"Home"

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

-Robert Frost

Whether I'd like to admit it or not, it's time to come clean about a few things, some I've always been too scared to admit even to myself in the middle of the night because it's always seemed silly.
Growing up, I read Harry Potter religiously. It was the escape I needed with everything else going on.: Bullying, family issues, the sense of feeling alone and unwanted... it all went away with me reading those books. My favorite has always been "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." I've loved the idea that Harry managed to discover this wonderful life after suffering for so long. But mostly, it was the idea that he finally found a place where he belonged.
All my dreams have lead to one thing: Wanting a place to call home. To have a place where I felt like I belonged, and where no one could hurt me. I've never really had a place where I could comfortably sleep, and have security. My first year of college where I got my own dorm room, washed my own dishes and cooked my own food without worrying about anyone. I can't even count the times I dreamt of my dorm room and the ability to decorate it to my liking when I was in high school. Why home? Simple, I never felt at home, even with my parents. I felt so unloved, so unsafe having to deal with other people's issues. Nothing I ever did was good enough and I couldn't be myself, even with my parents. And I couldn't be myself at school either because no one liked me. I felt like I had to lie. So thus, dreams of having my own comfort zone and safety net had been this desire.
I miss last year, and my dorm room. The apartment I live in now, while I have one of the best roommates the world could ask for, I also have the roommate from hell: a former thorn in my side from high school who lives on an ego trip and thinks she owns the place. So I sleep there, and eat, and stay glued to my laptop. But I don't really socialize in it.
I've been looking to get a place on my own for quite some time but now, JJ and I have talked about moving in together. We were originally going to move in with Manny in Manny's new house but now, his girlfriend is throwing a fit, so I'm out on the streets and under the bus again. I know that it's just another setback but I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll be dreaming about having a place to call home. Or if I'll ever get it.

The War Inside

If there's anything I could possibly dislike about my relationship, it's the fact that we get ourselves into ridiculous arguments, and I take them worse than anyone else. Why? Because when we fight, I'm the foolish one, the easily aggravated one and if anything, the person who becomes the most frustrated about it.
I am my mother's daughter and unfortunately, I've learned everything I know about love from her. I say unfortunately because to me, love means slammed doors, a contest over who's ego is bigger than who's, and the usual of pushing people away. When my mom gets upset, she yells and complains, blames everyone, makes others suffer and when we all want to know what's wrong, she refuses to talk to anyone. That is me right there. I get mad over tiny things, I blame him (and it's not his fault), I shut myself out and make accusations of him leaving me for good, and don't talk to anyone.
Our latest fight? My fault. He's coming home and spending time with his family so my four months will more than likely turn into 7 months with him away. I've told him that's fine and since I'll only be seeing him 3 days out of the week (if ever) I've jokingly referred to myself as "the booty call" or the "on-call girlfriend".
Do I want him to come home and stay? Yes. Am I mad that my time without him has been extended? Definitely. But it's his family and I'd be an idiot not to understand that. I'm not happy but I have to suck it up and be a big kid. But he hates how I call myself the booty call (even if I feel that way).  I just hate how I feel as though I'm basically going back to being single (and spending a good amount of a year) alone, having to deal with phone calls, and a few texts, and missing him while he's out having an adventure. I want my life back. I can barely stand not seeing him right now. I especially did not sign up for a long distance relationship.
I care about him greatly but I'm wearing thin. So if I want to crack a joke about being on call because he gets to call me his girlfriend without even so much as seeing me, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to keep myself somewhat sane. I'm sarcastic, and Cynical. It's been established.
Right now I'm just writing to blow of steam but GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"I Hope This Gets To You"

"Zelda Sayre to F. Scott Fitzgerald
(1919)
Sweetheart,
Please, please don't be so depressed--We'll be married soon, and then these lonesome nights will be over forever--and until we are, I am loving, loving every tiny minute of the day and night--
Maybe you won't understand this, but sometimes when I miss you most, it's hardest to write--and you always know
when I make myself--Just the ache of it all--and I can't tell you.
If we were together, you'd feel how strong it is--you're so sweet when you're melancholy. I love your sad tenderness--when I've hurt you--That's one of the reasons I could never be sorry for our quarrels--and they bothered you so-- Those dear, dear little fusses, when I always tried so hard to make you kiss and forget--
Scott--there's nothing in all the world I want but you--and your precious love--All the materials things are nothing.
I'd just hate to live a sordid, colorless existence-because you'd soon love me less--and less--and I'd do anything--anything--to keep your heart for my own--I don't want to live--I want to love first, and live incidentally...
Don't--don't ever think of the things you can't give me--You've trusted me with the dearest heart of all--and it's so damn much more than anybody else in all the world has ever had--
How can you think deliberately of life without me--If you should die--O Darling--darling Scott--It'd be like going blind...I'd have no purpose in life--just a pretty--decoration.
Don't you think I was made for you? I feel like you had me ordered--and I was delivered to you--to be worn--I want you to wear me, like a watch--charm or a button hole bouquet--to the world.
And then, when we're alone, I want to help--to know that you can't do anything without me...
All my heart--
I love you"
 
I've been trying to write to you since you left, but the truth is that words have failed me. Zelda managed to write to Francis and explain exactly what I wish I could say to you. I miss you, but I hope this gets to you. Happy Valentine's Day, amor.
I wish you were here.
xoxo, your Dove

"Princess In China"

" There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder."- Charles Morgan

Valentine's Day is two days away. I feel like time is purposely passing as slow as my brother's attempts to wake up in the morning, because normally, February 14th creeps up on my and takes me by surprise. Now that I'm ready for it and willing to grab it by its commercialized horns, it's taking it's sweet old time to get here.
I suppose the anxiety is at an elevated level right now, particularly because JJ left for Paris for the weekend (yes, Paris, France) and well... I'm still here at home. On the positive, today is my halfway marker: 3 more months until he comes home.
Lately, I've started thinking a whole lot about love, and my relationship and just me in general. I mean, a year ago I tattooed "Let Your Love be Strong" with the meaning of always remaining persistent of my goals because back then love and ambition meant the same thing. Now, ambition doesn't exactly mean everything and even in a society where love means caution, and no one lasts and everything takes away from the true meaning of love... I still believe that my relationship is one of a kind.
It's been taking me some serious reality checks (and extensive phone calls, dinners, and karaoke sessions- Thanks Manny) for me to see the fact that I quite possibly have sabotaged and ran from every single good thing to come into my life. I'll admit, maybe I've let the mistakes of everyone's past influence me and scare me into thinking that I'm not worthy of being loved.
I'm starting to think that just maybe Love may also be my greatest strength and greatest weakness. If it is, that could possibly explain why my bestie and I get along so well.
I say this because being with JJ and seeing that love isn't a death sentence has given me many things ambition never could. I'm in love (dare I say it at the risk of being called an impulsive, foolish teenager) and I now feel a sense of being complete. I have courage and support.I feel  more sure about tomorrow and less scared that it won't work out. Yet at the same time, loving him has  made me face all my insecurities, and take my past head on. Because of love, I've become reckless, a little sensitive, and scared of the possibility of losing him.
Love is all about risks and challenges. It's an ongoing battle and given that my relationship is going to be more long distance than us actually being together, I've had to learn more. Being single meant not have to deal with anything and being flawed all I wanted because no one was there to call me out on it. Now I have to face everything and growing up was not such a bad thing.There is love in healing and healing in finding love.
I couldn't have asked for a better man to come into my life. He's selfless, caring, nurturing, romantic, funny, intelligent and a true blessing in my life. I'm moody, I lose control, I'm reckless, immature more often than not, difficult to handle, messy, and a burden to society. Yet he loves me, and he's right: I deserve to be loved, no matter what anyone says.
Part of love is trusting and letting go. If putting my guard aside means happiness, then it's time I let myself love and be loved.

"Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?"

"I run like the ocean to find your shore... looking for you."- Restless, Switchfoot

I just got off Skype with JJ, one of our many skype sessions since he left and may I say that it's only dawned on us that Valentine's Day is approaching.
Personally, we all know I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. I suppose it's partially to blame at the fact that where I'm from, the older you get,the bigger and more extravagant presents get.
My parents are hard working people and by no means am I ever going to forget they love me but you know the holiday is becoming overrated when you go to class and sit next to 12 year olds who get hot air balloon replicas and their weight in roses from mommy and daddy and your parents (who love you dearly) send you a normal teddy bear and maybe candy and people call you broke (when you think  they're attention seeking for getting bears they'll donate and flowers they'll throw out eventually.
This is not the purpose of my rant. My point being that after years when my parents stopped sending things and people became more extravagant with gifts, I developed a bitter taste for Valentine's Day.
I'm probably like most girls: I've spent more Valentine's Days single than with someone and even so I feel like there's this huge sense of expectation.
I've always felt bad for my guy friends (having to spend and work extra to make money for their girlfriends) because I know girls (myself included) have had the standard of roses/teddy bear/chocolates drilled as a standard and well expected gift. Over the years, I've had some good laughs, good cries, and hilarious memories. As much as I've dreaded the holiday, I've always survived it.
This is my second Valentine's Day in my entire life where I've been in a relationship and I think that this is the most surreal. How can you celebrate with someone who's in a foreign country? And I suppose I should feel blessed because as much as I dread the holiday, he's still trying to make every conscious effort to make sure I celebrate and I'm happy. And his stuff is still here...waiting to be shipped to London.
I suppose now that I've been stripped of the cliches, and a physically ever present boyfriend things like big flashy gifts don't matter. (and Jay, if you're reading this, I  SINCERELY hope that you DIDN'T get me anything huge like that!!) I just want him home, I don't care about souvenirs or holidays... I just want him on my doorstep. A smile will suffice.

And for the record, I don't even LIKE roses! I like Easter lilies because they look and smell pretty :)

Whatever the case may be, I'm actually curious to see what Valentine's Day brings this year. :)

"These Times"

As absolutely terrible as this sounds, trying to find my life again while JJ is in Europe is one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with. I used to be invincible! I was a powerhouse and Jen used to be a force to be reckoned with. Now I'm an absolute sap, and it never ceases to amaze me how fragile I've become.
This semester was supposed to be the semester where I got stuff done and I sincerely mean it. But now my problem is that I'm getting everything done too quickly.
My best friend has gone MIA and it's a given: From the few seldom conversations we've had recently, I know he wakes up earlier than me, stays up just as late studying and gets a beating at the academy. The last thing he wants to hear about at 7 PM (after a day of hell) is me, my boredom and the absolute nonsense I'm capable of spewing because I have absolutely nothing worthy of noting. I know where he comes from with exhaustion but at the same time I can't help but wonder if maybe it's just me getting frustrated. Or bored.