Dent

For lack of appropriate titles, this one seems to be the best one at the moment. And it's not a song lyric or title. Instead it's the subject of a message I received in my Facebook inbox yesterday morning and what the message had to say kind of got me straight again.
Sorry if I haven't written all too much or made any sense for the last few entries but I can tell you this much; not much has made sense to me either. I've been stuck in a rut.
Let me start where this somewhat began. (This started after "Caving In", a semi-recent blog entry) By that entry, my self confidence really hit the bucket. It was the weekend and I really needed a confidence boost and so I decided to try something new. It was either between getting the new piercing I always wanted or getting a trim on my hair (I've been secretly dying to get Rachel Berry's Season 2 haircut and if you don't know what that is then for shame on you lol)
In the end I decided on my hair, because like everything so far, my mother would kill me. What a big mistake that was. I walked in and as I explained cautiously that I wanted a TRIM and that I wanted it shoulder length, the hairdresser either misheard me or did what she wanted. She chopped off most of my hair. I have a much shorter cut than I wanted. Then the hairdresser has the nerve to ask me "Do you still want layers?" I wanted to cry. I asked for Rachel Berry and got Lady Gaga in Alejandro (yes, that short!)
The reason I haven't mentioned it is because my mom hadn't seen it and I know how she hates finding things out over the internet and so I basically waited until she came to visit me last week and needless to say she was stunned.
She stayed for all of last weekend and seeing my mom made me think of many things. For one, how seriously I meant alot of things. I swore I wasn't going to come home and I haven't... my mom had to come to me. My brother didn't want to leave my dorm room, my mom didn't talk much to me, and I could feel how much they missed me. I miss them, terribly. And yet she still thinks I don't want to come home because of them. I hate home for deeper reasons than my family. My family was the reason I stayed to begin with but as much as I love them, I can't go back ever again. I have too many scarred and painful memories of living in that town. I need to stay strong and motivated. Yet, as it's clearly been seen, I'm doubting myself alot. I'm also having really lonely nights. While I can keep it together and work through the day, it's getting to become hard doing everything alone. I come home to an empty room (no offense, Foreman but you can't answer back at me or be there for me) I sleep in silence, I think of too many things, and I kick myself for things I can no longer change or have no control over. Yesterday, I had pretty much had enough. Which is why it surprised me when I got this message in my Facebook inbox... from David's dad (and in case you read this sir, it DID surprise me)

Good Morning, was reading your Blog and couldn't help myself to comment on your thoughts concerning How much of a dent you would leave in this word. Wanted to let you know that the Dent that you leave will be as big as you want to make it, unless I'm wrong i guess everyone dreams of someday being someone that left an impression somewhere. You just go ahead and dream big, work hard and success will eventually follow. No one every said that success came easily.


Talk Later,  David's Dad


It lifted my spirits in ways that I really needed but goes to an argument I've had in my head. Is it worth having that everything you've ever wanted with no one to share it with or is it better to be surrounded by people who enjoy your company and love you for who you are, without amounting to anything in this word? I thought about this alot after my breakup with David and I think about it alot now that I'm in college. I hit the books every night, I go to classes and take notes, learning about life with paper and binding as my shield. I eat and observe the environment. seeing other people and their lives. I practice my vocals, do homework, write bits and pieces of my book and talk to friends sometimes. I've got a potential for bigger and better, I'm doing what I love, I'm surrounded by co-workers and classmates who think that I'm desined for great things and that's all fun and dandy but I can't say that I can call anyone if I need to talk, even if its the middle of the night or that anyone would come to my rescue if I felt sad. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that no one is close enough to me to do that. I suppose I should be happy that I have everything I do and that I have to potential to be somebody and make an impact in the world. Sometimes though, I would trade everything just to feel comfortable and safe and wanted by people around me who enjoy my company and enjoy me just the way I am. Sounds like something simple to ask for but you'd be surprised how many prayers, shooting stars,pennies in wishing wells,  birthday wishes, 11:11 wishes and wishbones have been used for this request.
Sure I can make a dent. I can make a crater if I want. I would still trade it all though.