"Being Good Isn't Good Enough"

 

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

- Mother Teresa 

Another day, another opportunity. Finals are coming up and for the first time in 3 years, I'm thoroughly spooked by my finals this semester. I've been doing really well this Fall but my final grades are at the mercy of my exams. Either I need an A on my exam to keep an A in the class or I have a B that can be pushed up to an A with an excellent final exam score. All in all, I'm incredibly proud of myself academically. I wish I could say the same thing about everything else.
Mom's already settled into her new apartment and (THANKFULLY!) my little brother loves his new school and has made friends. JJ and I visit her semi often. She's still confused and frustrated but at least now I can handle being there to support her.
JJ got a new job, and training is in the mornings for the next couple of weeks. Now I have to wake up alone but if we want to be honest here, it's become hard to get out of bed again. I feel pathetic thinking that the only reason I used to wake up and have a productive morning was him. Now, a cup of coffee or finding my keys in somewhere that's not my refrigerator before I'm late to work is as productive as it gets. Maybe it's finals and studying that has me in a bunch but I'm trying to remain at least focused on a couple of things.
For starters, Finals have me in a rut. But most of what gets me in a rut is this feeling of loneliness that I've had for the last couple of weeks. I've been trying to to talk to people, but it all goes back to the same thing. I feel like I'm pandering. It's almost unreasonable. I find comfort in living a private life where I keep to myself and don't partake in appearances. But then I think of how much I miss the company of a human being. I think of Mark, of the countless others who I've looked to for friendship and have drifted apart. I don't think I can handle the promise of friendship anymore but how I long for it. This will be a desire I'll have to put on hold.
This Winter Break I will be working 3 jobs. Normally, I would question my own sanity at that as well, especially since I'm barely beginning to regain control of my stress habits. But I have a goal working so much: I'm looking to treat myself to a week-long vacation. No Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, e-mail, anything.  For my Spring Break (and impending 21st birthday) I am hoping to spend the entire week in Las Vegas. As of now, I'm planning this trip alone but I'm open to spending it with friends.
The reason I'm planning this trip alone is because (as I've blogged about it for the last three years) my birthdays tend to suck. The degree of how terrible they are vary on the year but for the most part, Valentine's Day is better to me than my birthday (and I HATE Valentine's Day, FYI) Most of it, has to do with the fact that it lands on Spring Break. Who wants to party with me when everyone wants to party somewhere else that is considerably less lame? All sarcasm aside, I deserve a birthday where I at least have elements of old glamour, excitement, scenery and beauty without college co-eds in varied states of drunkenness. In the prospect of an actual vacation, I've become focused on planning the ideal trip.
Becoming a workaholic once again to cope with things doesn't seem so difficult, now does it.?