I Will Learn To Love Again

"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." - Marilyn Monroe

"I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless."

More music stuck in my head today, but this time my body is finally getting a message across: I am EXHAUSTED. This morning, I literally woke up and started teary eyed because my body wanted to stay and get the sleep it needs and it couldn't. I'm no stranger to stress and I've been through physical endurance before but right now, I want to cry. I need a day to sleep and relax and actually remember that I'm not made of steel.

Lots going on at the moment, both good and bad.
But right now, I have a headache, and the person giving it to me doesn't even know he does. I also know that I shouldn't even be frustrated about this. You'd think that after two years, I would learn that you can't go looking for love or putting myself down about never attracting someone because I'm the sarcastic, cynical, sharp tongued, ugly friend out of the group who refuses to sit in the background and look pretty. I don't understand guys and their mind games. I don't know how to flirt and be subtle to save my life. I do have an incredibly thick wall that I never let down. And somewhere in that, I'm still vulnerable and hoping that someone will be the brave soul to try to get close to me but knowing no one will.
And of course, slowly but surely everyone is starting to pair off, my sisters and friends included. I've noticed that pretty much, I'm the only single person left in my circle of friends. My co-workers are all dating someone or married (my closest friends at work are actually dating each other, lol) and my sisters, including the ones I'm closest to are mostly in relationships and Mark, who I haven't consciously thought about in a while is apparently going on dates, as someone decided to enlighten me about today. I'm here sitting on campus while my sister is eating lunch with her new boyfriend a couple of hundred feet away from me and while I'm trying to mind my own business and let them do their own deal, I see so many people around me and so many faces but not one of them is the one I'm looking for. Not a single person here is the face I'm looking for, nor am I the face anyone's looking for.
I know I should stay positive and maybe a part of me wants to be, but then there's the part of me that's trying not to get my hopes up and remind myself that this is the real world and more likely than not, I'm going to get hurt and I'm going to be waiting for the right person to come into my life.
Didn't Rapunzel ever get lonely at the top of the tower waiting for someone to come along and go through the trouble of climbing the tower?

"Drowning in tears that wont be me
I will soon be free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it wont be long till I regain the strength to know
I can go on
I will find my way through the heart break I will not give up on love
I believe

I will learn to love again I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to
Learn to love again"

"Melody"

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." 

-Aldous Huxley

Maybe it's been too long but considering I haven't written in ages (not just this blog, but my book as well) I'd like to attempt to catch up. I find that it's getting trickier though, as I literally wake up, go to school, eat while studying and rush to work to only get out late, sleep four hours and do it all over again. One thing that has remained consistent is music, and while I've always said that it keeps me sane, I think the fact that I'm thinking in song is causing some insanity.
These are my thoughts at this very moment.:
"I like the universe, but she messes with my words.
I'm not talking planets or galaxies
and the distance just makes it worse..."

"...So, how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California king"

"Antes que pase más tiempo contigo amor
Tengo que decir que eres el amor de mi vida
Antes que te ame más, escucha por favor

Déjame decir que todo te di
Y no hay cómo explicar pero menos dudar
Simplemente así lo sentí, cuando te vi." 

 "When you was just a young’un you’re looks but so precious
But now your grown up
So fly its like a blessing but you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It’s seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder"

"All the days collided
One less perfect than the next
I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best
Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize
That it's safe outside to come  alive in my identity"

 

I've got song lyrics left and right in my head. I go to sleep with melodies in my head that remind me of people. I have memories flooding my head, good and bad. Great and deafening. In a time where literally I only come back home late at  night (or early morning, depending on your point of view) to sleep and I don't have the luxury of being able to say things. 

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say..."

I'm dying to sing at the the top of my lungs. I'm looking for an escape where I can run, get to say everything that's building up in my mind like unopened letters in my mailbox.

"I'm feelin' like I keep on talking,
I'm repeating,
Myself, my words, lost all meaning,
I keep talking,
I repeat myself...
I just wanna run, hide it away,
Run because they're chasing me down,
I just wanna run, throw it away..."

At this rate, my thoughts are just songs on a playlist on my iPod or cherished songs from the jukebox at work, lyrics that say everything I want to and yet no matter how loud I turn up the volume and no matter how into these songs I get when I sing them under my breath... they're still my secrets. And my memories. And right now, that's all I can ask for. 


"No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got 'da da da' inside my head
And I play songs back to back until i got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There's no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It's the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

& I find that I'm never alone
& I find that my heart is my home
& the music within makes me whole
A world that I built on my own

& I know that I'm never alone
& I know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody"

 

 

"But I Do Love You"

"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."

-Charles Caleb Colton

Today was Independence Day, my first away from my family since I moved out and while I was lucky someone wanted my shift, I missed my family. I missed my friends. I missed alot of things. Even more so, I couldn't stop thinking about alot of things. While I was originally going to spend it with David's family, my sisters instead invited me to a cookout, where I sat relatively silent, enjoying dessert my sister Leanna and I made while thinking about life. I got a call from a really good friend today so it was a nice thing to be thinking about (and to know that he thought to call me too.) Still, I couldn't help but think about lots of things in my life.

I don't like...
spending time away from my family
walking into a room and knowing that people are thinking so many things about you
having to think about school and work on a day off from both
missing people I shouldn't
missing people that don't deserve it 
being the ugly friend
being overshadowed and ignored
the nagging feelings of being single 
missing fireworks displays

I like...
the calls/texts that start my day
spending the day with my sisters
baking and taking my stress out on Devil's food and homemade frosting
 hanging out with people from work and making new connections