"Princess In China"

" There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved: It is God's finger on man's shoulder."- Charles Morgan

Valentine's Day is two days away. I feel like time is purposely passing as slow as my brother's attempts to wake up in the morning, because normally, February 14th creeps up on my and takes me by surprise. Now that I'm ready for it and willing to grab it by its commercialized horns, it's taking it's sweet old time to get here.
I suppose the anxiety is at an elevated level right now, particularly because JJ left for Paris for the weekend (yes, Paris, France) and well... I'm still here at home. On the positive, today is my halfway marker: 3 more months until he comes home.
Lately, I've started thinking a whole lot about love, and my relationship and just me in general. I mean, a year ago I tattooed "Let Your Love be Strong" with the meaning of always remaining persistent of my goals because back then love and ambition meant the same thing. Now, ambition doesn't exactly mean everything and even in a society where love means caution, and no one lasts and everything takes away from the true meaning of love... I still believe that my relationship is one of a kind.
It's been taking me some serious reality checks (and extensive phone calls, dinners, and karaoke sessions- Thanks Manny) for me to see the fact that I quite possibly have sabotaged and ran from every single good thing to come into my life. I'll admit, maybe I've let the mistakes of everyone's past influence me and scare me into thinking that I'm not worthy of being loved.
I'm starting to think that just maybe Love may also be my greatest strength and greatest weakness. If it is, that could possibly explain why my bestie and I get along so well.
I say this because being with JJ and seeing that love isn't a death sentence has given me many things ambition never could. I'm in love (dare I say it at the risk of being called an impulsive, foolish teenager) and I now feel a sense of being complete. I have courage and support.I feel  more sure about tomorrow and less scared that it won't work out. Yet at the same time, loving him has  made me face all my insecurities, and take my past head on. Because of love, I've become reckless, a little sensitive, and scared of the possibility of losing him.
Love is all about risks and challenges. It's an ongoing battle and given that my relationship is going to be more long distance than us actually being together, I've had to learn more. Being single meant not have to deal with anything and being flawed all I wanted because no one was there to call me out on it. Now I have to face everything and growing up was not such a bad thing.There is love in healing and healing in finding love.
I couldn't have asked for a better man to come into my life. He's selfless, caring, nurturing, romantic, funny, intelligent and a true blessing in my life. I'm moody, I lose control, I'm reckless, immature more often than not, difficult to handle, messy, and a burden to society. Yet he loves me, and he's right: I deserve to be loved, no matter what anyone says.
Part of love is trusting and letting go. If putting my guard aside means happiness, then it's time I let myself love and be loved.