the US, something I've been looking forward to for months but if anything, I'd like to say that my relationship has gotten more difficult than it was when he was in a foreign country. This summer, we were supposed to catch up, pick up for lost time and all the frustrations of having him gone. He came and surprised me for a week, but came without telling his mom so in essence he ran away from home. That got him in a whole bunch of trouble and made me look like a bad influence. So he's been gone for two weeks since that visit, a total of 13 days since I last saw him and 107 came before that of pure distance and absence. I guess the hard part for me is hearing "Where is your boyfriend?" or "You and your boyfriend are welcome to join us; we'd love to meet him!" and having to explain time and time again that as much as we appreciate the thought, he can't make it because he is currently working in another city. I however, will be happily present at your bat mitzvah, graduation, wedding, etc.
I'm trying to be understanding, really I am. He promises me time and time again that things will be better once the fall starts and reminds me we're both working towards our apartment. I know I should be happy. I have a wonderful man, one who loves me with every fiber of his being who has promise. I love him dearly, really I do. I'm just so tired of this situation. I'm growing worn out of having to be the strong one to hold myself together and keep myself happy. It seems like I'm the only one who constantly seems to be struggling with the distance and being alone over and over again and I'm the one constantly having to make sacrifices. Is it so wrong that I want a relationship where everything works out, where our time physically together outweighs the distance we've been apart. I'm getting angry, and bitter. I can't help it anymore.
I'm becoming this person I don't like who is at the mercy of phone calls, text messages, and promises of things getting better. I can't help but notice that with every promise comes a condition, with every condition comes something new I have to swallow and accept because he butters me up with dreams and promises. When do promises become actions? When do sacrifices become rewards?
The week he was here to see me, it was like he never left and our bond became strong again. I had the world and couldn't ask for more. But when we're apart... the connection is broken and I find myself to be this old aged woman who's angry for being left alone to fend for myself. He doesn't get why I'm so angry and I can feel it creating this distance. He doesn't know what to do with me and I hate how I can't give him answers or bring up any of my pain because he only likes me when I'm happy.
I love him but this is becoming draining.
I look in the mirror and along with trying to salvage my relationship, people constantly entering and exiting my life, and my efforts becoming useless. I don't know if anything is worth me touching anymore. Anything and everything I seem to touch turns to crap. With every year, comes the summer after to wrap it up, seek closure and begin again before a new year upon me.
Last year was a year of positive turbulence and memories to boot. This summer seems to be about everything falling apart, people leaving and finding that I am my greatest enemy. Maybe the Myans predicted my downfall after all.
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