"Ten Years Older"

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself."

-Andre Gide

I'll admit that last night wasn't my brightest of moments.
Rather, it was one of my darkest. As of recent, I've been having alot of issues with the idea that after so many years, I just might be getting tired and worn out from being strong and holding myself up.
To those who don't know me, allow me to explain.
When my parents got divorced all those years ago, I tried to make my mother proud. I did what I could to be the best so she could see that her sacrifices weren't going to waste. She worked all the time and while I used to think it meant she didn't love me, I don't hold it against her. But it meant that I was alone most of the time. Sure, I was taken care of, but I didn't meet kids until I got to preschool. From early on, the little adult mindset was already in place.
As I got older, kids started be coming cruel. I coped by reading. I owe so much of my childhood to Harry  Potter because it saved me. But I still had to listen to all the things kids had to say. So I did.
When my mom remarried and moved me away from home "for the better", I got used to taking care of myself. No one at school talked to me or really liked me for that matter. My mom wasn't listening and home became a strange place where I didn't belong. Between a new brother and a marriage that was rocky, my bullying issues weren't the concern. I had to grow up on my own because honestly, no one was listening.
After every broken heart, every personal disappointment, every mean word and cruel prank, and every setback, I've had to dust myself off and remind myself to hold on because the truth of the matter is, from the age of 6 to now, I've had to learn to be emotionally independent.

It's ironic because I've been the support system for countless people, given so many tokens of wisdom and advice and cheered others on. I've inspired so many of my friends to keep moving forward and not care what anyone thinks. I've given so much efforts to relationships and friendships in hopes that just maybe... finally, this will be the one time someone gives as much as I do.



And it never is because I always end up being not enough for someone or being the wrong person. I don't regret being a good friend at all. As a matter of fact, if there's anything I've learned is that it takes a coward to be two-faced but someone loyal and honest is hard to find. I will never regret being a good friend or a good girlfriend because I know that I did all I could.
I'm just getting worn out by quiet nights where I really realize how much I'm alone and broken and smacked with the realization that for once, I'd like to be held and told it's okay to be flawed. I want to be told that I can stop being so strong and just rest for once. I wish I could be the one that's taken care of, have my tears reserved for joy instead of heartbreak.
I envy those people who get sticky notes on their doors that say "Just stopped by to say hi(:"
I feel a little hollow when I go ice skating and I see couples holding hands and hanging on to each other in front of me as I try to keep myself going.
Secretly, I hope someone texts me during the day to see how I'm doing instead of the other way around.
When does it stop, and when do I get to rest?
If everyone finds their Happily Ever After and peace of mind, why haven't I found mine?