"Next To Me"

If anyone is still with me, Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, it goes without saying that I've been withholding information. And by that, I mean, suppressing my blogging to the point where I've practically stopped blogging. This has to stop. For my sake, and for yours, I'm just gonna spit it out.

 Life, as far as I'm concerned, has an uncanny way of throwing the most difficult circumstances at you. In my case at this very moment, the most difficult circumstance on my plate is an unknown force. I think I may possibly be going through chronic depression, or as one doctor pinpointed, possibly Bipolar Disorder Type 2.

I have become a recluse. So much, in fact, that I haven't spoken to relatively anyone in my life.
So here goes nothing.
I haven't spoken to anyone because I'm furious. I'm depressed and furious. Last time I recall feeling this down about anything, was my Dumpee Diaries period, circa Spring 2009-Spring 2010. But back then I was just mopey. Now, I feel mopey and apathetic. I have massive issues getting out of bed in the morning to the point where if it were up to me, I'd stay under the covers- raccoon eyes and all. I drag through my day, not particularly excited about anything. And hell- I can cry through massive amounts of tissue, for no apparent reason at all. What makes this different is that in spite of feeling mopey and apathetic, when I do get feelings, they're feelings of anger.
I see people who make it very obvious that they're ignoring me and I don't exist. I see Facebook statuses, feel awkward silences, blatant stares and people who are going out of their way to make me feel as if I am non existent. It seems like no matter where I go, I can't escape it either. School, work, home... nowhere is safe.
Not too long ago, someone broke into our apartment. They didn't steal anything but they sure as hell rammed in our door, messing up our deadbolt and scaring our dog. Three days later, they keyed JJ's truck extensively and attempted to slash one of his tires. So not only does someone not like me, but they're going through extensive lengths to make this point perfectly clear to me.
Every time I see someone walk past making a face in disgust or completely ignoring me, I resist the urge to yell out "HELLO, I EXIST!" at the top of my lungs or let out a sarcastic "Nice to know my presence bothers you" as they walk past but no. I hold it in. I say all of this mentally and let them go on with their ignorance. In high school, when I was at my softest point, I would have taken this personally and gotten morally offended and/or sad that people weren't talking to me. Now it just irks me because the entire thing feels so immature. And more so, because I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does.
You know, in spite of all my issues eating me up alive for the most part, I'm starting to feel this burning underlying. The burning of wanting to get up an live. I find myself to be highly unsatisfied with letting life pass me by at this point. My main question is, what's next after this?
I've basically burned myself to the ground and I'm at square one just with more knowledge. I guess this year is all about starting from scratch again.
Starting with this blog that badly needs attention again.

"Being Good Isn't Good Enough"

 

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

- Mother Teresa 

Another day, another opportunity. Finals are coming up and for the first time in 3 years, I'm thoroughly spooked by my finals this semester. I've been doing really well this Fall but my final grades are at the mercy of my exams. Either I need an A on my exam to keep an A in the class or I have a B that can be pushed up to an A with an excellent final exam score. All in all, I'm incredibly proud of myself academically. I wish I could say the same thing about everything else.
Mom's already settled into her new apartment and (THANKFULLY!) my little brother loves his new school and has made friends. JJ and I visit her semi often. She's still confused and frustrated but at least now I can handle being there to support her.
JJ got a new job, and training is in the mornings for the next couple of weeks. Now I have to wake up alone but if we want to be honest here, it's become hard to get out of bed again. I feel pathetic thinking that the only reason I used to wake up and have a productive morning was him. Now, a cup of coffee or finding my keys in somewhere that's not my refrigerator before I'm late to work is as productive as it gets. Maybe it's finals and studying that has me in a bunch but I'm trying to remain at least focused on a couple of things.
For starters, Finals have me in a rut. But most of what gets me in a rut is this feeling of loneliness that I've had for the last couple of weeks. I've been trying to to talk to people, but it all goes back to the same thing. I feel like I'm pandering. It's almost unreasonable. I find comfort in living a private life where I keep to myself and don't partake in appearances. But then I think of how much I miss the company of a human being. I think of Mark, of the countless others who I've looked to for friendship and have drifted apart. I don't think I can handle the promise of friendship anymore but how I long for it. This will be a desire I'll have to put on hold.
This Winter Break I will be working 3 jobs. Normally, I would question my own sanity at that as well, especially since I'm barely beginning to regain control of my stress habits. But I have a goal working so much: I'm looking to treat myself to a week-long vacation. No Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, e-mail, anything.  For my Spring Break (and impending 21st birthday) I am hoping to spend the entire week in Las Vegas. As of now, I'm planning this trip alone but I'm open to spending it with friends.
The reason I'm planning this trip alone is because (as I've blogged about it for the last three years) my birthdays tend to suck. The degree of how terrible they are vary on the year but for the most part, Valentine's Day is better to me than my birthday (and I HATE Valentine's Day, FYI) Most of it, has to do with the fact that it lands on Spring Break. Who wants to party with me when everyone wants to party somewhere else that is considerably less lame? All sarcasm aside, I deserve a birthday where I at least have elements of old glamour, excitement, scenery and beauty without college co-eds in varied states of drunkenness. In the prospect of an actual vacation, I've become focused on planning the ideal trip.
Becoming a workaholic once again to cope with things doesn't seem so difficult, now does it.?

"I Don't Want to Live on The Moon"

"I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."

-Elizabeth Wurtzel

Today's the first chilly day of November, quite an accomplishment for Texas weather, in my opinion. While there isn't much of an update in terms of weather besides this, I feel like everytime I see myself in the mirror, I age at least a few years more and more. Don't know if it's exactly a good thing but it is worth noting.

JJ and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We actually reached the milestone I'd completely feared my entire life. One year always meant serious and permanent, and now knowing that JJ and I have been in a relationship for that long brings me to think that things may be different. Being in a relationship for a year, while seen at first as a suit starched crisp, reeking of assurance and authority now feels like a well fitting sweater I've worn everyday.We've grown so much over the last year; I'm starting to feel like our good times are coming back again. Though not perfect, he is exactly the man I'm glad to have in my life.

My parents are getting a divorce. I've been praying for this moment for over ten years of my life and relished in these moments for what seems like my entire childhood. What I didn't prepare for what what life would be like after the divorce was announced. What I got as a result of this as more than I bargained for. On one hand, I have my stepfather. Cocky and arrogant in his ways, he's certain my mom is going to come back to him, almost to the point of extreme denial. Then I have my mom, who called for the separation, who's overwhelmed, short-tempered, confused and exhausted. Times ten. My bother is stuck in the middle of all of this and in between all three people comes me. I'm trying to be supportive for my mom and sympathetic to my brother as his big sister but let's face it: my life hasn't always been a walk in the park but now, it's just downright confusing for my entire family. All I can really do is sit and wait, which really pisses me off immensely (just to put it nicely.)

Among the news of joy, I was transferred to a new department! I now get my own computer and my own desk in a shiny new part of campus with co-workers I actually really like! Work stress has gone down to zero and I'm pretty psyched about the change of scenery. With my new job has come a new circle of people and an actual sense of privacy that I actually enjoy.

Then comes the thing that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I'm no longer on medication for my anxiety. I've recently begun training for a beauty pageant for JJ's fraternity and I've discovered that I actually like working out, not to mention that the exercise I've been getting has made me feel loads better. Since I've changed my habits, I feel more productive and cautious, and again, a good sense of isolation from the world that allows me to come to my senses.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I still can't help but feel a little isolated. JJ and I live a comfortable life with our dog and he makes me happy but what I miss the most is the companionship of friendship. I don't really have a best friend at the moment, much less a confidante who I lean on. My friends have their own lives and have gone in their own directions. While I appreciate the people in my life, I still feel... empty. There's a void I'm not entirely sure exists.
I've been blogging since 2008. I've had boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, friends and family come and go in my life. I've been alive for 20 years, knowing that there are other circumstances in the world that thankfully God has not placed on me that are far more worse than I could ever understand. I just wish I had a friend who was genuinely going to stick around that doesn't rely on membership, class participation grades, or money to do it. *sigh*

"It's Time"

Sometimes, it seems like life wants to throw things at you that you can't exactly comprehend. Death. Marriage. A new baby. Love lost or love found. Money come and gone. Life has a nack for keeping you off balance when it seems like all you want is to stay grounded and centered. Maybe that's just me but all I've ever seemed to want is for my feet to stay firmly on the ground. This week, I've started to realize that's not always the best thing to wish for.This Fall semester has brought something new that I'm not used to, but something very much welcomed in my life: routine.
But then there comes a new level of uncertainty that I'm trying to deal with. Right now I'm coming to terms with the fact that the universe will only bend so much for me. I'd love to think I'm in control of my own life, but I'm not. Fate is in control of my life and I just have to accept that. I've hit highs and I've hit lows, more in the last three weeks than some people hit in their entire lives. And so this comes with the territory of what I'm dealing with. But I wonder sometimes. Does realizing that life is all up to fate and chance mean that you become more empowered or does that give you a right to feel weak?
I feel weak sometimes, an emotion further reenforced by the fact that right now, the only constant I have in my life is JJ (who I admit, is a constant I have yet allowed myself to trust in because I'm scared he's going to leave again or realize that I'm not worth sticking around for) If I've given in to knowing that there is no such thing as certainty, why do I feel so uncertain at that statement?