"This is Your Life"

"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." 

-Rabindranath Tagore

It's time to pick myself up.
This past weekend I hit a horrible emotional crash, one that made me question everything and I'll admit it was really numbing in terms of my perception of life and whatnot.  Never have I felt so personally defeated or doubtful of myself. It was contradictory  of everything I've accomplished. It was definitely something I couldn't bask in.
It is time I get out from under the covers and get going.
Which is what I did. I woke up today and didn't waste any time. No more feet dragging, no more dreading the day ahead or questioning my dreams and affirmations. Just makeup, coffee, checking the weather and out the door. To come so far and and suddenly stop for a bout of insecurity would not only be hypocritical but pointless. Forget Joe DiMaggio, forget the forces and conspirators fighting for me to fail and trying to push me into a current against me... forget all that.
I'm a flawed human being but in spite of that, I've overcome obstacles and adversity before and my flaws only make me stronger. Who cares what everyone says and what inner demons I have. There's work to be done and I can't stop now.
This is my life. It's time I grab it by the reins again.

"Dreams Be Dreams"

"Onstage, there's no hiding; you either can or can't act. There's no second take."

-Anna Friel

Well, I spent the whole weekend hidden underneath my blankets, asleep and maybe going through a bit of some personal revelations.

After sleeping through the entire day today, it's time to get back on the horse and start living life again. The world isn't going stop for me.
I would've sworn though that somewhere in the middle of all my sleeping and dreaming, that Joe DiMaggio was next to me the entire time. But of course I know that's not true.
Now on to the rest of my life. Enough hiding under the covers. It's the end of January and I just realized.
...
Valentine's Day is coming up.
Oh shit.
Back under the covers I go, to enjoy the last few days of January.

"Ten Years Older"

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself."

-Andre Gide

I'll admit that last night wasn't my brightest of moments.
Rather, it was one of my darkest. As of recent, I've been having alot of issues with the idea that after so many years, I just might be getting tired and worn out from being strong and holding myself up.
To those who don't know me, allow me to explain.
When my parents got divorced all those years ago, I tried to make my mother proud. I did what I could to be the best so she could see that her sacrifices weren't going to waste. She worked all the time and while I used to think it meant she didn't love me, I don't hold it against her. But it meant that I was alone most of the time. Sure, I was taken care of, but I didn't meet kids until I got to preschool. From early on, the little adult mindset was already in place.
As I got older, kids started be coming cruel. I coped by reading. I owe so much of my childhood to Harry  Potter because it saved me. But I still had to listen to all the things kids had to say. So I did.
When my mom remarried and moved me away from home "for the better", I got used to taking care of myself. No one at school talked to me or really liked me for that matter. My mom wasn't listening and home became a strange place where I didn't belong. Between a new brother and a marriage that was rocky, my bullying issues weren't the concern. I had to grow up on my own because honestly, no one was listening.
After every broken heart, every personal disappointment, every mean word and cruel prank, and every setback, I've had to dust myself off and remind myself to hold on because the truth of the matter is, from the age of 6 to now, I've had to learn to be emotionally independent.

It's ironic because I've been the support system for countless people, given so many tokens of wisdom and advice and cheered others on. I've inspired so many of my friends to keep moving forward and not care what anyone thinks. I've given so much efforts to relationships and friendships in hopes that just maybe... finally, this will be the one time someone gives as much as I do.



And it never is because I always end up being not enough for someone or being the wrong person. I don't regret being a good friend at all. As a matter of fact, if there's anything I've learned is that it takes a coward to be two-faced but someone loyal and honest is hard to find. I will never regret being a good friend or a good girlfriend because I know that I did all I could.
I'm just getting worn out by quiet nights where I really realize how much I'm alone and broken and smacked with the realization that for once, I'd like to be held and told it's okay to be flawed. I want to be told that I can stop being so strong and just rest for once. I wish I could be the one that's taken care of, have my tears reserved for joy instead of heartbreak.
I envy those people who get sticky notes on their doors that say "Just stopped by to say hi(:"
I feel a little hollow when I go ice skating and I see couples holding hands and hanging on to each other in front of me as I try to keep myself going.
Secretly, I hope someone texts me during the day to see how I'm doing instead of the other way around.
When does it stop, and when do I get to rest?
If everyone finds their Happily Ever After and peace of mind, why haven't I found mine?

"Marching On"

"Can anyone remember love? It's like trying to summon up the smell of roses in a cellar. You might see a rose, but never the perfume."

-Arthur Miller

Today was my first calm weekend in a long time. I got an A on my first quiz in History, I hung out with Sergio (after not seeing him for ages) and went to a hockey game with my aunt and her family. One of my uncle's friends got us into the elite suite at the top of the arena and it was a great view but it was an awful loss for the team. At any cost, my cousin and I went ice skating afterward
It's been ages since I've gotten on the ice but it wasn't long before I noticed a little girl trying to skate alone with her father right behind her. While she kept falling, she picked herself right back up and her father didn't stray too much. I couldn't help but help her get up and give her a piece of advice. "Stand up straight, glide with the ice and even if you fall, get back up and you'll be okay."
While I made my laps around the ice, she got much better and her dad seemed to appreciate that she wasn't falling so much.
When I got back inside, I saw the little girl who waved at me and her dad, along with his wife and siblings were there. I couldn't help but look at them and see so many things that fit this setting, even as a stranger and onlooker. This fit them perfectly yet simultaneously, these were things that would never make sense in my own life.
No father figure to catch me or care if I hit the ice. No perfect unit of family, no sense of relationship or even a complete understanding of marriage, having never seen anything remotely close to perfect. I don't even remember a time where I wasn't forced in some way or another to see things from the perspective of someone older than myself instead of the child I was supposed to be.
Then I saw David put on his Facebook status that he just purchased his first pair of Converse. Quite insignificant if you think about it but a distant voice in the back of my head, one that's cynical and sarcastic and ironic couldn't help but say, "Oh, so now he dares to walk in your shoes?"
I immediately shook it off. It's only a pair of shoes. Though I've worn them for almost a decade, I'm sure millions of other people wear them. I can't take it personally.
I can't take anything personally.
In times of trial, isolation, personal frustration within myself and with the world around me, the least I can do is march forward.
"Stand up straight, glide with the ice and even if you fall, get back up and you'll be okay."

"There Are Worse Things I Could Do"

"A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside."

-Denis Waitley

So maybe things at best are exhausting right but that being said, I suppose I should have seen this coming.
Right now, I'm experiencing a mild lack of faith in people. No one in specific, just overall.
A potential relationship that I really hoped for, didn't work out. I was expecting that. And while he's used the "It's not you- It's me" excuse, I know all too well. Usually it's me and I've heard this so many times. Still, there's more.

My mom and I are pretty much at each others throats. This is the understatement of the year. We haven't spoken in days. It's lovely to know that she thinks my troubles are my fault.

I'm due to get cut off completely any day now.

I'm scary broke right now, and as always, I have to be the one to figure things out and deal with it myself. I mean, it's called being an adult for a reason and this is part of being an adult is a clear reminder of responsibility. However, I can't help but feel like part of it is my fault. Like Murphy's Law and I have some kind of arrangement that's been around since birth.
But still, I suppose the worst thing I could let happen is cave in and admit that just maybe, I'm tired of being strong.
But that's not gonna happen.
That's the worst thing I could do.

"The Best Soy Latte You ever Had..."

Starbucks Revival - (n.) star.bux re.vy.vul  Origin: 2011

-A slang phrase created by a particularly exhausted college student in her first semester of Music Major coursework to describe the need of caffeine (particularly Starbucks Coffee to go back to the alert state that came about in the Fall semester.

-A sudden jolt of coffee required to bring aforementioned college student back to "life" for class in a method similar to electrocution, Sock therapy, or a defibrillator in medical emergencies.

Example: 

"I am going to need a Starbucks revival this semester, especially with Dr. Blackwell, Voice Classes and a semester that started WAY too early."

Coffee preferred for Starbucks Revivals: Starbucks, obviously but preferably, and espresso, with a shot of peppermint, 2% milk, lots of sugar, Cinnamon and powdered chocolate sprinkled in. Or a latte with the same ingredients added, grande with a double shot. 

Clearly folks, this has become a habit.
I promise, I'll write after my 4th cup of coffee. I'm on my 3rd today...

"Her confidence is Tragic but her Intuition Magic"

"You start chasing a ball and your brain immediately commands your body to 'Run forward, bend, scoop up the ball, peg it to the infield,' then your body says, 'Who me?'"

-Joe DiMaggio

Hello strangers...
Sorry I have practically ignored you for the better part of two weeks. But things have come up, and by things I mean:

-Taking off for Dallas, Texas to audition for The Glee Project and taking part in the road trip from Hell
-Leave my laptop behind so Juan, my best friend and computer whiz extraordinaire could fix my laptop. Mission accomplished! (but I still can't figure out my printer. :/)
-Surviving said road trip in once piece and packing up almost immediately for college.
-The most, romantic, surprising, adorable and simultaneous awkward thing to happen to me ever.

If you have any questions about what happened where, I'd be glad to answer but for now, let me just cut to the chase: the present.
Today I was literally so exhausted, I had to have a Starbucks revival at 4 PM, had to scream in the hallway of the building before a staff meeting to clear the nargles (Yes, people Nargles. My mind was that kaput) and de-stress with a self-heating Spa mask and turn of my lights to try and rest. All which didn't work very well because I later got a call from a very pissed, furious and almost conspiring to murder very angry parent of mine stressing how much college costs and how I can't just get $400 out of thin air for books and how I should have thought of this sooner to get a loan and... I cracked.
What I can tell you is that on the first day I arrived back to college, I discovered that the guy who I've been flip flopping back and forth all my Fall Semester between Gay or Straight ( Thus the many references to "There! Right There!" from Legally Blonde The Musical) is in fact NOT gay. I can also tell you that I am not in a relationship and am still %10000 single. I attempted. He was interested. He has issues. So do I. It wasn't going to work and we agreed on it spot on. The reason I mentioned this is because at the very moment I cracked, I realized there was no one I could call that would immediately call that was going to rush to my side or at least stay on the phone with me while I cried and vented and gave me emotional security.
Hell, after 2 years, I've somewhat forgotten what emotional security is.
I'm much better now but it's just this concept of this semester that's stressing me out. I started my music courses. I have a hefty courseload. I haven't seen much of Mark (and Juan is in love, so forget bringing him down with my glum parade)
I know this is just a phase and maybe I'll figure it out but... is it too much to ask to know that something won't work out but seriously and deeply hope it does, and hope everyone else follows along?
Is it twisted to after all this time, miss Joe DiMaggio?
He's not sending flowers but at least he's not Arthur Miller. Arthur Miller and I have settled things once and for all. It's Joe I have issues with...

"Baby Come Back"

Hey everyone!

I'm alive, I promise!

 

See? There I am. :)

Sorry I haven't updated in what has turned into almost 3 weeks but I've had LOTS of stuff going on like
-Auditioning for Glee in Dallas!!
-The Road Trip from Hell
-Romance (yes, you read that right)
-The start of the Spring Semester
and TOOOONS more. Clearly, things seem to get more and more twisted sometimes but I promise, I'll update you soon once this first week of classes settles down.

For now, here's a pic of Darren Criss, my horribly obvious mildly subdued crush from Glee who showed up to the auditions in Dallas. (And if you're asking, YES, I almost did pass out and scream like a little girl for 20 minutes. 

Enjoy!

'Send Me On My Way"

"Hope is a waking dream."

-Aristotle

Hello, world.
My name is Jen. No more, no less.
I wear Converse on my feet, am a first year sophomore in college and really don't like the color orange.
I'm single, not ashamed of it. My iPod is my source for instant sanity. I have a fish named Foreman.

Why do I mention all of this now?
Because today I write from the perspective that I know tomorrow is going to change my life. Tomorrow I'm going on a very important road trip. Tomorrow sets my path in terms of my career. It's an opportunity that I would have never taken if things in my life didn't align to the way they've aligned now.
Within the next 24 hours, I will be on the road to Dallas for the biggest audition I'm going to thus far. I'm auditioning for a role on Glee with my friends Victor and Sonia.
Am I nervous? Yes. Am I ready? Definitely. Am I scared? Doubtful? Determined? Yes, Yes and Oh, hell yeah. I'm not sure at all what to expect. I know this much. After everything I've been through, it all comes down to this.
All my stolen moments in my closet writing lyrics at 3 AM, all my hours listening to my iPod trying to forget the day, every single last tweet from those trying to bring me down, all my rehearsals, wishes, and deep convicitons about life... it all leads down to what I make it and will always serve as a reminder of how much I love what I'm doing. Even if I don't get the role, just knowing I have the guts to chase after something even when everyone told me otherwise will be its own personal form of satisfaction.
My bags are packed.
My iPod's all set.
My nerves have transformed themselves into massive butterflies.
There's a storm coming... and for once it's my own.
You can't silence my love.... ♥

"I've been watching the skies.

 They've been turning blood red.

 Not a doubt in my mind anymore.

There's a storm up ahead...

Hello hurricane. You're not enough.

Hello Hurricane. You can't silence my love.

I've got doors and window boarded up.

All your dead end fury's not enough.

You can't silence my love."

Oh! Gravity.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are"

-Theodore Roosevelt

Usually, my email is quite the jungle. I've had the same email address since July 2005 and contrary to most people I know who get an email that age and have something really dorky that once upon a time may have been cool, my email's always been representative of me and who I am. But after having the same address for so long, I never know what to expect in my inbox. When I first got an email, I was 13 and none of my friends had one so I signed up for a few newsletters and they started sending but over the span of a few years they stopped. I am now receiving a wild revival of my daily Tarot Card Readings from the 7th grade. And then of course, every once in a while I receive email alerts like this:



And the funny thing is, it was a real email! lol It was actually some info I requested for a Christmas present I was going to buy a friend and they never got back to me. lol

All joking aside, it's safe to say I don't know what is stored away in my email but this is something I definitely didn't expect to find. I woke up and from my 6 unopened emails and say that it jumped to 21. Even with my massive clutter, I've never gotten that many in a few hours so sure enough I looked and discovered they were all follow requests to the blog networking site Bloggers.com and way towards the botttom of the screen I discovered why I had so many follow requests.(it's a thumbnail so click it for a full sized view)



I was absolutely floored! While I don't check Bloggers much, I in my 5 years of blogging, have never gotten recognized for it, much less had readers outside my close circle of friends. And so I am the Editor's Pick of the day, which brings a whole bunch of traffic to my site and I couldn't be more excited to have this type of recognition. For those of you who are discovering my blog through Bloggers, Welcome! I hope you enjoy what you're reading and for those of you who want to see, this is what it looks like. :) I'm the one at the bottom of the page. :) (again, it's a thumbnail)





"Resolution"

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress."

-Bruce Barton

Hello everyone. Happy 2011, folks :)

What you see above you is none other than my very own promise ring, fresh from the post office sent from Hong Kong, China. I was pretty nervous about when it would arrive and sure enough today it came in an envelop with a whole bunch of air mail stickers and a Chinese inspection slip. The package was really cool and I intend on holding onto it. And so, it's official. I took off my class ring from my left hand and put it back into my jewelry box to be left behind when I go back to school in two weeks. I put this new ring on my right hand, where it will stay and hopefully remind me of the good I deserve.

In the first three days of the year, I've already been hit with a few doozies. On the very first day of 2011, I spent it on the most fun I've ever had in my hometown when Mark and Sergio came to visit me. When they first drove in (in Sergio's very bad ass looking car, if I may say so myself) I was almost shocked and enveloped in surrealness. My present and past collided and hell was it a shock for me.

I was definitely right. I missed Mark and Sergio very much. They greeted me with incredible hugs and ( much to my dismay) a Christmas present from Sergio.

I tried so hard to figure out what to buy him and honestly I came up kind of short handed. I bought some wish bracelets from Etsy but I knew that kind of sucked so to make up for it, I spent most of New Year's eve, slaving away with a frosting spatula in my hand and doing what I do best: baking.

Baking is a secret talent of mine and I don't bake for just anyone. I take the mixing of ingredients very seriously and am known to improvise recipes and add select ingredients to make my stuff taste great. Though Duncan Hines and I have an exclusive relationship, I can make instant mixes taste so much better. So I decided to take my culinary aspirations further. I baked a whopping 3 batches of brownies, two of them were of the gourmet variety, something I had never attempted to try thus far. So I measured and tinkered and fussed and burned a few fingers and had a run-in with my stepdad who attempted to eat some of Sergio's brownies (which is why I made a 3rd batch, so the family wouldn't get the nibbles) and came out with 2 gourmet brownie sampler batches. I did a marble swirl batch infused with cream cheese and dark chocolate and a Ghiradelli's (hope I spelled that right) double chocolate semi-sweet brownie. All that was left was to decorate and frost: two of my biggest weaknesses in baking and I took an incredibly big risk. I made my own frosting. From scratch. I looked up a recipe online and my rule is follow the recipe the first time then improvise every time after to compare. I broke that rule too when I discovered I was out of vanilla extract. So I used almond instead. And it was a disaster... that worked!

So I spread this awesome cream cheese frosting (infused with almond of all things) and decorated it with hundreds of mini sugar pearls.

Yeah, I'm that good. haha

Of course, while it's the most decadent thing I've ever made I was terrified that Sergio wouldn't like it. Sergio is, like me a chocoholic but that being said, he loves the good stuff and so I was afraid my brownies wouldn't meet up to his palette.

I was indeed surprised in many ways and was right and wrong. Sergio bought me the most amazingly awesome purse made of vintage records circa 1976 and 1979. The purse is beautiful. I was right. My bracelets really suck compared to this. But I was wrong. Apparently he really enjoyed my brownies! So that's a sigh of relief but I'm still scouring the Internet and all my shopping nooks for something wonderful for Sergio (and hun, if you read this PLEASE don't buy me anymore awesome gifts until I can reciprocate what you got me. ;])

We spent the first day of the year, seeing all the things my hometown has to offer and to be honest, I saw things in a different light. I introduced Mark and Sergio to my life as it was before they met me, including meeting some characters from my past (like the guy I became friends with after he attempted to drown me- true story) They went nuts at the collectibles store where Mark bought yet another James Dean poster (and earned an IOU from me for the one I was originally going to buy him for Christmas)
We went to eat at Parilla de San Miguel, this awesome restaurant that I hadn't eaten at in ages because it reminded me of The Ex. Even so, we went inside and enjoyed the awesome food. And then of course we got into the discussion of our pasts, our lives now, my love life, the gays in our lives and my love life again, particularly my history with David and the crazy stories of how my life and his seem to come full circle.
Then Sergio asked me, "After everything that's happened and how it's worked out... do you still have feelings for him?"
I think I've done a pretty okay job shaking off any feelings and I'm doing so much better with moving myself forward so at any cost, he's so history. And so I'm taking a step forward for myself. It's my unwritten resolution. He's the chip on my shoulder and I'd love to see anyone knock it aside.

"Together We'll Ring In the New Year"

So there wasn't a New Year's kiss like I got in 2009.
But what I got was better. Much better.
And I think this might be something that sticks around. ♥

Happy New Year's, Folks. :)

"Firework"

In 2010,
I nursed a broken heart back together.
I turned 18 years old and registered to vote before I got my driver's license.
I skipped out on my Senior prom.
I started my first novel.
I told everyone not to Rain on My Parade.
I closed the chapter of my life known as "The Dumpee Diaries".
I stood in a line, dressed as a blob of orange, and graduated high school.
I butchered the school fight song as a final "Fuck You!" to high school and never looked back.
I had a going away party while my parents weren't home.
I went to my 10 year Kindergarten class reunion.
I welcomed my honorary niece into the world.
I moved out of my small town for good.
I became Quidditch team Co-Captain, Editor of the Literary Magazine, Resident Idol and the newest Radio Intern in Laredo.
I contemplated: "Is He gay or European?"
I became close friends with my exboyfriend's brother, saying hello to a new person in my life while saying goodbye to another.
I almost knocked out half a hockey team but got back up on the ice.
I made a second family and discovered the best friends a girl could have.
I finished the year baking, optimistic about the upcoming Glee auditions and optimistic about the world in front of me.

Hello 2011. I can't wait to see what shit I get myself into as I greet you. :)