Dent

For lack of appropriate titles, this one seems to be the best one at the moment. And it's not a song lyric or title. Instead it's the subject of a message I received in my Facebook inbox yesterday morning and what the message had to say kind of got me straight again.
Sorry if I haven't written all too much or made any sense for the last few entries but I can tell you this much; not much has made sense to me either. I've been stuck in a rut.
Let me start where this somewhat began. (This started after "Caving In", a semi-recent blog entry) By that entry, my self confidence really hit the bucket. It was the weekend and I really needed a confidence boost and so I decided to try something new. It was either between getting the new piercing I always wanted or getting a trim on my hair (I've been secretly dying to get Rachel Berry's Season 2 haircut and if you don't know what that is then for shame on you lol)
In the end I decided on my hair, because like everything so far, my mother would kill me. What a big mistake that was. I walked in and as I explained cautiously that I wanted a TRIM and that I wanted it shoulder length, the hairdresser either misheard me or did what she wanted. She chopped off most of my hair. I have a much shorter cut than I wanted. Then the hairdresser has the nerve to ask me "Do you still want layers?" I wanted to cry. I asked for Rachel Berry and got Lady Gaga in Alejandro (yes, that short!)
The reason I haven't mentioned it is because my mom hadn't seen it and I know how she hates finding things out over the internet and so I basically waited until she came to visit me last week and needless to say she was stunned.
She stayed for all of last weekend and seeing my mom made me think of many things. For one, how seriously I meant alot of things. I swore I wasn't going to come home and I haven't... my mom had to come to me. My brother didn't want to leave my dorm room, my mom didn't talk much to me, and I could feel how much they missed me. I miss them, terribly. And yet she still thinks I don't want to come home because of them. I hate home for deeper reasons than my family. My family was the reason I stayed to begin with but as much as I love them, I can't go back ever again. I have too many scarred and painful memories of living in that town. I need to stay strong and motivated. Yet, as it's clearly been seen, I'm doubting myself alot. I'm also having really lonely nights. While I can keep it together and work through the day, it's getting to become hard doing everything alone. I come home to an empty room (no offense, Foreman but you can't answer back at me or be there for me) I sleep in silence, I think of too many things, and I kick myself for things I can no longer change or have no control over. Yesterday, I had pretty much had enough. Which is why it surprised me when I got this message in my Facebook inbox... from David's dad (and in case you read this sir, it DID surprise me)

Good Morning, was reading your Blog and couldn't help myself to comment on your thoughts concerning How much of a dent you would leave in this word. Wanted to let you know that the Dent that you leave will be as big as you want to make it, unless I'm wrong i guess everyone dreams of someday being someone that left an impression somewhere. You just go ahead and dream big, work hard and success will eventually follow. No one every said that success came easily.


Talk Later,  David's Dad


It lifted my spirits in ways that I really needed but goes to an argument I've had in my head. Is it worth having that everything you've ever wanted with no one to share it with or is it better to be surrounded by people who enjoy your company and love you for who you are, without amounting to anything in this word? I thought about this alot after my breakup with David and I think about it alot now that I'm in college. I hit the books every night, I go to classes and take notes, learning about life with paper and binding as my shield. I eat and observe the environment. seeing other people and their lives. I practice my vocals, do homework, write bits and pieces of my book and talk to friends sometimes. I've got a potential for bigger and better, I'm doing what I love, I'm surrounded by co-workers and classmates who think that I'm desined for great things and that's all fun and dandy but I can't say that I can call anyone if I need to talk, even if its the middle of the night or that anyone would come to my rescue if I felt sad. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that no one is close enough to me to do that. I suppose I should be happy that I have everything I do and that I have to potential to be somebody and make an impact in the world. Sometimes though, I would trade everything just to feel comfortable and safe and wanted by people around me who enjoy my company and enjoy me just the way I am. Sounds like something simple to ask for but you'd be surprised how many prayers, shooting stars,pennies in wishing wells,  birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes and wishbones have been used for this request.
Sure I can make a dent. I can make a crater if I want. I would still trade it all though.

"Sing It Out"

While I've been closing myself into a social shell, my vocal boundaries are only beginning to come out and while it seems like I've been lost this entire time, I have. But getting lost has opened up the chance to figure myself out. How does this make sense? Simple. I've rediscovered my love for music.
It's no secret that music plays a vital part in my life (and I think this blog is a self explanatory example of that) Still, I've secretly been putting music on the back of my mind for the longest time. I've found myself time and time again reprioritizing my singing and my songwriting for fear of rejection. I sang through high school but found myself trying to convince myself that there are billions of better singers out there who have a much better chance at making it big. What kind of dent would I make? Who wants to hear my voice? Every so often I would put myself on a cloud, dreaming of singing for stadiums of people and touring all over the place, finally feeling a sense of love for what I want to do. Then I would remind myself that it's only just a dream, I'm only just a foolish girl with foolish dreams and then go back to writing in my notebook about these crazy dreams. I never sang at home and I was much too reclusive to really sing the way I wanted to in public. Now that I'm here, it seems like my voice comes to me that much easier. I'm singing and finding that its just so much easier to let things out and be myself. I have nothing to hide anymore. I just want to sing it out loud!
Today I'm competing in a vocal competition so hopefully this comes in handy. (:

I swear, I need to write more... There's just so much story to tell and not enough free time.

"What I Cannot Change"

Lately there have been so many things going on, more than I've accurately been able to describe. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I'm adding more weight than I really should. Still, it's safe to say, I'm feeling down.
I've had a couple of lonely nights here in my dorm, but then again I had lonely nights at home. But these aren't the lonely nights of being homesick my friends have. They go home every other weekend, sometimes during weekdays because they miss their families and they miss home, no matter how shitty it was. I am nowhere near close to missing home. I am absolutely sure I could go the rest of my life and never go back home to my small town.
What I'm missing is having a confidante, a real guy who can stand by my side and just be a good influence. I've noticed so many of my friends going on dates and having fun but I'm still shaking off a few insecurities, you know? But even so, I get somewhat frustrated. Behind every great man is a supportive woman. Behind every great woman is an empty shadow because men are too afraid to approach her. Well, tomorrow is a new day...

"Last Night"

I am at a bit of a standstill at the moment.
Too many things running through my head and for those of you who know me, I can get a little jumpy (AKA borderline insane when I've got too much going on mentally. And believe me when I say it's too much to even get started but I will say this.
I've got school

mariachi
extra curricular activities
chapters
and no one to talk to any of this about.
And when I try blogging, it just doesn't come out. There's too much I want to say and more that I can't say and while I've tried to make it a policy to get it out of my system and just write, I've never been in a position where it was dangerous (metaphorically speaking) to write. And now? GAAAAHHHHHH
asdfghjkl;'
Yeah, that's what I feel like.   And it's pissing me off. >.<

Caving In (?)

Okay so lots of cause for celebration... well somewhat.
So yesterday I had this auditon for a mariachi group. (Yes, I'm still a Mexican musician. Sue me. :P) And I've kind of been freaking out about it because this is an actual professional group that performs and gets paid to do so) and so I've been trying to get back into vocal shape, along with my other things to juggle (school, my new job which has yet to start, commitments, not worrying my mom, etc.)
Well, I made it into the group! As a matter of fact, I impressed the owner of the group and he might want me to be in 2 groups. But at any cost, I am suuuper psyched and so I grabbed a few friends to go eat at McDonald's last night after I got back. We made our way to McD's and while the nuggets were steaming hot, we started taking about my audition and the group I would be in and that lasted for a good five minutes. While we made our way through the box of nuggets, it occured to someone to bring up the many flaws society has with me. It always starts with one comment about my makeup and from there everyone goes on a rampage. I swear, it turned into like a half hour session of how there are so many things wrong with me. And so this conversation, the one out of many I've heard time and time again is about how I'm this great person and they wouldn't change a thing (yet they insist if I change everything, I'd be amazing) The went on and on about how they wanted to give me a makeover and change my look and everything they thought was wrong with me.
But outnumbered 3 to 1, I couldn't say much to defend myself. They were right and I was wrong. So while they all plotted my makeover, I was fuming silently. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine and even though they think they're helping me, it hurts. Am I just being paranoid?

Covered in Rain

It's weird to say I'm in college, even now that I've been living here for a while and might I say that my life is totally unrecognizable. In a way it's been good but in a way it's not exactly something really great. Ale and I have been hanging out often almost every day, which is cool but I'm struggling to find my own space sometimes. Still, it's good to have a friend.
But I guess you can't have everything right? Well in this case, I find myself struggling with isolation, particularly something brought on by the rain. Ironically, I live in one of the driest and hottest places in Texas and for the second week in school, it's been raining and pouring. Talk about weather to fit the mood. Like yesterday for example. I passed up a sorority event to go to David's football game to go see him perform. I sat in his dad's SUV, unsure of what to say or even what to think. I sat in bleachers unknown to me... from a perspective I've never seen... the football stands apart from the band. I watched as a bystander, for a high school I never attended to go see a guy who had no major part in my life anymore. I got to see Angel's family (funny enough, Angel's sister Ruby is in the band too) and just when I figured that things weren't awkward enough... it started to rain. Droplets of rain that kept going for most of the game and continued eventually for the rest of the weekend. Rain was there when the football team played on, stopped when the band got on the field, and started again as I got home. And somehow, even though it wasn't raining when I was watching David on the field (and noticed him before his parents did) I could feel the pinpricks of rain around me, just little reminders of how wrong this feels and how I knew that I was going to end up exactly there. It wasn't exactly the kind of revelation I needed but nonetheless it was still a revelation.
I got invited to their family barbecue this weekend and for some reason I said yes. I don't know why but I did and now I have this "aaaaaccckk" feeling. I can tell you this much. I spent the whole weekend in my room in such a bad mood just so confused about everything. I even ran into Sammy the House again at a music festival here on campus and got somewhat of a job but things still kind of got to me. Now it feels like I'm in a fog. I don't even know what to think...