September

One lesson that always stings to learn.
"Life doesn't always go as planned."
So Missouri backed out on me and so I've been forced to go to another school, if only for a little while. My parents have been swearing up and down that they're sorry about what happened and they promise they'll get me to Missouri eventually. I know I probably sound spoiled by thinking that they'll never do it. I've been running it through my mind how they're just thrilled, along with everyone else that I'm staying closer to home. They got what they wanted. I lost.
With me being close to home and (ironically enough) in the same city as the infamous ex who changed my life, I'm terrified of never finding my own place in the world or my own freedom in anything. My parents are full of such hypocrisy and such resentment, I find it hard to believe that they'd support me, much less, allow me to chase after dreams when they made it very clear that they weren't going to help me out if I moved.
I've been contemplating doing something stupid that I know is pretty drastic but probably makes more sense than anything to me. I've been thinking about packing my bags, buying a bus or plane ticket to anywhere and never coming back. I want to take out all my savings, change my name, forget everything and life a clear life without anyone in my past. I've been think alot about this since the split, mostly because there are so many things I got stuck with when he left, my emotions included. I've been trying to put myself back together for a year and even so, I'm tired of being held to this pedestal of perfection and greatness. My parents yell at me because I didn't grades to their standard in high school ("because I can clearly do so much better if I wasn't so distracted") or because I'm in my room all day or because I get freaked out at the doctor's. Maybe at some point I was about meeting these high standards but it's not what I am anymore. I'm moody, I'm downright messy. I'm not perfect. I lose interest. I get stubborn and no one gets that I'm not the same person anymore I was after the split. I can't be no matter how hard I try. I mean, there are nights were I stay up late just thinking about who I was and why things happen and how just having one person by your side in your life made things seem easier. Just having him there made me feel invincible.
Now I feel like life is getting harder trying to juggle the earth and moon on my shoulders with everyone trying to tell me it would just get easier if I took their advice. While I try to tell myself (time and time and time again) that he is only one person and I am much better off without him, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that whispers, "if it were... why isn't it right now?" That one person changed my life forever, more than I'm willing to admit. Now I'm trying to make sense of my life. So many people making decisions for me, bounding me by their own personal rules of yes, no , and you're grounded. What happened to the rest of my life and being trusted to make my own decisions? Do I have to pack up and not tell anyone where I'm going to get that part of me?
Just between us though, I might just set aside a suitcase. Just in case that's what it takes.
And odds are that out of all the people to bitch and chase after me in my quest to find freedom, the people who trap and suffocate me the most will be the ones trying to bring me back... and the one who taught me how to breathe will stay with his feet firmly on the ground, apathetic towards it all.