"Can't Break Her Fall"

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

     This week in general has been a rather rough week for me in terms of events that have happened to me and I guess you could say I walked into alot of it.
      I fell down a flight of stairs last Friday. In spite of the notoriety my clumsiness has, not once have I fallen down the stairs. And trust me, it hurts. And I guess what was more irritating was that I was walking with Erick and Kevin.When I hit the last stair with a bang, Kevin freaked out and asked if I was okay. Erick just stared and said nothing. He didn't even bother to help pick me up. Story of my life: When Life knocks you down - no matter how much it hurts- NEVER expect a man to pick you up. You just get up, dust yourself off and keep on walking. And so I did. I got myself up, limped down the rest of the stairs and limped all around campus until the pain got to be so much, I asked my Speech teacher if I could leave to my dorm early to go rest because on Friday of all days, not only was I expected to walk but strut in a campus beauty pageant. I was then escorted via campus police to the health services center where I was fussed over more than I should have been. I didn't dislocate anything but hell is there a lot of bruising. This brings me to the next surprise.
After almost 13 years of being mocked and called ugly by the majority of my classmates, I competed in a beauty pageant... and earned one of the top 5 finalist spots... there were at least 40-ish girls in the pageant
:O This not only breaks my own deeply rooted assumption that I don't stand a chance in any type of beauty pageant but also changed alot of my heavily ingrained self concept. To believe that I'm not pretty and to be told otherwise by a panel  of judges who not only have experience in the pageant world is mind boggling.
    And clearly, it's beginning to become more accepted that I imagined. That Saturday, I got invited to a party at a ranch that belongs to the family of someone I know on campus. I surprised myself by actually going, knowing I'd end up being a babysitter for my friends more than anything else. And sure enough, I was. But at that party, something happened that was not only beyond my reach but incredibly disappointing. Someone hit on me.
     There's this guy on my floor who I've kind of admired from afar. He's someone I met and he's an interesting guy to talk to. Well, the guy slowly made his moves at that party. He flirted, called me pretty, held my hand... and eventually made his move and when he did, I didn't exactly stop him. I didn't let him do what he wished, that I was pretty adamant about but the fact that a guy called me "pretty" basically twisted with my mind a bit. Guys never call me pretty. And not to be conceited or anything but I'm just so used to being called many other things in the form of compliments about my intellect, or outlook on life that I don't ever expect to hear anything about beauty. If and when I do, I immediately think it's either a cruel joke or some form of sarcasm. Anyway, back to my point.
When I got back from the party, I was in a pretty good mood, filled with confidence and giddiness. That is, until I logged in to Facebook the next morning, when he added me on Facebook and it was there, on my laptop's screen that my mood plummeted. The guy from my floor, who charmed me and made a move and held my hand all night was in a relationship... with someone else. That has been my lowest low ever. And when I asked him about it, and asked him why he did what he did even though he has a girlfriend, he simply told me this:
"Being in a relationship doesn't mean anything. College is about experimenting and having fun. Plus she's hooked up with guys at parties and not told me about it. I should be able to do the same, right?"
Am I the only person who's incredibly bothered by this? Had I known he had a girlfriend, not only would I have stayed away from the guy but I also wouldn't have let him hit on me. Relationships are supposed to mean something and the fact that I got played not only disgusts me but makes me lose faith in the human race a little bit more. I don't agree with the "it's college: experiment and think later" philosophy. That's now how I was raised and that's not even moral. So yes, it's sad and depressing that at the moment no one sees eye-to-eye with me. At that party, I was looked at funny because I was the only one in the whole place who wasn't wearing a skimpy Halloween costume, didn't drink, didn't smoke and still had fun. All my friends got plastered (which is where my role of babysitter came in) Aside from being played, I didn't do anything against the morals I was raised with and not once acted in a way that would draw a negative reputation.
Keep this in mind because the lesson out of all of this is good girls finish last. I'm guilt ridden and have been all this week. I see him on campus all the time and know that every time I do, he's living with a clean conscious and I'm struggling with the fact that it's not right. Little fiascos have happened to me after this weekend. I caused a major spill in the auditorium where my History class is held. Thankfully my friends were there to help me out. I've gotten 2 job rejection letters... a discouraging blow. Then today at lunch, I spilled something yet again, except this time on myself and as a result, I've been hiding in the library, writing this blog entry until the left side of my pants dry, which is why I'm finishing this entry all in one sitting (compared to the week it's begun to take me to get through a blog entry now)
I know there are other people on this Earth who have worse problems than me and I'm not saying "woe is me" either. Each morning I remind myself that everyday is a new day and that hopefully there will be something positive and bright to look forward to. It's not the end of the world yet and I can't act like it. Right now I'm just experiencing a time of trifles, each one just one stumble away from my path.  After all, who said negative thinking got anyone anywhere?