Open Arms

Lately, I've been in a Classic Rock mood, particularly songs of love lost and learning life once again.
One of the things I went through this week? Well I almost got back together with my ex. PLEASE don't smack me. I understand how much those of you who know me want to throw the nearest shoe at my head and slap some sense into me. For those of you who have no idea, allow me to explain.
A little over a year ago, my ex and I separated. While we hadn't been together for a considerably long time, I got attached. More attached that I probably should have gotten. After being so guarded, I let someone in, and it turned on me. I haven't been able to forgive myself for a year pretty much and so life has been different. Now I'm in a good place. I started again to move forward because in my head I knew that life wasn't going to wait for me and that one boy doesn't define me. This only came to nag at me yet again when apparently we thought trying things again might give us a new start. Well in the end things didn't fall through and while I'm kind of relieved it didn't, it added alot of things to think about.
I missed having someone to talk to, someone who didn't stress me out and wanted to spend time with me. I mean hell, I love my friends and I'm crazy about life with them by my side. But it's been a long time since I had someone just there for me, you know? I think about the stupid, unrealistic crush I had my senior year in high school and while he was a great guy, I knew it just wasn't going to happen. I'm beyond high school crushes but it kinda doesn't help the quiet nights where I don't have my own person to relate to.
I'm sure college is going to bring someone wonderful and interesting and so worth my time and energy but if there is someone out there then, maybe this world isn't so isolating.
Maybe there is such a thing as love.
But for now that remains to be seen.
Still, I'm releived that for once in a long time, the summer doesn't have a boy who's destined to break my heart. Especially when a year ago, he crushed me to the point of starting over with my own life. Look where I am now. I can't go through that again.
Like I said, it remains to be seen.

Hello Hurricane

I'm no stranger to adversity sometimes nor am I a stranger to odd situations where life throws curveballs and you don't what to do. It's that split second that kind of keeps me going. Sometimes it's welcoming but others it's just insane. This is just one of the things that come with life I suppose. Still, I really don't appreciate when curveballs make you double take and reanalyze your life and everything thus far.
Although I know I'll get into this later, considering this is a revelation I had at the point with many situations this week, I'm exhausted at the moment. It's been a long day.
I'll tell you this much though.
There hasn't been a hurricane yet that's stopped me dead in my tracks.
Hello, hurricane. You're not enough. ♥
I just have to keep going, and remember that.

In My Place

You know sometimes it takes a great deal of questioning to come up with a definite conclusion. While in some cases it can be fulfilling, others just require a great deal of faith. My entire life has basically revolved on faith. Beliefs, dreams, persistence... all of it has required a great deal of faith. In my personal mantra, you have to believe and feel that something is going to happen or else, there's no point in doing anything. I have so much faith in life in fact that sometimes the borders of faith and affirmation blur together. Call it wishful thinking but once I set my mind to something and believe I can make it happen and wish for it to happen and hold faith in fate and higher powers, faith and a single concept of an idea become fact.
My favorite band (Switchfoot) has a song called "Ode to Chin" and my favorite lyric (which happens to be my personal motto) is "doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs". But why do I bring up faith, you may ask? While it drives my friends insane, I believe there is no such thing as true love and I believe it with a passion. For years, my friends and family has known me to ironically be the one with faith in the world and the belief that nothing is impossible, yet the biggest cynic of love and romance. I am simultaneously an optimist and also a pessimist. I firmly believe I am unlikely to get married and seriously have no consideration in having children. Of course that doesn't mean I curse every married couple or happy relationship. I don't spat at children or degrade people who have children. I just don't believe that personally  it exists or even applies. I have not been given a concrete reason to believe in romance. I bring this up particularly because of the present situation. Most of my friends are in happy relationships or aspiring for things of that nature. I went to a party yesterday and made the keen observation that aside from one other person besides me, everyone was in a relationship and the lovey doveyness in the air made me want to puke. I left early but still, to not be in school or not have anything to do makes me susceptible to these observations. Because of the things I've had to deal with in my attempts at relationships or romance (particularly horribly failed relationships and a book in progress about the worst one)
Maybe this serious belief is what's keeping me up at night... all I know is that 1) The sappy lovey-ness is a bit nauseating and 2) I just hope I don't get yelled at for my faith in this particlar subject.

Strange And Beautiful

Last night, I had a bit of a minor revelation. Then again, nighttime tends to bring out these sides of me I don't recognize.
I stay up alot of the night, usually unable to sleep because I think about too many things. During the day, I get to see and experience alot of things. But at night, the naked truth of realities, insecurities, and my bare thoughts come to me, in full waves usually in an overwhelming wave. No matter how hard I try, my mind drives me to think of pretty much everything at night.
Lately I've been thinking of alot of things, particularly, my future, and life in the next year or so. It's surreal to me that life can be so amazing and beautiful yet whether I like to admit it or not, it took a broken heart to see these things. If I hadn't gotten hurt the way I did, I wouldn't have written and analyzed my life in retrospect. I wouldn't have taken the risks I did in the past year. I wouldn't have even applied to the Missouri. It's a delicate balance when you think about it. And with all this thought about the future, I can't forget the past, specifically someone in it. Let's just say late night conversations aren't helpful, as I've realized.
It's kind of like an Aqualung song, isn't it?
Maybe that's just me.
But life is a delicate thread of nature. Sometimes it glistens, sometimes it catches things and keeps you from moving but you can't deny that when it all comes down to it, life is the most simple kind of beautiful there is. And no matter what it takes anyone to realize that, the experience is worth it.

You and I both

Yesterday I went to yet another summer shenanigan in the form of my friend Alex's birthday party (Alex is a girl, not a guy. Just for the record. lol)
My friends and I all got together for a serious Rock Band marathon, courtesy of Juan's decked out library that spans from Michael Jackson's ABC to Lady Gaga's Poker Face. (:
I couldn't help but just enjoy the atmosphere of being surrounded by friends and feeling so cozy with all the people around me, laughing, singing along, sharing jokes and having a good time. I've begun to wonder, where have I been and how could I have missed it? Where have I been? And even so, what's gonna happen when I leave?
Most of the night, we broke out in music in Alex's living room and I sat the night away with Juan and Steph by my side with either Juan or Steph rocking out on drums. Between the nun jokes and discussing Steph's Betsey Necklace, the three of us is a great combo to have. And the possibility of having all my friends together is only getting closer.
My friend Erick is possibly considering coming to visit me for a while to get away from home and I just invited Angel, my best friend to come along too. Since they live 2 hours away from me, this would only be the missing part of my summer!
Now to figure out my loans and everything else for college..

^ Me, Juan, and Steph(:                                                                                     ^ Me and Angel(:

Against The Voices

After taking a week off from my high school graduation, today I got my ass out of bed and applied for a job. Of course, while it sounds like an easy task, I've been sleeping in horribly so this was pretty difficult to do. Oddly enough, just when I get up before noon, everyone else sleeps in. X[
So I've entered the workforce and applied for a job, what's next?
Hopefully, some steady work and good times with friends. I hope. Lately its been me falling asleep on the phone with someone I definitely shouldn't be on the phone with. But he's the only one who's awake at that hour who can stand me so I suppose until I find a fellow insomniac, it's gonna be a while.
I want to see different places, meet new people and not drain into oblivion before I leave for college. I need to get my mind off of things. Is it possible to ask for such a thing?
In better news, my friends seem to be having a blast. Angel and Erick got back from New York. Angel said he saw Tim Gunn from Project Runway. I almost slapped him becase 1) He didn't call me and 2) Someone had to explain to him who he was. Ugh, he's my best friend of 14 years and I love him to tears but really? Who doesn't know of his ability to make it work? (:
ily bff in case you're reading. haha ♥
And the two people who are making my summer are Juan and Steph. I mean, I've known Steph since we were kids and so she moved to town for the summer and already we've had more hangout time this week than in the past 8 years. And to have something to do in this small town with awesome people is only the first sign of summer. A bit early to think about summer? Maybe. But what can I say? I only have a little time before its goodbye Texas and Hello Missouri (:

Runaway Car

So it's an end to an era...
My iPod has disappeared and although I have suspicions on who got it, I know its not coming back. That iPod had thousands of songs, and tons of memories and so much personal sentiment. Aside from the podcasts and my perfect Scrabble record of 130 undefeated games against the computer (yes I'm a word freak), it's so much more than that.
As some who have read my previous blog, The Dumpee Diaries, music was a heavy part of my life and always has been. This iPod in particular helped me make it through the last 2 years of my life, in and out of a breakup. Although just an object, my iPod was personal and a piece of me that I became very attatched to. Could you imagine Carrie Bradshaw without her MacBook? Or Ash Ketchum without his cap? Or Sue Sylvester without her track suits? You get my point but it's kind of hard to not have it with me.
So I've begun my hunt for a new replacement for an old friend. As it turns out, I need to buy an iPod touch for school. There's some kind of requirement for a wireless media device for Journalism majors at Missouri so it was inevitible. But $195 for an iPod touch? :O
Augh, I miss my babyyyy :<
There went my soundtrack for the summer but even so, it opened up the potential to create the ultimate summer soundtrack as well as start clean. What's with so many clean beginnings? At any cost, I have to start job hunting for some cash not just for that but other things for this summer. And even so, with all this freedom, it seems strange not to have any objective.
I'll tell you this much folks. Don't shake the past off just yet in your new future. It has a way of coming to snap at you. And how do I know this? Try the phone call I had last night I had with a stranger who didn't show up to my high school graduation and the Mat Kearney song that reflects it...

"With the whole world upside down.."

The first few days of my summer have been exciting and interesting all the same. Aside from being eaten alive from mosquitos Godzilla-like in size, I've spent the first week surrounded by friends at after parties grad parties and shooting the breeze at my house. Now once that's all said and done, it's clear I'm not used to being out so much.
And so it seems like summer, even in it's lazy stereotype of blissful peace and quiet has turned into chaos in my favor. I don't mind though. I'm all up for it.
But somehow it's crazy how life has become so... upside down.
Angel and Erick, two of my best friends are in New York with Choir, and I hope they come home soon.
My local best friend Juan, is of course prepping for a jam session and probably talking to Steph, my blast from the past friend who's already become a huge part of my summer after knowing each other for years yet being separated by miles.
And yet
 In midst of the people who are a part of my life the most surreal of things came into my life. After letting go the old and moving forward with the new, something came in the mail for me today. It was a card, in the form of a graduation gift from none other than my ex's family.
He always does know how to get me thinking doesn't he?
At least now I hold the control to pick the world right side up and get going, right?

Don't Stop Believin'

Usually when something new comes up, I'm not exactly the most agreeable with it. From experience the new tends to bring with it new complications along with some new lessons in life. Even so, this is a new beginning that I'm looking forward to.

Hello world once again, my name is Jen. No more, no less.
I'm a recent graduate of the Class of 2010, and an incoming Freshman part of the University of Missouri's Class of 2014!
For the last few years of my life, almost everything's been planned, scheduled and pretty much organized. But given, for the most part of my life, I've assumed the role of responsibility. Everything has come to ups and downs with the main goal of getting myself out of the small town I call home.
Here I am, diploma in tow and free from everything.  What's next? Who knows and that is the most liberating part of the rest of my life. The fact that the rest of my life is an unknown possibility of potential is something I've been looking forward to and now is my time to embrace it. Through this blog I plan to write as I have done for years about my life, chronicling my ups and downs along the way, never forgetting the lessons I've learned in my past and looking to some music and how everything is just so.
A new beginning never looked so optimistic if I do say so myself, so hopefully this is a sign of a great start and quite possibly the beginning chapter of me and my life. To those of you who know me well, welcome back. (: For those of you who are just meeting me for the first time, welcome to my journey and I'm glad to have you along for the ride.
Here's to the rest of our lives and the unknown to which it holds. :D