"Being Good Isn't Good Enough"

 

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

- Mother Teresa 

Another day, another opportunity. Finals are coming up and for the first time in 3 years, I'm thoroughly spooked by my finals this semester. I've been doing really well this Fall but my final grades are at the mercy of my exams. Either I need an A on my exam to keep an A in the class or I have a B that can be pushed up to an A with an excellent final exam score. All in all, I'm incredibly proud of myself academically. I wish I could say the same thing about everything else.
Mom's already settled into her new apartment and (THANKFULLY!) my little brother loves his new school and has made friends. JJ and I visit her semi often. She's still confused and frustrated but at least now I can handle being there to support her.
JJ got a new job, and training is in the mornings for the next couple of weeks. Now I have to wake up alone but if we want to be honest here, it's become hard to get out of bed again. I feel pathetic thinking that the only reason I used to wake up and have a productive morning was him. Now, a cup of coffee or finding my keys in somewhere that's not my refrigerator before I'm late to work is as productive as it gets. Maybe it's finals and studying that has me in a bunch but I'm trying to remain at least focused on a couple of things.
For starters, Finals have me in a rut. But most of what gets me in a rut is this feeling of loneliness that I've had for the last couple of weeks. I've been trying to to talk to people, but it all goes back to the same thing. I feel like I'm pandering. It's almost unreasonable. I find comfort in living a private life where I keep to myself and don't partake in appearances. But then I think of how much I miss the company of a human being. I think of Mark, of the countless others who I've looked to for friendship and have drifted apart. I don't think I can handle the promise of friendship anymore but how I long for it. This will be a desire I'll have to put on hold.
This Winter Break I will be working 3 jobs. Normally, I would question my own sanity at that as well, especially since I'm barely beginning to regain control of my stress habits. But I have a goal working so much: I'm looking to treat myself to a week-long vacation. No Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, e-mail, anything.  For my Spring Break (and impending 21st birthday) I am hoping to spend the entire week in Las Vegas. As of now, I'm planning this trip alone but I'm open to spending it with friends.
The reason I'm planning this trip alone is because (as I've blogged about it for the last three years) my birthdays tend to suck. The degree of how terrible they are vary on the year but for the most part, Valentine's Day is better to me than my birthday (and I HATE Valentine's Day, FYI) Most of it, has to do with the fact that it lands on Spring Break. Who wants to party with me when everyone wants to party somewhere else that is considerably less lame? All sarcasm aside, I deserve a birthday where I at least have elements of old glamour, excitement, scenery and beauty without college co-eds in varied states of drunkenness. In the prospect of an actual vacation, I've become focused on planning the ideal trip.
Becoming a workaholic once again to cope with things doesn't seem so difficult, now does it.?

"I Don't Want to Live on The Moon"

"I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it."

-Elizabeth Wurtzel

Today's the first chilly day of November, quite an accomplishment for Texas weather, in my opinion. While there isn't much of an update in terms of weather besides this, I feel like everytime I see myself in the mirror, I age at least a few years more and more. Don't know if it's exactly a good thing but it is worth noting.

JJ and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We actually reached the milestone I'd completely feared my entire life. One year always meant serious and permanent, and now knowing that JJ and I have been in a relationship for that long brings me to think that things may be different. Being in a relationship for a year, while seen at first as a suit starched crisp, reeking of assurance and authority now feels like a well fitting sweater I've worn everyday.We've grown so much over the last year; I'm starting to feel like our good times are coming back again. Though not perfect, he is exactly the man I'm glad to have in my life.

My parents are getting a divorce. I've been praying for this moment for over ten years of my life and relished in these moments for what seems like my entire childhood. What I didn't prepare for what what life would be like after the divorce was announced. What I got as a result of this as more than I bargained for. On one hand, I have my stepfather. Cocky and arrogant in his ways, he's certain my mom is going to come back to him, almost to the point of extreme denial. Then I have my mom, who called for the separation, who's overwhelmed, short-tempered, confused and exhausted. Times ten. My bother is stuck in the middle of all of this and in between all three people comes me. I'm trying to be supportive for my mom and sympathetic to my brother as his big sister but let's face it: my life hasn't always been a walk in the park but now, it's just downright confusing for my entire family. All I can really do is sit and wait, which really pisses me off immensely (just to put it nicely.)

Among the news of joy, I was transferred to a new department! I now get my own computer and my own desk in a shiny new part of campus with co-workers I actually really like! Work stress has gone down to zero and I'm pretty psyched about the change of scenery. With my new job has come a new circle of people and an actual sense of privacy that I actually enjoy.

Then comes the thing that excites me and makes me nervous at the same time. I'm no longer on medication for my anxiety. I've recently begun training for a beauty pageant for JJ's fraternity and I've discovered that I actually like working out, not to mention that the exercise I've been getting has made me feel loads better. Since I've changed my habits, I feel more productive and cautious, and again, a good sense of isolation from the world that allows me to come to my senses.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I still can't help but feel a little isolated. JJ and I live a comfortable life with our dog and he makes me happy but what I miss the most is the companionship of friendship. I don't really have a best friend at the moment, much less a confidante who I lean on. My friends have their own lives and have gone in their own directions. While I appreciate the people in my life, I still feel... empty. There's a void I'm not entirely sure exists.
I've been blogging since 2008. I've had boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, friends and family come and go in my life. I've been alive for 20 years, knowing that there are other circumstances in the world that thankfully God has not placed on me that are far more worse than I could ever understand. I just wish I had a friend who was genuinely going to stick around that doesn't rely on membership, class participation grades, or money to do it. *sigh*

"It's Time"

Sometimes, it seems like life wants to throw things at you that you can't exactly comprehend. Death. Marriage. A new baby. Love lost or love found. Money come and gone. Life has a nack for keeping you off balance when it seems like all you want is to stay grounded and centered. Maybe that's just me but all I've ever seemed to want is for my feet to stay firmly on the ground. This week, I've started to realize that's not always the best thing to wish for.This Fall semester has brought something new that I'm not used to, but something very much welcomed in my life: routine.
But then there comes a new level of uncertainty that I'm trying to deal with. Right now I'm coming to terms with the fact that the universe will only bend so much for me. I'd love to think I'm in control of my own life, but I'm not. Fate is in control of my life and I just have to accept that. I've hit highs and I've hit lows, more in the last three weeks than some people hit in their entire lives. And so this comes with the territory of what I'm dealing with. But I wonder sometimes. Does realizing that life is all up to fate and chance mean that you become more empowered or does that give you a right to feel weak?
I feel weak sometimes, an emotion further reenforced by the fact that right now, the only constant I have in my life is JJ (who I admit, is a constant I have yet allowed myself to trust in because I'm scared he's going to leave again or realize that I'm not worth sticking around for) If I've given in to knowing that there is no such thing as certainty, why do I feel so uncertain at that statement?

"Blow Me (One Last Kiss)"

My dearest readers, I feel as though my absence from this blog has given the wrong impression. I think it's personally time to come out of hiding and face the world once and for all. Because if there's one thing I've known my entire life, it's that you can't just tell Jen to take anything silent and lying down.
My name is Jen, no more no less. That hasn't changed. But the rest indeed has. Here is my story.
My name is Jen. I am a 20 year old college Junior who is now loving the university she came to two years ago kicking and screaming. I've learned an awful lot about life, love, what a family means and the worth of an education and what a home means to me in my time at this university. And oh yeah, I am currently living with Anxiety.
I was recently diagnosed in April this past year after what was the worst semester of my life that turned into one of the most emotionally difficult summers I've faced thus far. I think I've learned more about myself in these months than I have in 20 years of living and unfortunately, this means I did very little writing. I've gone from writing about a breakup, to writing about college to now writing about life battling my anxiety and the people who have come and gone in my life as a result.
So what am I thinking now?
Hm. Good Question.
About my family. How I've gotten so much closer to my mom and little brother since I got sick, and I miss them dearly every single day I'm not next to them. How I can't wait to be home with my boyfriend,JJ,  the one love of my life that's actually been good for me. I'm thinking about my dog, Roscoe, who apparently loves me to death but is jealous of JJ. Go figure.
I'm thinking about my friends, my real friends who I don't introduce as "my friend" but by their actual names. I think of the ones who can look at me and immediately know I'm sad or experiencing a panic attack or even hungry. At the same time, I think of the people who are quick to claim me when I'm accomplished, quick to call me when something is needed and swear up and down that we're extremely close but pretend that I'm infallible.... and how I volunteered myself for this.
I walk across campus a clear survivor of a heaping pile of shit. No one gave me a medal, the world isn't going to end and hell, nobody cares. I'm not a victim and there are an awful lot of people in the world who have faced bigger burdens and had less hope than me. I'm still carrying a heaping pile of shit, to be honest and some days it gets worse even though I know others have bigger shit piles than I do. But the truth is, I'm done letting others dictate my life and try to control my outcomes. I'm not here for rivalries or image. I'm not here to pretend that this is going away and I'm okay with the world.
People suck, that's something I've learned. "I can't control how I feel right now" is something else on that list. But my ability to do something for the betterment of who I am, find people who genuinely care about my best interests at heart and vice versa and retain my inner fighter is all I can possibly do at this moment.
And with that Ladies and gentlemen, I leave you. I'm Jen. No more, no less. This is my Life. Hopefully you stay with me as I try to figure out the rest and hopefully get it right this time.

"Come Home"

 "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson  

I apologize for the server being down! I felt so disconnected for a while but I had some issues with my domain name but now all is good. (Clearly, because you can see this message) And I alas, have some news to share. Both good and not so good but all mostly good.
Let me begin by stating the wonderful news that Juan will be coming to my college in the fall. He got accepted into the music program so he will be joining my journey in person and I definitely couldn't be more proud of him. Secondly, the buzz about weddings has begun. Here is the stinky news: Miley Cyrus is engaged. Before me. I know I shouldn't give a rat's ass. Partially because I know in the celebrity world, this is all just well played tactics but it hit me how actually trumped I am to not be engaged! Or correction. I'm trumped at myself because I have three voices in my head: The whiny little girl wondering whether he's ever going to commit to me, the feminist self that wants to puke at the idea that I'm actually talking about getting engaged.
Then comes the wonderful news, news that actually added and got better as this post sat in drafts and now having returned, it comes with better days and better news.
First off, the ever wonderful Brian (the person who keeps this blog alive and provides me with honest, loving sanity) is engaged! He and his fiancee Paul are the most adorable couple and I wish them nothing but bliss and happiness in their upcoming nuptials.(And yes Bri, I am one of your few girlfriends but I am absolutely ecstatic for you!)
As I'm sure you can tell, JJ and I have had some issues, and they've gotten pretty bad. Okay, bad is an understatement. Our relationship had hit a major crack. Distance has become one of the biggest burdens on our relationship as well as on me. Things had gotten blurry, I'd lost sight of not only myself but how much he loved me. I'd gone in with the intent of stopping my misery and breaking it off, for good. The thought sickened me more than I'd like to admit, but love was becoming a poison I couldn't settle in my stomach anymore. Then came the massive fight I was so worried about. Everything came out in the open but I discovered that he too, was feeling as lost and trapped as I was. And though it wasn't an easy fix, it was a step towards fixing things.
If I don't have enough proof that I have an amazing boyfriend, this should suffice. He came a couple of days later and surprised me by getting the entire weekend off... and further surprised me by taking me on an impromptu vacation to the beach for the whole weekend! For the first time, we took off on an actual vacation to the coastline. We went to the flea market, had an ice cream sundae in a little shop by the beach and actually sat by the shoreline.

Us behind the USS Lexington!

After a wonderful weekend full of catching up and bonding, we seemingly patched up may things. And we were closer than ever. We honestly needed a weekend to ourselves away from everything. By the time we drove home, we were singing along and talking about our goals, our future apartment and our dog, Roscoe (and yes, we got a dog. lol)

He put an IOU on it! :)

Then he proceeded to surprise me... with a promise ring.
This awesome bling hasn't left my finger since.
Then, the week after, we got even better news. After months of searching and my incessant panicking and nightmares of being homeless we finally found an apartment and put our deposit down. We get the keys next week and I couldn't be more thrilled! While it seems like things are finally locking in, I have quite a while to go. My anxiety isn't getting much better and well, I'm not getting much help from people I would appreciate helping either. But this is a start and pretty soon, he'll be coming home. Our home. ♥

"Faust, Midas, and Myself"

 "Love means to commit yourself without guarantee."

-Anne Campbell

Summer seems to be sinking in just as easily as the rubber of my shoes seem to melt into the 100 degree pavement. I've had alot on my mind lately and while some is positive revelation, alot of it is just loud white noise I can't seem to sort through. JJ is back in the US, something I've been looking forward to for months but if anything, I'd like to say that my relationship has gotten more difficult than it was when he was in a foreign country. This summer, we were supposed to catch up, pick up for lost time and all the frustrations of having him gone. He came and surprised me for a week, but came without telling his mom so in essence he ran away from home. That got him in a whole bunch of trouble and made me look like a bad influence. So he's been gone for two weeks since that visit, a total of 13 days since I last saw him and 107 came before that of pure distance and absence. I guess the hard part for me is hearing "Where is your boyfriend?" or "You and your boyfriend are welcome to join us; we'd love to meet him!" and having to explain time and time again that as much as we appreciate the thought, he can't make it because he is currently working in another city. I however, will be happily present at your bat mitzvah, graduation, wedding, etc.
I'm trying to be understanding, really I am. He promises me time and time again that things will be better once the fall starts and reminds me we're both working towards our apartment. I know I should be happy. I have a wonderful man, one who loves me with every fiber of his being who has promise. I love him dearly, really I do. I'm just so tired of this situation. I'm growing worn out of having to be the strong one to hold myself together and keep myself happy. It seems like I'm the only one who constantly seems to be struggling with the distance and being alone over and over again and I'm the one constantly having to make sacrifices. Is it so wrong that I want a relationship where everything works out, where our time physically together outweighs the distance we've been apart. I'm getting angry, and bitter. I can't help it anymore.
I'm becoming this person I don't like who is at the mercy of phone calls, text messages, and promises of things getting better. I can't help but notice that with every promise comes a condition, with every condition comes something new I have to swallow and accept because he butters me up with dreams and promises. When do promises become actions? When do sacrifices become rewards?
The week he was here to see me, it was like he never left and our bond became strong again. I had the world and couldn't ask for more. But when we're apart... the connection is broken and I find myself to be this old aged woman who's angry for being left alone to fend for myself. He doesn't get why I'm so angry and I can feel it creating this distance. He doesn't know what to do with me and I hate how I can't give him answers or bring up any of my pain because he only likes me when I'm happy.
I love him but this is becoming draining.
I look in the mirror and along with trying to salvage my relationship, people constantly entering and exiting my life, and my efforts becoming useless. I don't know if anything is worth me touching anymore. Anything and everything I seem to touch turns to crap. With every year, comes the summer after to wrap it up, seek closure and begin again before a new year upon me.
Last year was a year of positive turbulence and memories to boot. This summer seems to be about everything falling apart, people leaving and finding that I am my greatest enemy. Maybe the Myans predicted my downfall after all.

"Marching On"

 "The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things."

-Henry Ward Beecher

Ladies and gents,
My summer has officially begun! I have once again come full circle to my nights of inspiration that keep me going and may I say this summer is one that is very well deserved. For those of you who have stuck with me through the years, you will know this blog has serves as a no inhibitions place to avoid being judged. I am going to share what's been going on in my life.
My last few blog posts have gotten more confusing and more depressing, and I apologize for that. The truth is that I've been on a spiral of depression, anxiety, and loneliness for quite some time and it was out of my control. When JJ left for London this year, I thought I was strong enough to take it and I thought I had a solid moral support system to help me through him leaving but it didn't take very long to see how wrong I was.
Over the course of five months, I began to crack. I've lost weight from lack of eating, sat in class unable to concentrate, much less study because of how many things were running through my mind. And I never exactly had anyone to turn to. Multiple panic attacks isolated me from really talking to anyone. I distanced myself from Manny and Juan, started going out more often so the music could drown out my thoughts and I discovered how a group of people I thought were going to be by my side until the very end didn't really care whatsoever. The two closest people I thought I knew (not Manny and Juan, btw) and thought respected me were actually the first to throw the harpoon and screw me over. I didn't tell JJ alot of things because I didn't want to worry him but somehow we always ended up fighting. More often than not, it was me questioning his love (and why he left me to suffer alone if he claimed to love me) while he fought that he'd done every damn thing and it still wasn't good enough. I know I've pushed him away but it got to the point where high demands, total isolation and anxiety that I was a walking time bomb.
I literally cracked on April 25th, into the hours of the early morning. After getting sold out, and finding out that someone I trusted had talked about me behind my back and taken it upon themselves to pretend like they knew about my personal life, I snapped. I didn't sleep, spent my time crying in anger and betrayal. JJ had to put me to sleep sometime around 5 AM. I went to work the next morning and somewhere in between working, I had a nervous breakdown while I was working. I began to shut down and I just remember crying and not knowing why. Thankfully the doctor I work for was still in the office. It is on this day that I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and referred to counseling.
Since my diagnosis and that day, I've stayed away from alot of people. I still refuse to talk to the bullies who claimed to be my friends, who have taken it upon themselves to judge me and claim that they were always there to listen when they did nothing but watch me crumble. I'm trying to take it easy and thankfully my mom has been incredibly supportive. She's become my ally and our communication has gotten much better. I'm trying to live one day at a time and for me. I do have people who genuinely care, not people who pretend. I got the most incredible Little this semester who just joined the sorority and she was the breath of fresh air I was seeking in my life. She's managed to stick with her crazy, unstable and exhausted Big and I'm so glad she came into my life as the sister I needed.
Now, summer is upon me. As decided by my parents and I, I will not be taking summer classes. I will keep my campus job and a second job working for housing so I have free Room and Board this summer! Then, in July, JJ and I will be officially living together. No more coming to my apartment 30 minutes before work to change and run out the door! I'm really going to work on piecing things together and like the doctor said, finding my triggers to panic attacks. JJ will be coming home in two weeks. No one is counting down the days like me (well except him but you get my point. lol)
I've been avoiding social events lately because I've learned certain people in my life are triggers as well but I'm finding the people who matter and who don't.
I'm not saying that everything is just fine and dandy. I'm still having nightmares and panic attacks. People still won't back off and I'm still trying to control alot of things. But it's a start. I have this summer to put it all back together.

If you Were Here

"A sure way to lose happiness, I found, is to want it at the expense of everything else."

-Bette Davis

Alas, I am now two decades old! (and yes, I realize how I am writing this little over a month after hitting this milestone) I guess you could say it was a good one but to be honest, it didn't feel like much. If anything it was just an ordinary day (except I got to wear a tiara)
 I celebrated my 20th birthday among my closest friends, wore a dress and a tiara (and got chocolate cake in it too) and made it home at the wee hours of 4 AM. But now alas, March has come and gone.
I am two decades old. But that's not the only thing I got to celebrate this past month

I celebrated the one year anniversary of  my tattoo, the three year anniversary of no longer being with David and my three year anniversary of The Dumpee Diaries.
But among the most important things I rejoiced in March, it's hitting the 5 month marker of my relationship with JJ. March means one less month apart, one more month together and many things. Maybe this time, I'm going to get things right this time.
At this point in my relationship and the journey of having a long distance relationship, things are bittersweet right now. Some days are great. We get closer because every text message and phone call is a reaffirmation that I love him and he loves me. Other days, when life gets a little messy and people take their relationships for granted, I just want to cave in. I'm certain one day, skeptical the next and always unsure if he will change his mind about me.

As uncertain as I am sometimes and as hard as the nights get, I can't say I don't have the relationship people spend their lives dreaming about.
Before JJ came into my life, I was let down by the little things. No one ever worked hard on a cute proposal to ask me to Prom. Hell, no one asked me to Prom period! I never got anything from a straight guy for Valentine's Day (Brian, I love everything you ever got me. I just wished you were STRAIGHT) I walked myself home, never getting courted. I missed the sticky sweet nostalgia of a teenage relationship: no breaking curfew, no celebrating with someone their passing their driver's test, no photobooth pictures from the mall... I missed all that. And I know people who missed that too but others who didn't see it as important. I just felt sometimes like everyone else got to at least have a well rounded experience.
If there's one thing I regret about my past it's this: I wish I had stood my ground harder and been more proud of myself. If I had spent less time biting my tongue in silent rebellion and more time affirming silently that I'm fine, just the way I am, maybe things would have been easier.
Not much has changed about me but seeing things through different eyes (and accepting more about myself has given me the relationship of a lifetime).
I may have not gone to my Senior Prom, but I have a boyfriend who knew that and gave me a second chance by recreating those moments for me, tuxedo and all. I never got to walk around wearing my high school sweetheart's varsity Letterman jacket; my boyfriend knew he had a girl who was proud to earn her own accolades. I have a boyfriend who's not afraid to be dorky, who loves to eat Applebee's buffalo wings, who thinks it's adorable that my back pops when I'm asleep and has managed to woo me off my feet from across the globe. I'm blessed. Believe me, no one realizes how blessed I am than me.
I suppose this is why I worry so much. What do you do when for 18 years, you're made to believe you're not worthy of anything and end up getting what you're told you are not worth? I am having the time of my life in college, and by simply being me. No one can take away the solace I've found being on my own but at the same time, having gotten this kind of comfort has made me scared about losing everything. I'm scared of losing everything I so desperately prayed for.
If fear isn't enough, my patience is wearing thin. As bad as this sounds, JJ leaving to London for the semester has become the biggest tests of love and friendship I have ever faced in my life thus far. I'm at the point where I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts too much, where days can pass by and literally no one in the continental US will call me the entire day. I'm tired of feeling so empty and hearing the words "He's coming home soon." Words don't begin to fill the void of being abandoned for months.  I can feel myself growing impatient and difficult because he's gone and the very people I'm supposed to lean on haven't the slightest clue.
This might be the relationship where I've given it everything I have, literally to the point where all I do is cry when I wake up, cry at work, cry after class and most definitely cry myself to sleep. This may be the point where I finally cave, drop everything and permanently run. I've gotten to the point where I see people and faces but none are exactly the one I need; everything has become a facade. I'm sick of everyone and everything around me.
I'd like to think that if he were here, I wouldn't be going insane. If he were here, I wouldn't feel so empty. I'm giving so much power to just one person and the idea of drowning in my own isolation.
There are times where I spend hours thinking... if I'm really cut out for this.
I'm not myself whatsoever. I forget things, or wake up and don't want to get out of bed because I just don't want to deal with the world. And today my apartment almost caught fire because I forgot to turn off the stove when  I went to go study. This isn't the first time, either.
I'd like to think that it'll all just magically go away when he gets her and that my sanity (along with cooking) will get better. But I don't know that for sure. And he swears he loves me, professing undying devotion and claiming that there is no other possible way for him to further express how much he loves me beyond everything that he's done.
The least I can do for him is smile, and keep positive. I can't stay in this haze forever, nor can I dwell on being lonely because the only one suffering is me. I may have never gotten the Prom proposal or  the Letterman jacket or any of that. But I get to hang my sorority Line jacket in the closet next to his. And we get to debate Hello Kitty kitchen appliances in our apartment (which I am TOTALLY going to have btw) and I guess I get to make my mistakes and my decisions.

"I'm About to Come Alive"

Beware the Ides of March...
March is finally upon us but I guess it's caught me off-guard that yesterday was December and today's March. I'm halfway there! March marks many milestones for me and at the same time, the idea that time has passed so quickly is incredibly surreal.
This month means that May is closer... and my boyfriend is finally coming home. It means Spring Break and the first time I may go on vacation with friends (as much as I travel, you'd think I would've taken a vacation with other people already but no such luck) March also marks three years blogging since "The Dumpee Diaries" and three years since my last breakup. All this with the fact that I will no longer be considered a teen. I am now celebrating the last time a decade will be welcomed and embraced: This year, I turn 20.
With my 20th itching closer, I've been thinking an awful lot about the last three years recently. I've thought about me and who I am.I started blogging when I was only seventeen. At seventeen,I thought a high school relationship where a guy finally treated me right was all I'd amount to.

 

This is me, shortly before we broke up: March 12,2009

 As much as I miss how thin I was (Hey! I was a size 5, kicking myself for being a 7) I think of that night and now I only talk to maybe two or three people who celebrated my birthday with me. How that night I got excited because David wrote two sentences in my birthday card and no guy had ever even so much as written me a post-it telling me how he felt. Yes, folks. I thought that my worth as a girlfriend was equivalent of two sentences, which now that I think about it, where basically him saying "Hey- sorry I've been a total ass to you. I'm going through Man PMS but I love you. Happy birthday!" I seriously thought that this is as good as it was going to get. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy and that would be it. He left me a week later.
Turning eighteen meant kicking and screaming to get out of the Middle of Nowhere. That birthday marked the start of me finding myself.

Legal! (I registered to vote that day): March 12,2010

My 19th birthday. You'd think I would have taken a picture with my cake: March 12, 2011

Now, with 19 under my belt, I'm trying to think of my life and where it is now. I've finally let someone good in my life who thinks I'm worth more than two sentences in a Hallmark card apologizing for Man PMS. If 17 was me thinking I knew my worth and 18 was me realizing that the world is bigger than my surroundings, then being 19 was the year of discovering that I'm worth more that I can give myself credit for. Every girl is worth more than they believe they are (unless you're absolutely narcissistic and believe you're the World's blessing for Mankind, then maybe not so much. lol) I'm with a man who is thousands of miles away and six hours ahead of me... who waits up until 3 AM his time until I'm out of class to see me on skype for 20 minutes, sends me a good morning text for when I wake up every single day, buys me things like a pink berret from Paris (when he should really save his money for food- and I only asked for a jar of European Nutella) and gives me three days worth of Valentine's Day, yet still thinks everything he does isn't enough to show how much he loves me. I finally get a chance to find out what it's like to be happy and if this is how I get to welcome my 20's, then I can only anxiously await what's next. For all I know, my current boyfriend could plan to leave me a week after my birthday, maybe two. But even if he does, at least now I know that I can make it on my own. I am me, scuffed, seasoned and a survivor of living. I'm not infallible but at least I have self worth now.

"Home"

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

-Robert Frost

Whether I'd like to admit it or not, it's time to come clean about a few things, some I've always been too scared to admit even to myself in the middle of the night because it's always seemed silly.
Growing up, I read Harry Potter religiously. It was the escape I needed with everything else going on.: Bullying, family issues, the sense of feeling alone and unwanted... it all went away with me reading those books. My favorite has always been "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." I've loved the idea that Harry managed to discover this wonderful life after suffering for so long. But mostly, it was the idea that he finally found a place where he belonged.
All my dreams have lead to one thing: Wanting a place to call home. To have a place where I felt like I belonged, and where no one could hurt me. I've never really had a place where I could comfortably sleep, and have security. My first year of college where I got my own dorm room, washed my own dishes and cooked my own food without worrying about anyone. I can't even count the times I dreamt of my dorm room and the ability to decorate it to my liking when I was in high school. Why home? Simple, I never felt at home, even with my parents. I felt so unloved, so unsafe having to deal with other people's issues. Nothing I ever did was good enough and I couldn't be myself, even with my parents. And I couldn't be myself at school either because no one liked me. I felt like I had to lie. So thus, dreams of having my own comfort zone and safety net had been this desire.
I miss last year, and my dorm room. The apartment I live in now, while I have one of the best roommates the world could ask for, I also have the roommate from hell: a former thorn in my side from high school who lives on an ego trip and thinks she owns the place. So I sleep there, and eat, and stay glued to my laptop. But I don't really socialize in it.
I've been looking to get a place on my own for quite some time but now, JJ and I have talked about moving in together. We were originally going to move in with Manny in Manny's new house but now, his girlfriend is throwing a fit, so I'm out on the streets and under the bus again. I know that it's just another setback but I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll be dreaming about having a place to call home. Or if I'll ever get it.

The War Inside

If there's anything I could possibly dislike about my relationship, it's the fact that we get ourselves into ridiculous arguments, and I take them worse than anyone else. Why? Because when we fight, I'm the foolish one, the easily aggravated one and if anything, the person who becomes the most frustrated about it.
I am my mother's daughter and unfortunately, I've learned everything I know about love from her. I say unfortunately because to me, love means slammed doors, a contest over who's ego is bigger than who's, and the usual of pushing people away. When my mom gets upset, she yells and complains, blames everyone, makes others suffer and when we all want to know what's wrong, she refuses to talk to anyone. That is me right there. I get mad over tiny things, I blame him (and it's not his fault), I shut myself out and make accusations of him leaving me for good, and don't talk to anyone.
Our latest fight? My fault. He's coming home and spending time with his family so my four months will more than likely turn into 7 months with him away. I've told him that's fine and since I'll only be seeing him 3 days out of the week (if ever) I've jokingly referred to myself as "the booty call" or the "on-call girlfriend".
Do I want him to come home and stay? Yes. Am I mad that my time without him has been extended? Definitely. But it's his family and I'd be an idiot not to understand that. I'm not happy but I have to suck it up and be a big kid. But he hates how I call myself the booty call (even if I feel that way).  I just hate how I feel as though I'm basically going back to being single (and spending a good amount of a year) alone, having to deal with phone calls, and a few texts, and missing him while he's out having an adventure. I want my life back. I can barely stand not seeing him right now. I especially did not sign up for a long distance relationship.
I care about him greatly but I'm wearing thin. So if I want to crack a joke about being on call because he gets to call me his girlfriend without even so much as seeing me, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to keep myself somewhat sane. I'm sarcastic, and Cynical. It's been established.
Right now I'm just writing to blow of steam but GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"I Hope This Gets To You"

"Zelda Sayre to F. Scott Fitzgerald
(1919)
Sweetheart,
Please, please don't be so depressed--We'll be married soon, and then these lonesome nights will be over forever--and until we are, I am loving, loving every tiny minute of the day and night--
Maybe you won't understand this, but sometimes when I miss you most, it's hardest to write--and you always know
when I make myself--Just the ache of it all--and I can't tell you.
If we were together, you'd feel how strong it is--you're so sweet when you're melancholy. I love your sad tenderness--when I've hurt you--That's one of the reasons I could never be sorry for our quarrels--and they bothered you so-- Those dear, dear little fusses, when I always tried so hard to make you kiss and forget--
Scott--there's nothing in all the world I want but you--and your precious love--All the materials things are nothing.
I'd just hate to live a sordid, colorless existence-because you'd soon love me less--and less--and I'd do anything--anything--to keep your heart for my own--I don't want to live--I want to love first, and live incidentally...
Don't--don't ever think of the things you can't give me--You've trusted me with the dearest heart of all--and it's so damn much more than anybody else in all the world has ever had--
How can you think deliberately of life without me--If you should die--O Darling--darling Scott--It'd be like going blind...I'd have no purpose in life--just a pretty--decoration.
Don't you think I was made for you? I feel like you had me ordered--and I was delivered to you--to be worn--I want you to wear me, like a watch--charm or a button hole bouquet--to the world.
And then, when we're alone, I want to help--to know that you can't do anything without me...
All my heart--
I love you"
 
I've been trying to write to you since you left, but the truth is that words have failed me. Zelda managed to write to Francis and explain exactly what I wish I could say to you. I miss you, but I hope this gets to you. Happy Valentine's Day, amor.
I wish you were here.
xoxo, your Dove

"Princess In China"

" There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder."- Charles Morgan

Valentine's Day is two days away. I feel like time is purposely passing as slow as my brother's attempts to wake up in the morning, because normally, February 14th creeps up on my and takes me by surprise. Now that I'm ready for it and willing to grab it by its commercialized horns, it's taking it's sweet old time to get here.
I suppose the anxiety is at an elevated level right now, particularly because JJ left for Paris for the weekend (yes, Paris, France) and well... I'm still here at home. On the positive, today is my halfway marker: 3 more months until he comes home.
Lately, I've started thinking a whole lot about love, and my relationship and just me in general. I mean, a year ago I tattooed "Let Your Love be Strong" with the meaning of always remaining persistent of my goals because back then love and ambition meant the same thing. Now, ambition doesn't exactly mean everything and even in a society where love means caution, and no one lasts and everything takes away from the true meaning of love... I still believe that my relationship is one of a kind.
It's been taking me some serious reality checks (and extensive phone calls, dinners, and karaoke sessions- Thanks Manny) for me to see the fact that I quite possibly have sabotaged and ran from every single good thing to come into my life. I'll admit, maybe I've let the mistakes of everyone's past influence me and scare me into thinking that I'm not worthy of being loved.
I'm starting to think that just maybe Love may also be my greatest strength and greatest weakness. If it is, that could possibly explain why my bestie and I get along so well.
I say this because being with JJ and seeing that love isn't a death sentence has given me many things ambition never could. I'm in love (dare I say it at the risk of being called an impulsive, foolish teenager) and I now feel a sense of being complete. I have courage and support.I feel  more sure about tomorrow and less scared that it won't work out. Yet at the same time, loving him has  made me face all my insecurities, and take my past head on. Because of love, I've become reckless, a little sensitive, and scared of the possibility of losing him.
Love is all about risks and challenges. It's an ongoing battle and given that my relationship is going to be more long distance than us actually being together, I've had to learn more. Being single meant not have to deal with anything and being flawed all I wanted because no one was there to call me out on it. Now I have to face everything and growing up was not such a bad thing.There is love in healing and healing in finding love.
I couldn't have asked for a better man to come into my life. He's selfless, caring, nurturing, romantic, funny, intelligent and a true blessing in my life. I'm moody, I lose control, I'm reckless, immature more often than not, difficult to handle, messy, and a burden to society. Yet he loves me, and he's right: I deserve to be loved, no matter what anyone says.
Part of love is trusting and letting go. If putting my guard aside means happiness, then it's time I let myself love and be loved.

"Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not?"

"I run like the ocean to find your shore... looking for you."- Restless, Switchfoot

I just got off Skype with JJ, one of our many skype sessions since he left and may I say that it's only dawned on us that Valentine's Day is approaching.
Personally, we all know I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. I suppose it's partially to blame at the fact that where I'm from, the older you get,the bigger and more extravagant presents get.
My parents are hard working people and by no means am I ever going to forget they love me but you know the holiday is becoming overrated when you go to class and sit next to 12 year olds who get hot air balloon replicas and their weight in roses from mommy and daddy and your parents (who love you dearly) send you a normal teddy bear and maybe candy and people call you broke (when you think  they're attention seeking for getting bears they'll donate and flowers they'll throw out eventually.
This is not the purpose of my rant. My point being that after years when my parents stopped sending things and people became more extravagant with gifts, I developed a bitter taste for Valentine's Day.
I'm probably like most girls: I've spent more Valentine's Days single than with someone and even so I feel like there's this huge sense of expectation.
I've always felt bad for my guy friends (having to spend and work extra to make money for their girlfriends) because I know girls (myself included) have had the standard of roses/teddy bear/chocolates drilled as a standard and well expected gift. Over the years, I've had some good laughs, good cries, and hilarious memories. As much as I've dreaded the holiday, I've always survived it.
This is my second Valentine's Day in my entire life where I've been in a relationship and I think that this is the most surreal. How can you celebrate with someone who's in a foreign country? And I suppose I should feel blessed because as much as I dread the holiday, he's still trying to make every conscious effort to make sure I celebrate and I'm happy. And his stuff is still here...waiting to be shipped to London.
I suppose now that I've been stripped of the cliches, and a physically ever present boyfriend things like big flashy gifts don't matter. (and Jay, if you're reading this, I  SINCERELY hope that you DIDN'T get me anything huge like that!!) I just want him home, I don't care about souvenirs or holidays... I just want him on my doorstep. A smile will suffice.

And for the record, I don't even LIKE roses! I like Easter lilies because they look and smell pretty :)

Whatever the case may be, I'm actually curious to see what Valentine's Day brings this year. :)

"These Times"

As absolutely terrible as this sounds, trying to find my life again while JJ is in Europe is one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with. I used to be invincible! I was a powerhouse and Jen used to be a force to be reckoned with. Now I'm an absolute sap, and it never ceases to amaze me how fragile I've become.
This semester was supposed to be the semester where I got stuff done and I sincerely mean it. But now my problem is that I'm getting everything done too quickly.
My best friend has gone MIA and it's a given: From the few seldom conversations we've had recently, I know he wakes up earlier than me, stays up just as late studying and gets a beating at the academy. The last thing he wants to hear about at 7 PM (after a day of hell) is me, my boredom and the absolute nonsense I'm capable of spewing because I have absolutely nothing worthy of noting. I know where he comes from with exhaustion but at the same time I can't help but wonder if maybe it's just me getting frustrated. Or bored.

"Throw Me A Rope"

"Limelight"

Dear Bestie, (Manny)
For as close as we are and as many things that we've gone through, it's funny to think we didn't expect to see each other ever again after we first met. I fell off your truck (the first of many times) and yet even though I was a total stranger to you, you made sure I made it home safely. I guess the next few months after and the fact that maybe I was a pestering mosquito didn't exactly make me easy to get rid of.
I've been thinking long and hard about what to write in this letter, and exactly  what I could possibly say to you that we haven't already said out in the open before many times and the truth is... it fails me.
You're the first friend I've ever had who I've never had to explain myself to. You caught me at s random hiccup of my life, and somehow now, you are possibly one of the people I'm closest to, second to my boyfriend, the love of my life who you helped me see with different eyes.
I owe you so much and yet I feel like no matter what, nothing I do will ever be enough.Your friendship is the kind I'm afraid of losing for life and never getting back.
I guess all I can say now it, I look forward to more awesome memories (hopefully having you come with me for my tattoo, like I went with you to yours) and having you in my future possibly giving a toast at my wedding, bringing your kids over to my house so they can hang out with mine and sharing a Dos Equis after a long day at work.
All I can hope is that maybe we can get that band started and get our dreams going like we've always wanted. :)
Thanks for everything Bestie. I mean it.
Always,
Doll