"White Flag"

"I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent. "

— Marilyn Monroe

I'm scared to admit what I'm about to write for many reasons. 1) Because it would reveal so much vulnerability on my part 2) I'm not sure how things would work if anyone realized what I was talking about and 3) It scares me more than it will scare anyone else.
Here goes.
With every day that passes by, I find myself getting more and more lost within myself. I find a sense of panic. I don't know myself anymore, and my health is starting to take a toll like it never has before. I'm used to stress. As a matter of fact, it was a welcome factor that reminded me I was alive. Now, I have no idea what's going on. My skin is reacting in weird ways, pointedly by looking like I'm sunburned when I'm not. Everything is sensitive to it and it's weird in patches. I cry at random moments for no reason and cry because I feel helpless and because I have no one to go to that I can trust. I toss and turn in the middle of the night. I'm restless, I have no idea what's wrong with me and it scares me. School is going great but personally I'm a mess. My mom's harping from home, I've got financial woes, I can't stop eating, and I don't get why.
And then, there's something I'm scared to admit.
I've met someone here on campus. I can't say who, I can't say where. I can't say anything. But I'm starting to think that there could be more than friendship... and I can't let that happen. He's great but I can't. There are reasons why I can't and I'm aware of them. Everyone says my reasons are silly but I just know it wouldn't be right to let myself like him or even let him know how I'm starting to lean. He's a great person with a really understanding heart. He's there sometimes and gets me so well. But it has to stay platonic. I can't let it go further. For the first time in a long time... I have feelings for someone who's not David and while that's a good sign, I just can't be with him. I. Just. Can't.
Maybe its perfect timing too because David's not answering my calls and at the moment, no one's more relieved of that than me. Michael's right... I put David on too high of a pedestal sometimes. Still, maybe it's because I had no one else to put on it and now that I do, I can't let myself. *sigh*...