"The Trouble With Love Is"

It's the weekend... finally.
It's been one crazy week full of ups and downs anyway you look at it.
Monday was a great day. Best day of my week. (:
Tuesday...
I watched the newest episode of Glee and I was proud and outraged at the same time. No, I am not dissing on my favorite TV show... it was a great episode but it hit a little too close to home this time around. I've re fallen in love with Darren Criss (of A Very Potter Musical fame, who plays the cool and incredibly adorable Blaine on Glee)
For the first time in my life, I saw a love story that was unconventional, modern and leaves much to be hopeful for the rest of us. While I am very much straight, it was touching to see the gay community represented in mainstream society. . It was touching for many of those that I love and cherish as members of my second family (my close circle of friends) represented in such a beautiful, innocent and real way. I highly recommend watching the episode if you already don't watch Glee.
But for those of you who have seen it, you may be asking: How does this affect me?
Love.
It seems like everywhere I've gone this past week there's been romance involved. I've begun to think that maybe after two years I should just start considering dating seriously again and try being in a relationship but the truth is at best, all I am are damaged goods. It's been two years (quite literally to the day) that I haven't been in a relationship or dared to get close to it. I've felt like somewhat of an outsider, seeing my friends flirt and go on dates and flirt and interact with other people. Alot of people don't realize that something that basic can really make a big difference. Maybe because alot of the people I'm encountering also kind of give me crazy flashbacks of high school, and these aren't flashbacks I like.
But anyways, back to my point. Glee made me ecstatic by showing an unconventional relationship that reflects the changes of the times of modern society in a beautiful and true way.
My only complaint is "Damnit... That's one less person I can relate to." Everyone's pairing off! lol
The rest of the week was better. I got my first A in my History class, the most impossible thing in terms of that class. No one gets high grades in her class. EVER. So that pretty much made my week.
Then came Friday. Hockey day (:
For the first time I actually saw people I knew at the game because my college campus had a college night at the game. But even so, no one solid group I could just go up and hang out with for the rest of the night was there so I sat with the one person I could relate to and understand the most: my speech teacher.
He's no older than 35, is a pop culture geek like me and actually understands what I'm talking about (and loves Glee just as much as I do) He went by himself as well and we had a pretty good time talking and watching the game. (:
Then came the after skate. I was accompanied by Mark, the big man on campus who singlehandedly is probably the most vital person in the student body. He's been all over the US and has doen great things and is very involved on campus. He and I also share one thing in common. We're both single but please folks, don't get any ideas. He's gay.
And so I shared my experience of skating with a great friend. The beginning of ice skating, when they clean the ice, is always tough because you have no friction to fight against so there are always stumbles.In this case, I actually hit the ice. Hard.
But I got back up and kept going and I stayed up the rest of the night. I felt like I was flying and so I soared on the ice. When I got off the ice and to my cell phone, I saw that I not only had a missed call but a voicemail from David's dad. He called to let me know that Switchfoot was on Leno that night and he thought I should know. It was the nicest thing and a great close to the weekend. The next day, I caught up with my favorite band's performance and enjoyed my weekend. It comes down to a crazy week with a chill weekend but at the end of the day, let's face it. I'm single.

"These Foolish Things Remind Me of You"

The week is off to a great start! Monday was upbeat and optimistic. Tuesday (today) got off to a bumpy start but it's not a bad day. Plus, Glee is on tonight and I've got "Teenage Dream" stuck in my head. (: This week is gonna be great and I know that I can push forward and make up for lost time, considering how gloomy it was last week. Even with my sunny disposition though, there's just something that feels kind of funny to me and it borders on foreign.
It all starts with a necklace. Over the years, one signature piece I've always had is a silver necklace. Simple, understated and yet very much a part of my personal sense of balance. I have a tendency to change the pendants and replace them with either the wear and tear of using them daily or just because I found something pretty to wear around my neck. I went back to the original pendant of the chain I'm currently using (a heart made up for aquamarine stones) and very recently and one of the stones fell out. So I quickly had to change charms and the only one I had left was none other than a charm I haven't moved from it's box in almost 2 years.
2 years ago, David gave me this charm for Christmas. It's a silver Christmas wreath made of hollies and was meant to be a part of the charm bracelet he bought me for Christmas. I personally never got to put the charm on my bracelet so it's been in it's little box unused until now. Until I find a new charm, this one is now resting on my neck.
Let me be the first to tell you... it feels weird to be wearing it. I never wore it when we were together because I had every intention of attaching it to my charm bracelet and because I was afraid of ruining it. Now, I wear it because otherwise I'd feel naked not having a charm in its place and it serves as a placeholder. Even so, it reminds me of this time of year in retrospect of last year and the year before last. In 2008, we were just starting out. In 2009, I was single, close to rounding off my first year of being single and fresh off my experience of  meeting Tyra Banks and the cast of Glee. 2010... nada.I'm not so sure if it'll seem like nothing once I experience the year ahead of me but still. I can't help but feel reminded of the last two years of my life just by wearing this necklace. I hope that I can get a new charm soon because even if this is psychosomatic and I'm just imagining all these reminders of what happened two years ago, it still feels weird.
Hopefully this won't ruin the rest of my week. There's a hockey game this weekend!!! :D

"Flight Risk With a Fear of Fallin'"

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. "

-Buddha

Last night, I went to a hockey game with my aunt and her family for my cousin's 12th birthday. I guess that's one of the nice things about coming to where my family lives for college. Even if I live far from my parents, family is always around. Personally, I'm one of those people who loves hockey for the main reason that it's one of the few sports I actually understand. It's not like football with 40 billion penalties and rules and lines. Hockey is simple. A puck moves back and forth. You score by moving the puck into the net. Nothing difficult about that. Add in the difficulty of moving around on ice, the fights on ice, the crowd adrenaline and a bunch of good looking guys and I'm sold on watching. I'm also blessed to live in a town that actually has a hockey team so this made for a perfect outing. I borrowed my cousin's jersey, we ate at Red Lobster then came to the game.

For the first time in years, I caught up with an old friend from kindergarten who happens to work at the arena in the camera crew. He and I haven't seen each other in ten years and so when I went to the game, I stopped by to say hi and kind of catch up. Then after the game, my cousin and I went ice skating, my new secret thrill.

You see, when I was a Freshman in high school my aunt took me to my first hockey game. At first my skates didn't fit right and I kept wobbling all over the ice. Then after trading my skates for something that fit better, I noticed the difference and I got confidence. I skated faster but that confidence came to bite me in the ass when one wrong turn landed me in a wall. Since then, I hadn't bothered to get back on the ice. The crash resulted in a badly sprained ankle that took months to heal, a whole bunch of scratches and a very bruised personal sense of pride. It's only been up until now that I've set foot on the ice again.

I got back on the ice for the first time two weeks ago and I was terrified. I made sure to get skates that fit perfectly and was pretty much glued to the wall. But then I let go and slowly started moving. I would freak out every inch and keep leaning for the wall but never toppled over. That first time back on the ice I moved

at my own pace and even though my blade got caught on the ice every so often, each stumble, though it threatened to knock me down just moved me forward. And thus, it made yesterday much easier.

So I pretty much bumped into quite a few hockey players who were on the ice after the game (one saw me almost slam into a wall and another actually saved me from going facefirst into the ice, to be specific) but I stayed away from the wall. The thrill of feeling the cold and the empowerment of moving on my own was not only liberating but mentally soothing. It's the closest to feeling like I'm flying and I love it. Maybe someday I'll share my secret place of peace and solace... the place I haven't found in a long time that hasn't been taken away from me. Hopefully as time passes, I can get better at my skating... and not attack a professional hockey player while I'm at it. :)

While I'm terrified of falling, it's worth it to get the joy of soaring on your own... this concept could apply to alot of things.

First time back on the ice (:

One of the hockey players I bumped into,

Jarred Mohr, Defenseman for the Laredo Bucks (:

"Real Gone"

You know, some of the best weekends always come from sucky weeks and this one is no exception. I've been kind of down in the dumps with everything that happened but it all came down to an awesome Friday. I woke up early, did pretty well on my in-class essay for my History class, finished my research for Speech, got a free massage (thank goodness for Resident Appreciation Weeks!) and did all my work and then spent the time with none other than the guy who I've gone out with twice already. We went out for a random hot chocolate run and met up with one of his friends and planned for an impromptu trip to the beach next weekend. (Awesomeness!)
But on this awesome Friday a hundred or so miles away from where I am now around the same time, my Alma Mater was celebrating their 5th straight defeat of our [only] rivals. Football isn't and has never really been my thing but I cheered for everyone through a Facebook status post.
This brings me to Saturday. Today. After some confusion, I ended up staying in town instead of going to a performance because they forgot I don't have a car. (The one thing that constantly annoys me is the one thing people forget. Joy.) I called Juan today and we were able to catch up. Aside from all our usual talking, one thing he said really struck out to me. Almost all of the band alumni were at the game. Apparently everyone went except for me.
Why these things?
The reason the comment about everyone being there except me being there and it being noticeable is just the fact that someone noticed. Had I gone though, I can assure you it would have raised questions. I hated high school, almost every single part of it. I hated how so many people gave the last four years of being in secondary education so much valor. I hated the crappy caste system made up of social hierarchy and who was cool. I hated being criticized for every damn thing I did and how no one gave me a fair break to be myself because God forbid it cause some kind of movement forward. It was horrible to constantly feeling like I had to prove myself and be considered wrong and some form or a joke to those around me. That's why I swore I wouldn't go back until I absolutely had to and that's why the only sign of school spirit I had/have are the things I earned based on personal merit and even then, I kind of protested that too. My Letterman jacket (instead of being orange and white like everyone else's) is black and gray and I'm the only senior in my graduating class with it. Also, the stone on my class ring is Pink and not Orange. The place and town left a thorn in my side and a bad taste in my mouth and I was all too happy to leave and not return. Which is why when Juan said I was the only one missing, it made me think. Aside from Juan being my best friend and possibly the only one who missed me at the game, I'm sure me going would have not done me any favors. No one was going to miss me, considering that they spent the last four years of my life doing everything in their power to ostracize me and wish I was gone.  Why do I feel bad about not going then? I don't know but I guess it's too late to change it now and it's better for me to have not gone.
Now I won't be home until Christmas (when I'm being forced at all costs to be home unless I want to be disowned) and I'm still begging and pleading with my parents to come here instead of making me go over there simply because I hate being there so much but considering that we're celebrating Thanksgiving with my grandparents and not at home, they're done with traveling for holidays. I don't plan on sticking around longer than I need to. The first Sunday after New Year's, I'm headed back to school.
Being at school is like the summer vacation I never had and when I think about all the shit I went through at home, I could live the rest of my life not setting foot back in that town again. I hate it that much.
So from great friday to confusing saturday. I wonder what sunday has in store for me....

(but hey... I am proud that I managed to do TWO blogs in one week!)

"Can't Break Her Fall"

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

     This week in general has been a rather rough week for me in terms of events that have happened to me and I guess you could say I walked into alot of it.
      I fell down a flight of stairs last Friday. In spite of the notoriety my clumsiness has, not once have I fallen down the stairs. And trust me, it hurts. And I guess what was more irritating was that I was walking with Erick and Kevin.When I hit the last stair with a bang, Kevin freaked out and asked if I was okay. Erick just stared and said nothing. He didn't even bother to help pick me up. Story of my life: When Life knocks you down - no matter how much it hurts- NEVER expect a man to pick you up. You just get up, dust yourself off and keep on walking. And so I did. I got myself up, limped down the rest of the stairs and limped all around campus until the pain got to be so much, I asked my Speech teacher if I could leave to my dorm early to go rest because on Friday of all days, not only was I expected to walk but strut in a campus beauty pageant. I was then escorted via campus police to the health services center where I was fussed over more than I should have been. I didn't dislocate anything but hell is there a lot of bruising. This brings me to the next surprise.
After almost 13 years of being mocked and called ugly by the majority of my classmates, I competed in a beauty pageant... and earned one of the top 5 finalist spots... there were at least 40-ish girls in the pageant
:O This not only breaks my own deeply rooted assumption that I don't stand a chance in any type of beauty pageant but also changed alot of my heavily ingrained self concept. To believe that I'm not pretty and to be told otherwise by a panel  of judges who not only have experience in the pageant world is mind boggling.
    And clearly, it's beginning to become more accepted that I imagined. That Saturday, I got invited to a party at a ranch that belongs to the family of someone I know on campus. I surprised myself by actually going, knowing I'd end up being a babysitter for my friends more than anything else. And sure enough, I was. But at that party, something happened that was not only beyond my reach but incredibly disappointing. Someone hit on me.
     There's this guy on my floor who I've kind of admired from afar. He's someone I met and he's an interesting guy to talk to. Well, the guy slowly made his moves at that party. He flirted, called me pretty, held my hand... and eventually made his move and when he did, I didn't exactly stop him. I didn't let him do what he wished, that I was pretty adamant about but the fact that a guy called me "pretty" basically twisted with my mind a bit. Guys never call me pretty. And not to be conceited or anything but I'm just so used to being called many other things in the form of compliments about my intellect, or outlook on life that I don't ever expect to hear anything about beauty. If and when I do, I immediately think it's either a cruel joke or some form of sarcasm. Anyway, back to my point.
When I got back from the party, I was in a pretty good mood, filled with confidence and giddiness. That is, until I logged in to Facebook the next morning, when he added me on Facebook and it was there, on my laptop's screen that my mood plummeted. The guy from my floor, who charmed me and made a move and held my hand all night was in a relationship... with someone else. That has been my lowest low ever. And when I asked him about it, and asked him why he did what he did even though he has a girlfriend, he simply told me this:
"Being in a relationship doesn't mean anything. College is about experimenting and having fun. Plus she's hooked up with guys at parties and not told me about it. I should be able to do the same, right?"
Am I the only person who's incredibly bothered by this? Had I known he had a girlfriend, not only would I have stayed away from the guy but I also wouldn't have let him hit on me. Relationships are supposed to mean something and the fact that I got played not only disgusts me but makes me lose faith in the human race a little bit more. I don't agree with the "it's college: experiment and think later" philosophy. That's now how I was raised and that's not even moral. So yes, it's sad and depressing that at the moment no one sees eye-to-eye with me. At that party, I was looked at funny because I was the only one in the whole place who wasn't wearing a skimpy Halloween costume, didn't drink, didn't smoke and still had fun. All my friends got plastered (which is where my role of babysitter came in) Aside from being played, I didn't do anything against the morals I was raised with and not once acted in a way that would draw a negative reputation.
Keep this in mind because the lesson out of all of this is good girls finish last. I'm guilt ridden and have been all this week. I see him on campus all the time and know that every time I do, he's living with a clean conscious and I'm struggling with the fact that it's not right. Little fiascos have happened to me after this weekend. I caused a major spill in the auditorium where my History class is held. Thankfully my friends were there to help me out. I've gotten 2 job rejection letters... a discouraging blow. Then today at lunch, I spilled something yet again, except this time on myself and as a result, I've been hiding in the library, writing this blog entry until the left side of my pants dry, which is why I'm finishing this entry all in one sitting (compared to the week it's begun to take me to get through a blog entry now)
I know there are other people on this Earth who have worse problems than me and I'm not saying "woe is me" either. Each morning I remind myself that everyday is a new day and that hopefully there will be something positive and bright to look forward to. It's not the end of the world yet and I can't act like it. Right now I'm just experiencing a time of trifles, each one just one stumble away from my path.  After all, who said negative thinking got anyone anywhere?